Category Archives: Daily Life

Daily Life, Relationships

Ignoring the Voice Inside

Every single time I ignore the voice inside I regret it.  How many times have I felt “something is wrong, this is off, this doesn’t feel right” but I push forward anyway ignoring the voice.  

So I have spent the last year trying to make a relationship into something that it is not.  And I knew it the whole time. Why??? What a waste of time and energy.  What a waste of my mind and my thoughts. What a waste of my emotions.  All of things could have been going to a place where they were wanted and celebrated. But no, I had to be right.  I had decided this was going to play out a certain way and hell or high water I could not let go.  Even though I knew it was a lost cause. My inner voice has been screaming at me, let it go, and I would not. 

I think there were a few reasons for this.  This was long distance so at first it was safe, I thought I would never meet him and surely nothing could be  so important between us that he or I would change our lives for it. I had been out of the relationship groove for about 2 years and this felt like a good way to jump back in. You know, I could still be single but dip my feet in the water so to speak. So he was the first to wake me up in awhile.  With all that has happened in my life the prior 2 years I was kind of locked up inside, and he had keys. And it felt good to be wanted and courted.  And my heart started beating again, and I got a little bit lost in him. And then everything changed. 

Reason 2, I asked the Universe to send me love.  I said to the Universe your choice.  Send me what I need.  Send me my good.  I tried to be open to something different.  To break the pattern of my prior choices and be open to whatever the Universe decided was right for me.  Color did not matter (well it never did), age, location, body type,  religion, social beliefs, I was trying to be open for anything.  I was trying to not place conditions on who I would love.  So the Universe sends this totally different guy from a culture I am not familiar with, lives far away, different religious beliefs,  different social beliefs, a  body type I would not normally go for , different health habits and I said ok, I will try. And try I did. And it was exhausting. 

Because over and over the past 6 months I have thought, this is not right.This does not feel right.  You should not have to try so hard, it should be more natural, come easier. I knew this in my heart and in my head and I kept trying.  I kept trying beyond what was emotionally healthy for me.  I was becoming less, not more.  His circumstances, his life, his conditions, desires, thoughts, they all took center stage.  And here I am the supporting cast.  I cannot live this way. I need balance, I need my life to be just as important as my partners. Not more, but certainly not less. I find that I give that up men way to easy (early training),  So I push the envelope with him. Not let him avoid me, ignore me, conveniently forget me.  All those things that are so easy to do long distance.

.And I become someone I do not want to be. I do not want to beg for attention. Oh my gosh there are plenty of people who actually love me and want to spend time with me. I do not need crumbs. Why would I not listen to that voice months ago that said get out, there is nothing for you here. I don’t know.  I still had lessons to learn but even that is not the real issue. I think this goes back to always putting others first even to my detriment. And that is something I need to explore more, on a different day.

Because today, I am free of him. I said the things that were important to me like “don’t tell me you are too busy, if someone is important to you, you make time for them.” LIke, ” part of me knows it is not about your circumstances, those are excuses.”  :Like” most of our relationship has been about you, and very little about me, do you even know my son’s name?” All of this was through texting as he cannot seem to have a conversation even over the phone. So then  I said let’s be done. Don’t call, don’t text, no Facebook, no Instagram, And I don’t want to be friends. I cannot go backwards with people.  Yes, he wants to say we are friends, but his idea of friends is too strange for me. Its all on his terms and all about him.  My friends talk to me, they care about me personally, not just me as I relate to them. I am trying not to think he is a selfish ass, but maybe he is.

So I am not sure of the lesson in all this.  I think and hope we are truly done.  We have been back and forth a couple of times already but it feels like more this time. I am exhausted from this, I am drained and I have nothing more to give. The only way it could recover is if he decided to step up and pour some love and energy my way and I do not see that happening. And even though part of me wants that, I know it would just be a temporary fix to something that has no solid ground under it.  

So let it go……….  Find the lesson, move forward, ask the Universe once again, send me love, but let me listen to the voice inside sooner rather than later.

Love, light, light, peace, power, beauty, joy

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Daily Life, Relationships

The Courage of Being Vulnerable

vulnerbility

Being vulnerable, not something I have really aspired to. It takes an extreme circumstance for me to show that I am vulnerable. I am pretty sure that goes way back to childhood. As I think back vulnerability was not encouraged. I learned to hide my feelings, I learned that you have to be strong. How many times did my mom say “tears mean nothing to me”, countless. Until tears became a weakness, a lessening of myself. There were a lot of masks in my house growing up. And certainly you never show your weakness, your vulnerability, your real feelings. Because someone could use them against you. These were lessons I learned as a girl. And I have carried those lessons right into my adulthood.

I know my mom had reasons that went back to her childhood for feeling this way. Good reasons that helped her survive a violent and scary family dynamic. Mom was only teaching us what she learned and how she survived. She did not ever want her daughters to be vulnerable to abuse or being used by the world. She taught us the only way she knew how. I understand that now.

But I am grown now and I can make changes in how I relate to the world. I can change how I see things. I can be different. I have come to see that being vulnerable takes enormous courage. I have to put myself out there. I have to say the truth about myself, how I feel, how I don’t feel, what I want, what is unacceptable. And then I have to wait for the response. Many times I do not receive back what I have put out. I get rejected, maybe laughed at, maybe felt sorry for.

If I say I love, but you don’t love me back, then what? If I tell you I am scared but you only portray yourself as strong do I feel less than? If I share how much I struggle to make it financially in this world is that something you can understand and relate to? If I say I am sad and lonely, can you feel that, or are you always happy and filled with the busyness of family and friends? Am I all alone in this?

Can I take those chances, would you understand? That is courage, to show the truth of yourself. It is not weakness, it is strength beyond strength. When I am honest and it falls on deaf ears the honesty sits inside me like a stone. Yes I want to always share my love, joy, light but I need to be able to show the fears, the anger, the loneliness to be balanced, to be whole.

Each time I don’t get the response; each time I see the glazed look on your face, or feel your silence reacting to my words I know that you are just not ready, or willing, to handle the rawness. But I can’t settle for anything less. I have enough superficial relationships in my life. I refuse to be halfway with those I love. There is a saying “If you cannot handle at my worst, you do not deserve me at my best”.

So I am going to keep going out on a limb, showing my vulnerability to those I should be safe with. No more covering up fear, or sadness. No more pretending not to have feelings just in case they don’t feel the same. No more playing the game of you show me yours first. I don’t want to live with a shell of protection around me. Yes it protects from those who might harm but it also keeps out love, honesty and grace. I am old enough and smart enough to be discerning in who I let in. And I trust myself…and I am learning to trust you.

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Daily Life

You Don’t Get to Decide how I Feel

Did someone ever make a decision on how they think you feel and then proclaim that to be a fact? This has happened to me a couple of times lately. And it is kind of making me stand up and say no.

First case is a man I am having some sort of a relationship with. I say some sort because I cannot really define it, and that is part of the problem. So he says ” I know you are annoyed by the situation”. What?? No I am not annoyed, I never said I was annoyed, I did not act annoyed that I am aware of. I am confused. I have said repeatedly, I am confused, I am unclear, I do not have clarity, I would like to talk about this so I would be less confused…..over and over again. But somewhere off in his world he decides I am annoyed. Why, because that is easier for him. Annoyance, anger, dislike he can brush off, feel defensive, feel justified in not talking, whatever, it is easier. Because my confusion involves talking, clarity, honesty, sharing and that he does not want to deal with. So he decides in his own mind how I feel and then that becomes a fact for him. Even though it is not true. Of course I cleared that up with him. You do not get to decide how I feel and then make it a truth when it is not.

Next case today, a co worker. She inserted herself in a situation with me and another person that she had no business being involved in. I was trying to take care of something and somehow it became 3 people talking and her viewpoint was not mine. I did not back down, I did not agree with her and I stood my place strongly. So then I receive an email that starts out “I am sorry I upset you”. No, you do not have the power to upset me. I respond to the email staying professional and only addressing the issues that were being discussed and not becoming personal. Her response started and ended again with ” sorry you were upset”. Ok, I have had enough. Instead of playing email tag I go straight to her office and state “I am not upset, I am frustrated”. And then proceeded to outline the very valid reasons for my frustration. I said again “I am not upset, and I do not want you to think that I am.”. So I think in this case it is again about power, “oh I upset her, poor thing, well I will apologize”. I never said I was upset, I was not emotional. How dare you dismiss my sense of self by deciding how I feel. Not today, I am not playing your game.

So how often do people do this to us? And why do we let it happen? Is it easier? Do we think maybe they are right? I have to tell you, when we let people tell us who we are and how we feel we give away our souls, we give away our power, we lay down. Not OK. I think it is always about control. Someone else telling me how I feel to gain control over me. I become the puppet and they the master. And I let it happen.

I am over that. Honestly I might not be making any friends with this one, but I am ok with that. First friend is myself. And anyone who wants to pull my strings in any situation is not trying to have an honest relationship. Every person I meet does not have to be my friend, my confidante or even my buddy. I can have casual friendships, casual encounters, I can even be casual within my family. So I do not feel the need to fix each bump in the road among the people in my life. What I feel the need for is to be aware of people trying to play me, trying to define me and not let them. I decide what my truth is, no one else and my job is communicate that truth with respect and stand firm.

The flip is I need to be careful of defining others. We all play the game on both sides. I interpret how I think someone feels based on my mirror, what works for me. How it applies to me. I have to stop that. I cannot assume I know, I have to ask. And that also is my job. To be aware, to not assume, to not label or identify, but to ask and listen and hear. We know what we give, we receive back. So the path to being seen as I truly am is to start seeing others as they truly are. They get to decide that, not me. Maybe from there we can start to see each other as truly magnificent humans with minds, feelings and souls that belong solely to ourselves.

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Daily Life, Inspiration

No Bad Days

“No Bad Days”, a mantra I have with a friend.  We say it to others but it is a bond between us.  So I was thinking today, really?? no bad days?  Are we being blase about this, a little cavalier?  Surely there must be bad days, everyone has them right?  Car breaks down, someone is sick, a check  bounces, and worse.  Someone dies, a divorce, a heartbreak, things are going to happen and we call those things bad.

But lets think about this. My belief is that EVERYTHING come from a Universal energy source. Many people call it God, Allah, One MInd, Universal Energy, the list goes on, I think my favorite is The Beloved. It does not matter what you call It,  you can call it Sam or Samantha for that matter.  The point is everything comes from Source. And everything from Source is good, everything from Source is Love. So nothing can be bad. 

It can appear bad. But that is a judgement we as humans put on a given situation.   The truth is that life can be painful, sad, scary, lonely, distressing, angry, and more. But are those things bad?  They are lessons.  Everyone of those feelings is the other side of joy, happiness, safety, freedom, well being, loving and more. We have to have that balance in our lives to know the good.  You cannot see light without darkness, the shadows, the intensities, that is what shows us depth, both in our souls and in our lives.

Every time we dig down and survive, every time we surface in gratitude we grow.  We become stronger, wiser and more compassionate.  I can see you, I can see your pain and I know  the pain, anger, sadness, anguish, this IS NOT THE TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE.  The truth is YOU ARE LOVE,  You (and I) are here to love, to learn, to grow, to teach, to be The Beloved here on earth. And the Beloved does not have bad days.  Hard days, yes, teaching days, yes, growing days, yes.  But these are not bad, they are the experiences that make us strong, wise and human.  They give us balance and take us home.  

So yes, I can say ” No Bad Days”.

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Daily Life

Attachment 101

I am taking a new class.  It is a short 4 week class on the book The 5 Levels of Attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.  I have read about half the book now.  If you have read anything by Don Miguel you know have to read it over and over.  I have read the 4 Agreements so many times I can quote it (in my sleep).  But each time it goes deeper and I have more understanding.  I think that is how The 5 Levels of Attachment will be.  I have only had one class, but as soon as it was offered I jumped at the chance to take it.  Because I attach easily and I am not sure why.

It helps me to have a formula to recognize my roles and how I am playing them out.  I don’t want to go over the book too much (you can read and decide for yourself).  For me, to be able to say I am at level 1 or 3 or 2 helps me step outside the situation and gives me some breathing room. A moment to assess and recognize where I am at and if is this where I want to be.

I have one big attachment right now.  Sure, its a relationship one.  If I could just let go of the fantasy I have built around this person and the future my life would be better.  I am trying, but it keeps coming back for different reasons. When I look at this situation unemotionally it is nothing I want, so let it go right? Easier said than done.  Do I just want to win? Do I want to be right? Do I want the power that comes with surrender from another? Do I want to believe that love conquers all?  Is this even love, probably not. It might be about control.  Isn’t it enough to just control my own life, do I have to direct all players in it also?  That is tiring and really doesn’t work.  People are going to do their own thing, I know I am.

It So this is another journey, this dis-attaching. I am thinking start small, get some skills and work up to the larger issues. I know my life will be more joyful, calmer and closer to Spirit once I clean house.  Another way of letting go and being more authentic, more free, more open to the truth. Clarity, seeing myself as I really am, this is the goal. Wish me luck, this one is going to take some time.

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Daily Life

Waiting

I feel like I am waiting for something.  I am not sure what.  Things have changed so much for me in the last 2 years.  I have gone from living in a family home with my son and his girlfriend to a granny unit over a garage at a house where I am a stranger.  I have gone from caring for my son, our dogs and my mother to caring only for myself. My mom is gone now, my dad also. My sister and I used to live around the block from each other, now we are separate, but still in the same town. I often feel lost, I often feel alone

.  Yes on the surface it looks good.  I have a good job, a sister who is my best friend, a son who loves me, beautiful close friends that I spend time with, safe housing in a well maintained environment among friendly people who welcome me, a church I resonate with and that gives me acceptance and guidance and the security of living in a community where I have grown, and raised a family.  I cannot walk into a place and not feel familiar with someone. So what is my problem?

This is another transition and I am getting older and running out of time.  I never really feel this is it, I am at the place I belong.  I didn’t feel it in my marriage.  I knew someday I would lose my home. We all know someday our parents will pass.  When I lived with my son and my heart daughter I knew it was temporary. Each job has been a stop along the way.  Even friends change with time.  Almost always I keep my friends but circumstances and rhythms of our lives change. I have never,  in any romantic relationship, known that forever kind of feeling. Maybe when I was starry eyed 18 and a bride, but that changed and at some point i knew that we were not destined for forever.

All of those situations have brought me to today, and I have mostly loved and appreciated the moments.  There have been very hard times, painful times that have taken my breath and left me on my knees.  Even those times have a tragic beauty that have shown me new doors.  There is a saying “With each loss comes freedom.”.  Man, is that true for me.  I have never been so free, so unencumbered, so open for life to come in.  For the first time, I think in my life, it is just me.  My last vestiges of responsibility were stripped from me last year when I lost my home and walked away from all I had known and built.   So now what?  I feel alone, sometimes it is very freeing and almost exciting.  But I am getting older and I feel like time is slipping away.  I want to find my place and I want that forever kind of love. Are those things not for me in this lifetime? Is that one of my lessons?  I don’t know, I keep trying, I keep my mind and my heart open but the days pass and then the weeks and then the months.

This is not to say I sit around sad and lonely, that is not the case.  Each day is full and the hours fly.  I sleep good and my only true concern is financial, and don’t most of us feel that.  I am a happy person with a joyful spirit.  But there a darkness to each of us. To deny that is to bury it.  It will come for me one way or another.  I would rather sit in the darkness for a minute knowing it is my friend and here to teach me.  That way I can step into the light cleanly not afraid, just acknowledging there are many sides to myself. I love them all.

So now I set out on my day. It happens to be Sunday, there is church, a birthday, a meet up with my son, good food, good love, good friends.  My goodness surrounds me.  And during this transition I will celebrate, enjoy and await my next adventure, hoping to find my place and my forever love.

 

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Daily Life

The Star of Your LIfe

So I am at the coffee shop last weekend with a friend.  I ask her what she wants, a regular latte. I say ok, I am going to get an iced one. So she says oh well, I will just get iced also. What? Why? Well it will be easier for them. So what, get what you want.  Don’t give up what you want to make it easier for someone else.  Truth is, the barista could care less. My girl got regular, I got iced, everyone was happy.

When did we start doing that? I think it was young.  We grew in an age where you don’t rock the boat, make nice for everyone.  Put others needs first. I am so done with that.  And you know what, when you are with me, you are done with too.  We don’t get to shrink back anymore.  We put ourselves at the front of our lives. 

Here is what I know…if I do not respect and honor myself no one else will.  People will either take advantage of me or feel sorry for me.  Neither of those are acceptable. People will take there lead from me on how to treat me.  If I walk in expecting to be treated decently, and give the same, then that is what I will receive.  Playing small, standing back serves no one.  We lift others up by expecting more and showing the way.

One time a friend said that I was the star of my life.  Well yes, and you should be too.  Is was not an egotistical observation. This is not about me being better or above anyone at all.  It is just that my life, is the most important life to me.  We are here to love each other, learn from each other and interact on a variety of planes, but we truly are individual beings moving through this life. 

So even with the small things, like coffee, get what you want.  Make your choice and own it. Because those small things are the blocks we build our foundations on.  At the end of the day loving and honoring yourself gives you room to love and honor others. 

Namaste

 

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Daily Life

Sunday is my bridge

Is Sunday morning the beginning or end of a week?  Do I set my intention today for the week ahead or do I gather my lessons from the week left behind and settle them in my mind? I guess it is both. Sunday is like a bridge for me.  I spend time gathering my thoughts and feelings from what I have experienced recently.   I see where there was hurt or dis ease in my life.  I try to figure out why, I try to move past those experiences.  I celebrate the joys and gifts I was given. I have so very many blessings, Sunday being one of them. I learn from those also, as joy and love are the bricks I stand on to reach the good life.   But Monday looms ahead and the world is knocking at my door.  All the “to do’s” return, that is the rhythm of my life right now. So on Sunday I look for peace and reflection, I look for time in nature, I spend time with Spirit, i spend time with those I love, my family, my friends, I ready myself for world.  Yes Sunday is my bridge……….. 

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Daily Life

Choosing to pass on the world’s news

I can barely read the news anymore.  I try everyday, I get up, I sit down at my computer and I click AOL news or Mail Online or some news source.  I start with the headlines, there is always terrible news story headlining the page.  4 people dead, young women kidnapped, a fathers pain, a mother grief.  And I scroll down, looking for something, anything that will keep me there.  Sometimes I find a compelling story and I start reading it. It gets in my body, it gets in my brain, it gets in my soul.   I just cannot handle the news.  Its overwhelming, the amount of pain in the world. 

Are we too big now?  Has the internet opened us up so much that the pain and outcry is global instead of local.  I love the internet, it has connected the world in a way that nothing else could ever have done.  And I want to know about what is going on in the world, the world has become smaller, and it is my world.  But I become overwhelmed with the sadness and the pain, and that does not help my world.

I believe I can change the world  by being a light in the world.  By being a beacon of love, of hope, of peace.  And perhaps the people that benefit most are right here in my life, my town, my community.  And those people, oh my gosh, they are so important.  These are my people. I can get outraged that children in Nigeria have been abducted but my upset, anger and fear around that do not help me transfer loving energy to people that I actually can help. I need to be able to give the homeless man sitting on the street an honest look from one human to another. I need to be able to soothe an upset co worker with laughter.  I need to be able to tell my son, my sister, my friends that life is good and love is here for all.  I have to come from a place of peace and love to do that.

So I will continue to try to be informed.  And if it is local news, something I can effect, then I am right there.  But I no longer apologize, even to myself, for passing by many of the news stories flooding my space, clogging my brain and wounding my heart.  I will stand in a place of love, of peace, of joy.  I choose to save my energy for those things.

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Daily Life, Inspiration

Changing Roles

I have been thinking lately on how my roles and identity changes and shifts as my life moves forward.  So many of the roles I played during my life seemed have shifted and changed.   I am not sure what is left.  At some point does it get so stripped down that all you are is yourself. Am I almost there?

We identify ourselves often through others.  I have been a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, a lover, a co-worker.  Those are the big ones. And they have all changed.  My parents are gone, passed now. I am still my parents daughter, but not in a physical way that is active in my life. I am still a mother, my role is different now. My son is grown, he is a man with his own life and he needs me to mother from a distance. Thank the Beloved I am still a sister, that role has held my hand through both amazing and devastating times. But I am not really the big sister now, we are past those days.  I have not been a wife for a long time now, that piece is missing. Can it return, perhaps.  But it will be different. I am not a young woman wanting a family.  I am a grown woman wanting a mate.

And yes, I am still a friend, a lover, co-worker.  All of those morph also with time.  Friends change, move on. The same with lovers, boyfriends, co-workers.  You  still have love for them and a relationship but time changes your interactions with them.   It has to, life moves forward, life creates, that is what Spirit does. So new players come in, your role shifts a little.  Maybe you’re the older wiser friend this time, maybe the younger one.Perhaps you’re the crazy friend, or the one who keeps the balance.  Maybe you are the boss, maybe you are the new employee learning from the ground up.  And lovers, boyfriends, well each time it is brand new. Each relationship brings its own lessons and growth.

So where does that leave me now?  Who is this new person I am growing into?  What new roles are around the corner? Spirit always fills the voids.  The roles I have played have brought me far and taught me much, but there is more to learn and miles to go. So I am readying myself, recognizing the gifts I have been given along the way.  I feel hungry for the new,  Who and what are around the corner waiting on me to appear?

 

 

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