This writing is kind of a confessional. I have been paying for a gym membership for years and not using it. I had been a member of this gym for at least 20 years and the 1^st 10 years I used it religiously. I went to classes, I had friends there, I was a gym rat. But life changed and my friends dropped out. They gym changed, there were no more classes but I still went, just not as often.

Fast forward to 4-5 years ago. I don’t want to go anymore. I tried, I would make an effort. It would last a couple of months and fall off. I would try again, same thing.  2 years ago, I tried to quit. They offered a sabbatical instead. I could take 3 months off, no charge, and then return. Okay I tried that. I pretty much never went back.

For 2 years I have been paying  $29 a month for nothing. I don’t think I have been a handful of times in the last 2 years.  And I have a lot of excuses, but the truth is I don’t want to go.

So why all the drama about quitting?  I have thought about quitting every month for 2 years. Just pull the plug, right?

Here is the other truth, I need to lose weight. And I have shame around that. How can a fat girl quit the gym? What will people think? How can I just give up?

I am active, I love walking for exercise and am out there on a regular basis.  I have a sit/stand desk at work which I honestly use. I live upstairs so there is constant up and down, up and down. And I live alone, so everything that needs to be done from washing my truck to taking out the garbage is mine to do.

Even now I am explaining to you because I feel I have to justify quitting to my readers. Fat shame goes deep.

So back to quitting.  Every week I think I have to do this. I can’t afford to throw money. (honestly, I can’t).  But then I think how uncomfortable it will be. They will try to get me to stay. I will have to explain. There are so many “fit” people there watching me.  And you have to do this in person, there are papers to sign. I thought about taking a friend for support.  Every month it became bigger.

Until yesterday, when I said “Suck it up buttercup”. You have left jobs, men and homes. You can quit the gym.

I go in there. Yes, there were many “fit” people. No one pays attention to what I am doing. I go up to the desk and there is the Hot Gym guy manning the desk.  And I say “I want to cancel my membership” and he says “Okay” and gets the paperwork.

What???? Where is the judgement? Where is the disapproving looks?  Aren’t there going to be questions? Don’t I need to explain?

Apparently not.

We are having conversation, about the day, the weekend. At some point he asks me what am I going to do?  Oh, here we go, I have to explain.  I stumble on words like, well, umm, walking, not using. And he stops me and says “no I meant what are going to do this afternoon?”

That was it. All that drama. All that money. All that angst. It was all me. No one was judging me but me.  I am my own harshest critic. I beat myself up for my perceived flaws and am met with love and kindness.

Actually, the title should be I quit the gym and no one judged.

We get all caught in what we think the world thinks of us and then we realize they are not thinking at all. As much as that is humbling it is freeing.   If there is something that is not working for you, it is okay to change. It is okay to leave things behind and make room for something new or different in your life.

And all that judgement, just a mirror. It was me, judging me. Sure, there people around who are judgmental but that is more about them than us. That is their mirror.

Friends, if there is something that is calling to you then do it. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks.  Do your own thing, sing your own song, walk your own walk. And the ones who will meet you with love and kindness will find their way to you.