Monthly Archives: July 2015

Change, Daily Life, Freedom, Growth, Release

The Keys in My Life

I carry 2 keys.  I only need 2 keys in daily life. I have a key chain with a car key and a house key. That’s it.  My life is simple and I can see that because I don’t carry a lot of keys anymore.

With keys come responsibility.  I remember how important grown ups keys seemed when I was a child.  Keys did important things and they were critical. You could not drive without a key. The house key was the most important. We could lock up when we left knowing it kept us safe. . And Mom and Dad had the keys to open it. Their key rings were full of mysterious keys that must have held important meaning in their life. As a child that is what I thought. All adults had full key rings, they must be so very important. The jingling sound of keys, a sound we all can relate to.

I remember getting my first house key and how grown up that felt.  The responsibility was impressed upon me. Don’t lose the key, don’t share the key, only use the key for these reasons.  We are giving this to you because you are old enough to handle the responsibility of having a key to our house. And it was a responsibility and it did move me along the path of growing up.

Time goes by, I start collecting my own keys. Car keys, door keys, keys for works, safe deposit box keys, my sisters house, my moms house key, key to the storage unit, key to this or that. And my key ring grew, I must be very important.  I have all these things I am responsible for.

At some point the keys are out of control. My home had different keys for the front door, the side door, the laundry room door, the bedroom door, the outside bonus room door. The house needed its own key ring. And then I had keys from my relatives houses, they would change their locks, I would get more keys. It started getting confusing, I had work keys, so I could open up. Then I would change jobs and get more work keys. I had car keys. In the old days you had door key, ignition key, gas cap key and maybe trunk key. And of course I had to have multiple keys in case I lost my keys.  So when I got a new car or a new job or changed the the locks the multiple keys never really moved away. And it was confusing, and overwhelming.  I think my experience is pretty normal.

When I moved things changed, I threw away all the keys. My mom had passed, didn’t need her key. My sister moved, her keys were obsolete, I don’t have new ones. All those keys to my life…gone.  They were so very important and in the end, not important at all. They did not make m2015-07-31 19.18.23e important or valuable.  They took up space and energy.  I don’t need my life to be that complex.  These are my keys now, a door key and a the key to my truck.  Simple, simple, simple. I do have the key to my son’s apartment because he needed a safe place to keep one. I don’t carry it or use, it is not mine. I also have 1 other key ring with my storage shed key and my apartment storage key. I barely use those and I don’t carry them.

So this, this way of living that does not include collecting keys and the strings that go with them, is freeing to me. I like that my life is simplified and easy.  I have whittled down and identified what is important and what is mine to keep track of. I have let go of the rest. If I do this with keys I can expand it. What else am I carrying in my life that really is not mine or is unnecessary? What else am I carrying that I have collected with the idea it made me important or valuable?  Be it ideas, beliefs or tangible items, what can I let go of?  What no longer serves the life I choose for myself?  I guess these questions will be answered along the way.

Here is to freedom!

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Connection, Honesty, Inner Voice, Inspiration, Spirit, Truth

The Clues Along the Way…

Paying attention to the little things.  That instant in time when you think something might have happened but you are not sure…. did you hear something, feel something, did something grab your attention, wake up, it all means something.

This came home to me again tonight when I found the milk leaking all over inside the refrigerator. As I was cleaning it up I remembered a moment on Friday. The milk hit something, I don’t remember exactly what. I remember thinking “hmmm wonder if that cut the carton”.  But I didn’t check, I just moved on. And today I found out well yes, it did.

We get clues all the time, little clues, big clues. We have to pay attention.  Life moves fast and it is easy easy to overlook what we don’t want to see. Way easier than dealing with it. I remember dating a guy once and finding a cut straw in his kitchen. If you have been around drugs at all you know what that means. I knew what that meant, but I choose to ignore it. To believe it was meant for something else, or leftover from a previous person. Or whatever lie I told myself so I didn’t have to deal with it. But eventually the truth came out. it all blew up and I could have avoided all of that angst and drama if I had not chosen to be asleep. But the lesson in that was learned and I never forgot it. The truth is the truth, even if I turn my face from it.

People drop clues all the time to who they really are.  I do it, you do it. It is human to do it. We want to tell our story, we want someone to know us, really know us. But it is hard to be transparent, sometimes it is not safe. So we test the waters and we see who cares enough to find our truth.  And those people, those precious few people become our safe place in the world.

I need to look at myself and see how am I doing. Am I being that person, that safe place?  At this point, I get it. It is not about the fancy house or car.  It is not about the power job. It is not about the social ladder. It is not about the money in the bank or the vacation. It is about people and how we make each other feel. All the money in the world, all the trappings, cannot take the place of compassion, kindness and awareness.

My job is to be awake.  My job is to be gentle with the world. My job is listen to the answer when I ask how you are. My job is look past the smile into your eyes and see the truth. My job is to be aware of your body language. Are you shut down, are you in pain?  Do you need a hand? What are your unsaid words saying? The part you leave out may tell me more then the spoken words.  My job is to to listen past the “good morning” into the knowing of how you really feel.

I don’t have to have every detail to give a kind word, a smile or pat on the shoulder.  I don’t have to bleed with you to be compassionate with your pain.  A hug, a smile, a “I know how that feels’, a shared thought, can go so far in today’s crazy hurry up world. We are all so busy and so fragmented that we rush past each other. And I am guilty of that also. And I need to be honest. . If I have had a hard night, say it. If I am a little sad, say it. I don’t have to expand,  but I can be real about who I am. And maybe that gives you room to be honest also. Or maybe it gives you the opportunity to practice compassion, which is awesome.

And my job for myself, stay awake. Listen to what the Universe is telling me. Because that is where Truth comes from. The truth of who I am. That inner all knowing voice inside has only  my best and truest intentions and will never lead me down the wrong path. I can trust that voice.  I cannot afford to close my eyes to what is uncomfortable, scary, sad,  or challenging.  It won’t disappear because I don’t pay attention. It will come back, messier than ever.

It is time to live with my eyes and my heart open.  To gather the clues I am being shown and work with them to make a better way of life. No more stumbling through life, saying I should have known.  The truth is I did know and I did not pay attention.  Everything means something.  Most of the time it is so far removed we cannot see the connection, but it is there. So pay attention to the world. Pay attention to the signals the Universe gives.That inner knowing will warn you of pitfalls and the Universe will always guide you to Love.

Namaste

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Blessings, Daily Life, Growth, Healing, Humanity, kindness, Love

Crossing Paths on the Corner

I am so blessed.  I am simply so blessed.

This happened about a week ago and I can’t shake it from my mind. I was driving down the neighborhood and I see a young lady sitting on a corner. Not doing anything, I just happen to notice her. She kind of looked like a street person but she didn’t have any packs or anything with her. I go home. 5 hours later I am driving down that same street.  She is still sitting there.  Just sitting there on the sidewalk.

I can’t just drive by.  I turn around.  I approach her. I ask her some questions, is she okay, waiting for someone, can I get her anything, is she hungry, thirsty?  Anything, how can I help?  I can tell she is mentally out of balance.   There is no logical process to her thoughts.  I am pretty sure I was talking to multiple personalities.  There was a lot of “we” in her verbiage.  She was polite but definite in not wanting any help and “no police please”.  Over and over “no police please”. I offered her food, no thank you. Can I call someone, no thank you. Can I help you at all, no thank you.

What was I supposed to do?  We do not have good services in this town for mental health.  They closed all that down claiming money issues. Especially on a Saturday night.  If I called the police they were not going to take her to get help anywhere.  Either they would take her in and book her for the night, or just tell her to move along. No real help.  She wasn’t hurting anyone, she wasn’t in immediate danger.She has a right to live as she chooses.

Really, I have to walk away?  I did.  And then I drove away and cried.  Cried because I am so blessed, and she is so lost. Cried because she was someone’s child once upon a time. Cried because my child is safe and loved and blessed and I am grateful. Cried because I am helpless sometimes against the cruelties of the world. Cried because she is another me, and I could not reach her.  This, this is whats stabs my soul, there are humans lost out there.  They started out with the same promise as I did.  To live life and live it well. To love life, to feel joy, to feel safety, to feel loved. But somewhere along the line they became broken and lost.  And no one caught them when they fell.

broken

So I drive on, as she mirrors back to me, all that could have been. But I was lucky because my paths to get to where I am now have been twisted with lots of forks in the roads.  Only I know all the choices I could have made and didn’t.  Somehow Grace saved me.  Over and over, Grace saved me. And I am grateful. It is those of us that have cracks and stood on those edges that know how fragile life can be. How a couple of steps one way or the other can change everything.  No one caught my girl on the corner and she stepped too far.

I drove back by a couple of hours later and she was gone.  I hope to a place where there was some welcome. A kind voice and some protection.  She is haunting me now, making me look harder at myself and my life.  It was frustrating to not be able to fix it, even a little bit.  But I guess that would be about making myself feel better, less guilty.  Perhaps the lesson is that we are all human, we all walk our own paths. To  respect each other and help as we can along the way. And to be compassionate without overstepping boundaries. It is hard to keep that balance. Maybe my best advice for myself is to think how I want to be treated and act accordingly.

My young woman on the corner, you are in my prayers, sleep peaceful and safe tonight.

Namaste

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Balance, Growth, Healing, self love, Soul, Wholeness

Balance and Wholeness, Can We have Both?

Wholeness and balance, what is the difference? I was having a discussion with my friend the other night.  We got into the balance/wholeness topic.  So my friend was speaking about balance, needing balance in her life and working towards that.  So I comment that I am focused more on wholeness and then question comes up “can we define those terms?” And so that is what is on my mind.

Balance: super important. When I am out of balance my skin just doesn’t quite fit, my life is uneven and I am invested in one area way too much. This happens all the time. I take on too much work and I quit having fun. I share way too much and then withdraw. I focus on a relationship and everything else goes out the window. I decide to get healthy and forget to relax. I could go on with many examples. Probably you could too. It is not necessarily bad, in fact I think it is human. We become engrossed, passionate, committed, and it feels good, until it doesn’t.

I have learned to recognize the symptoms more quickly these days.  I can say “I am out of balance, I am spending too much time on this, i have neglected that.” I am much quicker to correct the situation.  Sometimes I cannot, life does not easily allow me to move out of the situation. For instance, if I was  put in a care taking situation, or any kind of crisis where I want to help, it would be hard to step away. But I can recognize it and work towards taking care of my needs. I can look at the what I am putting my attention to and dial it back a little. I can see that balance will be regained in the future and therefore have peace with the present.

But if my very life has created the imbalance, well I have the tools to fix that. There is no need for me flounder and feel out of control. I make my choices and I look at the big picture.  Am I paying attention to my health? Am I paying attention to my Spiritual life?  Am I paying attention to my responsibilities? Do I have enough love in my life?  Am I laughing enough, am I enjoying myself?  When all of these facets are full my life flows with balance.

But wholeness, that is different to me. I realized they are not one and the same. For me, wholeness is being complete in myself. Wholeness is accepting all parts of me.  Accepting the good of me, the difficult parts of me, the intellectual me, the crazy me, the driven me, the relaxed me, the funny me, the cryptic me. All of me. And loving all of those pieces of me.

Wholeness means I do not look for something outside of me to fix me. I know that cannot happen. I look inside for that. I am responsible for my being. Wholeness also means I will walk beside you but not try to fix you. I accept your wholeness just as it is presented to me. If you have pieces missing right now,  you are still perfect in this moment just as you are.

Wholeness does not mean I am not broken, but it does mean I have put the pieces back in. I have worked to fill the cracks and mend the scars. Wholeness means I do not search for someone to complete me, but to complement me. There have been times, even in recent years, I have felt fragmented. Like I had left pieces of myself all along the way of life. Mostly with people, sometimes places. I have gathered many of my pieces and brought them home. I recognize that I am One with The One. This last time when I lost my Grandmother, I felt broken inside, like there were little pieces of me broken but still within my skin.  This time I did not leave pieces behind. I kept them and I healed them. I am full of scars, they are part of my wholeness.

What I know is this, wholeness feels like peace, like love. Wholeness feels like I am enough, just as I am. Maybe that is it, I am enough. Broken, scarred,. fractured, healed, good, bad, beautiful, wistful, curious, searching, lonely, full, loved and loving, all of this and more, I am enough. I am whole, perfect and complete and I am enough, just as I stand.

We need both, Balance and Wholeness.  We will lose our way over and over with them,   We are here to learn about life and lessons come in all sorts of packages. But if we can remember along the way to take a step back and say “Am I in balance, Am I feeling whole?” then we are ahead of the game and surely at the end of the day we have a certain peace and calmness that lives within us.

Namaste

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Change, Expansion, family, Growth, Healing, home, Love

Where is home anyway?

First off my friends, I apologize for going missing.  I have been feeding this last year way more than being fed.  I had to go internal for a minute and recharge.  This blog is important to me and I do  a lot of processing here, but lately my mind has been jumbled and the words simply would not take form.  But I am returned and ready to share with you…….

So how do I define “Home”? Is it a place where I reside? Is it a feeling? Is It a community? Is it family? Do I even have one?  Can I have one?  Do I want one?

When I lost the house I lived in, raised my son, had so memories in, I lost my home.  And I have not found it since.  The last 2+ years I live in a nice apartment very comfortably.  It is not home to me. It has given me many things, safety, time to re balance, a place of non attachment, a place of little responsibility. It has been a resting stop and for that I am grateful. The apartment is attached to a home and the owners have put the entire place up for sale.  So for me, that means a change, again.

Here is what I know, I cannot re create the past.  When I think of home I remember my house, my son, my sister, holidays, our pets, my friends, parties.  So many memories I cannot begin to list them. But that is what they are, memories.And I kinda get it, that for me, home is memories, making memories.  You can’t buy that, you can’t move into that, you have to live it.

A long time ago a man asked me “where do you stay?”  It took me by surprise and I said “well I have a home, I stay there”. But now I understand because lately this is where I stay.  I complain that friends and family don’t come here, don’t stop by, but the truth is, I don’t ask them.  I have not wanted to make this my home.  I have been resistant to letting go and moving forward.  I have put all kinds of blocks up and made this into both a refuge and a place of isolation. So while one has served me, the other has saddened me.

Is home a person?  Somehometimes with friends it feels like coming home.  You share laughter and tears.  But home cannot be one person, it is bigger than that. We are bigger than that. Our lives are so big and complex.  There are too many pieces to call one thing home.  I find home in my friends, my family and my community. I hope they find that in me.  Because feeling at home, safe, comfortable and loved, there is nothing on earth that can touch that.  You cannot shrink that down to fit inside walls.

When I moved in here  I was wounded and reeling from the circumstances surrounding me.  But much of that has healed and I am ready for more.  I simply have to decide what that is and manifest it. And what I want is wholeness within the place I live.  I want peace, I want the sounds of nature, I want the feeling of love, especially self love, in my home.  But I also want the world to come by and share my home with me.  I want memories, I want welcoming, I want ease and grace. I think that is what I really want, ease and grace.  And so all of those I shall now have.  I am ready for them.

Because home is not one place.  It is not that simple. What I am seeing is that my life, the wholeness of my life is my home.  I am my home.  Wherever I go, I take my memories with me, I take my sense of peace with me, I take my laughter with me, I take love wherever I go.  So I can never ever be without a home. It will  look different at different times in my life.  And it is up to me to create whatever kind of space I need at that moment.

So whether I stay here or move on is unknown.  I am available and ready for the Universe to send my Good. And some pieces of it have already arrived.  There is comfort and peace in knowing that there is no struggle, there is no worry,  all good comes my way,  ease and grace is mine to enjoy.

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”
― Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye

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