Daily Life, Inspiration

We Have Today

Hello, I know I have been missing the last few weeks.  My best friend, my sister was suddenly taken ill with a life threatening condition.  She has been in Intensive Care for over 2 weeks now.  They sent her to a large hospital over 2 hours away from me.  I am getting ready today to make my 8th trip to the city to see her. I have kind of lost my balance these days.  I work, travel, be at the hospital or sleep. 

I have many lessons going on here. Patience, gratitude, self care, did I say patience?  But right now, today, this is what I am thinking………

You better live your life.  Today, not tomorrow, don’t think you will start living next week, you might not.  And I know it can’t always be the big things.  Yes, if you want to write that book or climb that mountain, start making your plan.  Don’t say someday, START NOW.  Take those baby steps to your dream.

 But here is what we have right now, today.  It is as simple as that.  Watch the sun rise and set. Appreciate that cup of coffee or tea. Make that hug good-by a little tighter.  Be kind to strangers, share your smile. Don’t dismiss or brush off kind words and thoughts that come to you. Take the time to acknowledge them, absorb the love that comes to you. Send it back out. Cherish the time with your family , your children, your parents and grandparents.  Oh my gosh, tell your people you love them.  Do not wait until tomorrow.  Do not think it not important, or that you have time. Maybe you do, but maybe they don’t.  

You and I, we have this day, it is a gift.  I said before “Our only guarantee is our next breath”. That has home to me hard these days.  I get it. I really get it. My best girl is in a fight for her future right now.. She is one of the most optimistic happy people I have ever met. Almost innocent in her joy. I can try to take that lesson and live it in my life.  We are having some hard days, but I intend to find some joy, some laughter, some love in today.  I invite you to join me..



Daily Life

Just a little plane ride

So my life2014-08-09 13.53.05 has been a bit of a ride this last week.  It is going to take some time to absorb and get the lessons, But for right now let me tell you something I did last weekend.  

I am kind of a chicken.  I don’t take big risks, I don’t skydive, climb mountains, I don’t even jet ski. Physically I have never lived on the edge.  So my friend and I have been planning to go to a local air show. I knew he really wanted to go up in one of the little planes.  Me, not so much. But I am going to the show with him.

We get there,  I don’t really plan to go up in the plane.  I don’t love big planes, why would I go up in a small one? But somehow my name is on the waiting list.  And I watch through out the afternoon, little kids go, big kids go, adults go.  They are all fine.  No one was hurt, no one died.  They all came out smiling.

But me?  I have fears, my fears keep safe, my fears keep me on the ground.  Are these fears reasonable?  Apparently not, cause everyone is having fun, they like it. Hmmmm….. ok. I guess I am going.  So I tell my friends we can both go together, no sending me up in 2 seater. I think, well he will keep me calm, distracted, hold my hand.  It will  be ok, not fun, but ok.

Our turn comes, we head out a little 4 seater plane. Great, now I have to go pee.  Really??  I can’t stop everything and I think its nervous pee.  Ok, ignore it. I’m trying.  Now climb in, I have a dress on.  But somehow I managed to get in my seat semi gracefully without showing anything. I sit down in the seat behind the pilot.  My friend sits in the seat next to him.  What?  I thought we were going to sit next to each other.  I might need to hold your hand.. I am all alone back here. Great. 

The plane takes off.  Pretty smooth.  I wait for panic, fear, I wait for my palms to get sweaty, to have to start taking calming breaths, I wait for that closed in feeling to take over.  I keep waiting, now we are in the air.  Still fine……   I feel great.  I am relaxed, I am comfortable, I am not afraid. This is not what I expected from myself. I sat back and enjoyed the most amazing ride, I took pictures, I laughed and smiled.  I did not want it to end.  I want to go again.

So if I had let fear stop me I would have missed that.  Because my fear was not reasonable.  It was not based on actual dangerous circumstances. It was not my inner voice saying stop.  It was the part of me that holds me back from experiencing all that life has to offer. I stood there on that tarmac and said this is my chance; am I really going to walk away from this experience when my fear is not even rational? And I thought no, fuck this, I am going and whatever happens, happens.  And what happened was a piece of me broke through.  A piece of me said yes to life, instead of no.  I fed trust instead of fear.  I got off the sidelines and into the air.

Will I do that again?  Maybe, I hope so.  I am not suddenly going to start climbing mountain or zip lining through the Rainforest (I would like to do that).  But you know what, maybe I will.  At the very least I have more courage in me and less fear.  I have the knowledge of yes, I did that.  When I am faced with irrational fears I can look them more squarely in the face and know that I can move through them with grace and ease, surviving beautifully, moving forward to the next challenge in my life.

Whatever your plane looks like, get out there and put it behind you.

Inspiration, Spirit

Endings, and Beginnings


The Buddha says “Everything that has a beginning has an end. Make your peace with that and all will be well.”

Can I do this?  How freeing would that be to really live this way.  To know that when something is started at some point it will be ending. And be ok with that.  Wouldn’t I just embrace the moments and not worry and plan into the future. Would I be able to love freely, without strings and conditions or expectations of what could, should, might happen?  Could I find joy in each moment and then let them go?  The very essence of non attachment. To be that free.

Because it is true, and I know this. And yet I cling to the very moments of today.  How many things have I released? Countless and I am still here.  I am still living, loving, searching, singing, moving, crying, talking, fucking, working, mothering, being a friend……everything that makes me who I am.  Letting go did not kill me, did not break me.  At the end of the day I am not bitter or sad.  Maybe melancholy at times, but that is the wistfulness of days gone by. Mostly I have survived every one of those releases. 

Am I changed? Absolutely. Life changes us, Every single day I am different.  I have an experience, major or minor and I am changed.  That is Spirit recreating Itself on earth through me.  Growth, creation, that is the very essence of being human. Still I let go, I accepted the endings, and I survived.

What if I could see that before I suffered the letting go.  I tell you, I do not let go easily.  There are claw marks on everything I ever released.  What a lot of energy I put in to holding on to something that absolutely had an ending. 

And what if things did not end?  Could I really stay forever in a holding pattern? Where would the not ending begin?  We have to grow to adulthood.  Would the life I was living at 21 be my forever life? How much of life I would have missed. I had my son at 22.  My youth had to end for that blessing to occur.  I have had wonderful jobs and made great friends.  What if my first job had not ended?  I would have missed countless people I come to know and many to love. My marriage?  Well If that had not ended I would have never know the beauty and satisfaction of standing on my own and building a life simply for myself. And I have been blessed with intense and satisfying relationships along the way, each teaching me more about myself. My son grew up, he cannot stay a child.  I would miss knowing this amazing man and the many things he brought to my life as an adult. 

Some things have been really hard to let go of.  And those things are deaths; parents, friends, pets, family… How do I let go? I had no choice. Seriously all of those, claw marks, deep ones. I know in each of those losses there are lessons. Sometimes I can see them, it is not easy,  I know they made me grow, I know they made strong. I know they made me compassionate. These are the ones that left the deepest scars.  Some days I would trade the growth, the strength, the compassion to see them again. To be in that place of love with them again.  But that is not possible in this world and this world is where I dwell.  So I take the lessons and carry some sadness.

Still, I think the Buddha has it right.  Knowing there is an end gives me space to celebrate what is now.  To not try to make it anything it is not.  There was one point in my life I really got this.  My son and his girlfriend lived with me for a few years.  It was crowded, it was a lot of work, it was expensive, it was wonderful. And I knew every single day that it was not forever.  Knowing that gave me the freedom to simply love them and accept their love.  My friends and family did not really understand how grown adults (and their dogs) could move back in with mom. Shouldn’t they be moving out, getting their own place, paying rent etc.  For me, all I knew is that is was a moment in time, a gift, and everyday someone said “I love you mom”. And I knew one day it would be over.  So I loved it every minute I could.  Maybe that moment is my lesson in “Everything that has a beginning has an end”. 

So I can take that lesson and hold it close. Remembering that what I have is today.  Everything will end so that something new can begin.  The Universe will fill the void and I am expecting and accepting nothing less than amazing.