Our Next Breath

Our only guarantee is our next breath.  Anything beyond that is not a given.  Life can change fast.  The phone could ring, a knock on the door, a heart attack, an earthquake, a tsunami, anything. Or it could amazing…the love of my life could be the one knocking, the phone call could be a grandchild on the way, maybe win the lottery, a longed for promotion, again anything.  But life would change. So here is what we have, right now, this moment.  And how we spend is what makes up our life.

This is not intended to give the impression that we should live each moment in terror, fear or anticipation of what could happen next.  Its more to awaken ourselves to all the possibilities and very preciousness of our days.  Each time I see you could be my last, how do I want to leave that?  What things am I leaving unsaid?  What am I taking for granted? Your friendship, your love, the blue sky, my next breath?

I know I cannot live without some semblance of security and comfortableness.  To live at such a high level of intensity would defeat the very pieces of my life I find comforting, relaxing and joyful.  But what I can do is recognize everything is fluid, everything will change and appreciate the moments I am given. I can spend these moments in love, grace, humility, and gratefulness.  If I can let those features fill my moments then I will have lived a blessed life.

Inhale, exhale and live in joy…………..


Make a New Agreement

heart in  treeWe can change our minds at anytime about anything.  Last night a friend  made this simplest of statements ” I know I said yes to this, but now I am saying no”.  We were talking about attachments and at that point we were discussing relationships and the unspoken agreements we make to stay in relationships.  And how we become attached to those agreements long past their expiration date.

But the simplicity of just being able to say no.  Can I do that?  It sounds so freeing.  I don’t want to explain, I don’t want to justify, I don’t need a reason. I could just say” I know I said yes to this , but now I am saying no.”  I can  make a new agreement that better fits my needs today.  We don’t have to stay in old agreements when they no longer serve us.  Or when they did not create what we wanted in our lives.

Relationships are our greatest teachers, they hit places in us that nothing else can touch.  We show our vulnerabilities, we place ourselves positions that open us up for hurt and also great joy.  And relationships are where our agreements are the hardest to change.  From family to friends to lovers we have different agreements with everyone.  And the other player has made their own agreements.  Sometimes we get stuck and we don’t know how to change it. So we stay, we dwell in that place that no longer serves our greatest good.

Here’s the good news, we have a mantra now.  “I know I said yes to this, but now I am saying no.”  Say it to yourself, believe it and act as if it is already so.  Let’s see what happens, it will shake things up.  Create a new agreement, a better one.  The one that fits the person you are today.  Life is creation, go create.



Attachment 101 part II; Love

How attached am I to your view of me?  How much does that view affect my self love? And why do hold on to this attachment?  Questions in my homework tonight….

I try to hold my view and assessment of myself separate from how the world at large sees me, even how my friends see me.  But do I succeed?  Not really. I know I judge myself according to what you think.  Not all the time, not in every way but it does matter.  If you think I am good, well I feel a little better. And if you think I am bad or wrong I feel a little worse.  I can work my out of it but it is not automatic. And when its good, well I just take it, so your opinion overrides my own.  And that is not ok. My opinion should be enough.

We grow up this way.  Pleasing mommy and daddy and the teachers and our playmates.  Be nice, be kind, don’t be loud, don’t speak your mind.  There’s a good girl, we like you this way. You blend right in, society likes that.  A man will want you, a man will love you, then you will matter. We twist ourselves into something else to be loved.    No one ever told me to love myself.  A lot of people told me they loved me, but all of them had conditions around that.  They loved when… they loved me if…   they loved me because…. And I attached myself to their opinions, to be worthy of love.

I am just as guilty.  I love you because… I love you when….I love you if you love me, that is a big one.  We make that agreement with another.  Does that feel real?  At that moment yes, but at some point the masks come off.  But we do it, we all want to be loved, probably more than we want to love.  And then love becomes a commodity and we have to earn it.  And we have to dance just right to keep it.  They could take it away and then what? What’s left?

Maybe what is left is self love, where we should have started.  The love that is our birthright.  Our first love, our self.  If we love ourselves without the conditions and the judgement maybe we can be free to love others the same way.  I would like to do that.  The closest I come is my son and my sister. I simply love them. They do not have to dance for my love.  I just love them soul to soul.  Can I take that feeling and love myself?  Can I take that feeling and love another? I would like to, I am working on it.   First love myself, and then clearly, cleanly and unconditionally be able to love another.


Gentle on my Mind

Gentle on my mind.  The phrase is stuck inside my head these days.  The phrase comes from an old song.  I was thinking about a friend on Friday and that phrase came to mind.  There is a calmness now when I think of him. There is a sense of peace and rightness that makes him gentle on my mind.  I can tell you it has not always been this way, there has usually  some distress, some anxiety, some unsettled energy around him.  But something shifted last week, and for now, he is gentle on my mind.  And it feels good, and feels right.

I have no illusions that it will last forever.  Life does not work that way.  But for today I am enjoying the freedom from my monkey mind. I want to expand that, I want life itself to just be “gentle on my mind”.  Can I do with others, can I do that with situations?  What a beautiful phrase, a wonderful gift to give myself.  Did we lose that somewhere, the gentleness, the slower pace, the kindness?  Life became harsher, society is dog eat dog,  climb to the top, road rage.

I just want to slow the fuck down. I want more than just this one man to be gentle on my mind. I want it simple, I want it honest, I want it real. Take off the masks, quit playing the games.  I know it starts with me. And it has already begun.  I strive to be honest and real. I don’t have time for the games.  I will tell you the truth, even if my voice shakes. But I absolutely get caught up into the chaos of the world. I am learning to step back.  Last week I took time for myself.  I ended up spending hours in solitude and it was the best thing for me.  At the end of a crazy week where I struggled for peace, I found that spot where someone could be “gentle on my mind.”

May someone somewhere be Gentle on Your Mind………….


You are the Sky

Great quote and if you have not experienced Pema Chodron you are missing out.  Today, I am holding this thought in my mind. All the circumstances, the situations, the feelings and emotions: weather.  I am the sky. Bigger than all of that. Yesterday I let the world swirl me around a little.  I did take control and ended up where and how I needed to be.  But I had to consciously work to get there.  Today I seek ease and grace. Today I remember that all of the storms, winds and even the sun are circumstances here to show me life in all its facets.  Headed out now, to be the sky, and to observe the weather dance across my life.


Daily Life, Inspiration

No Bad Days

“No Bad Days”, a mantra I have with a friend.  We say it to others but it is a bond between us.  So I was thinking today, really?? no bad days?  Are we being blase about this, a little cavalier?  Surely there must be bad days, everyone has them right?  Car breaks down, someone is sick, a check  bounces, and worse.  Someone dies, a divorce, a heartbreak, things are going to happen and we call those things bad.

But lets think about this. My belief is that EVERYTHING come from a Universal energy source. Many people call it God, Allah, One MInd, Universal Energy, the list goes on, I think my favorite is The Beloved. It does not matter what you call It,  you can call it Sam or Samantha for that matter.  The point is everything comes from Source. And everything from Source is good, everything from Source is Love. So nothing can be bad. 

It can appear bad. But that is a judgement we as humans put on a given situation.   The truth is that life can be painful, sad, scary, lonely, distressing, angry, and more. But are those things bad?  They are lessons.  Everyone of those feelings is the other side of joy, happiness, safety, freedom, well being, loving and more. We have to have that balance in our lives to know the good.  You cannot see light without darkness, the shadows, the intensities, that is what shows us depth, both in our souls and in our lives.

Every time we dig down and survive, every time we surface in gratitude we grow.  We become stronger, wiser and more compassionate.  I can see you, I can see your pain and I know  the pain, anger, sadness, anguish, this IS NOT THE TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE.  The truth is YOU ARE LOVE,  You (and I) are here to love, to learn, to grow, to teach, to be The Beloved here on earth. And the Beloved does not have bad days.  Hard days, yes, teaching days, yes, growing days, yes.  But these are not bad, they are the experiences that make us strong, wise and human.  They give us balance and take us home.  

So yes, I can say ” No Bad Days”.

Daily Life

Attachment 101

I am taking a new class.  It is a short 4 week class on the book The 5 Levels of Attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.  I have read about half the book now.  If you have read anything by Don Miguel you know have to read it over and over.  I have read the 4 Agreements so many times I can quote it (in my sleep).  But each time it goes deeper and I have more understanding.  I think that is how The 5 Levels of Attachment will be.  I have only had one class, but as soon as it was offered I jumped at the chance to take it.  Because I attach easily and I am not sure why.

It helps me to have a formula to recognize my roles and how I am playing them out.  I don’t want to go over the book too much (you can read and decide for yourself).  For me, to be able to say I am at level 1 or 3 or 2 helps me step outside the situation and gives me some breathing room. A moment to assess and recognize where I am at and if is this where I want to be.

I have one big attachment right now.  Sure, its a relationship one.  If I could just let go of the fantasy I have built around this person and the future my life would be better.  I am trying, but it keeps coming back for different reasons. When I look at this situation unemotionally it is nothing I want, so let it go right? Easier said than done.  Do I just want to win? Do I want to be right? Do I want the power that comes with surrender from another? Do I want to believe that love conquers all?  Is this even love, probably not. It might be about control.  Isn’t it enough to just control my own life, do I have to direct all players in it also?  That is tiring and really doesn’t work.  People are going to do their own thing, I know I am.

It So this is another journey, this dis-attaching. I am thinking start small, get some skills and work up to the larger issues. I know my life will be more joyful, calmer and closer to Spirit once I clean house.  Another way of letting go and being more authentic, more free, more open to the truth. Clarity, seeing myself as I really am, this is the goal. Wish me luck, this one is going to take some time.