How attached am I to your view of me? How much does that view affect my self love? And why do hold on to this attachment? Questions in my homework tonight….
I try to hold my view and assessment of myself separate from how the world at large sees me, even how my friends see me. But do I succeed? Not really. I know I judge myself according to what you think. Not all the time, not in every way but it does matter. If you think I am good, well I feel a little better. And if you think I am bad or wrong I feel a little worse. I can work my out of it but it is not automatic. And when its good, well I just take it, so your opinion overrides my own. And that is not ok. My opinion should be enough.
We grow up this way. Pleasing mommy and daddy and the teachers and our playmates. Be nice, be kind, don’t be loud, don’t speak your mind. There’s a good girl, we like you this way. You blend right in, society likes that. A man will want you, a man will love you, then you will matter. We twist ourselves into something else to be loved. No one ever told me to love myself. A lot of people told me they loved me, but all of them had conditions around that. They loved when… they loved me if… they loved me because…. And I attached myself to their opinions, to be worthy of love.
I am just as guilty. I love you because… I love you when….I love you if you love me, that is a big one. We make that agreement with another. Does that feel real? At that moment yes, but at some point the masks come off. But we do it, we all want to be loved, probably more than we want to love. And then love becomes a commodity and we have to earn it. And we have to dance just right to keep it. They could take it away and then what? What’s left?
Maybe what is left is self love, where we should have started. The love that is our birthright. Our first love, our self. If we love ourselves without the conditions and the judgement maybe we can be free to love others the same way. I would like to do that. The closest I come is my son and my sister. I simply love them. They do not have to dance for my love. I just love them soul to soul. Can I take that feeling and love myself? Can I take that feeling and love another? I would like to, I am working on it. First love myself, and then clearly, cleanly and unconditionally be able to love another.