Shift happens, something we say in religious science. Usually it is so small, occasionally it knocks you on your ass. But for my thoughts today shift happened slowly, easily. What is my shift..I now think of myself as single and available. Where did that come from? For so long (years) I have been single. Simply that,nothing more, not anything less. But a couple of weeks ago I had to define myself to someone and I said “I consider myself single and available”. I think that was a first for me. So somewhere, shift happened. I said it to a couple more people. Its becoming more comfortable. I believe I am ready to be available. Am I picky, oh you bet. I am happy with my life and some kind of awesome will have to appear for me to change that, but you know I could change. I am available and now the universe knows that. It is scary and freeing at the same time. Headed out to world today…..single and available. 🙂
I can barely read the news anymore. I try everyday, I get up, I sit down at my computer and I click AOL news or Mail Online or some news source. I start with the headlines, there is always terrible news story headlining the page. 4 people dead, young women kidnapped, a fathers pain, a mother grief. And I scroll down, looking for something, anything that will keep me there. Sometimes I find a compelling story and I start reading it. It gets in my body, it gets in my brain, it gets in my soul. I just cannot handle the news. Its overwhelming, the amount of pain in the world.
Are we too big now? Has the internet opened us up so much that the pain and outcry is global instead of local. I love the internet, it has connected the world in a way that nothing else could ever have done. And I want to know about what is going on in the world, the world has become smaller, and it is my world. But I become overwhelmed with the sadness and the pain, and that does not help my world.
I believe I can change the world by being a light in the world. By being a beacon of love, of hope, of peace. And perhaps the people that benefit most are right here in my life, my town, my community. And those people, oh my gosh, they are so important. These are my people. I can get outraged that children in Nigeria have been abducted but my upset, anger and fear around that do not help me transfer loving energy to people that I actually can help. I need to be able to give the homeless man sitting on the street an honest look from one human to another. I need to be able to soothe an upset co worker with laughter. I need to be able to tell my son, my sister, my friends that life is good and love is here for all. I have to come from a place of peace and love to do that.
So I will continue to try to be informed. And if it is local news, something I can effect, then I am right there. But I no longer apologize, even to myself, for passing by many of the news stories flooding my space, clogging my brain and wounding my heart. I will stand in a place of love, of peace, of joy. I choose to save my energy for those things.
Am I the bit player in your life, or are you the player in mine? Our paths cross briefly, spirit brushing spirit. Each life rich, complex, full of dreams, emotions, worries, longings. Each individual a complete representation of Spirit on earth. The web spins larger and larger reaching no end, each of us touching one another and passing on. Am I your dream, or are you mine?
I have been thinking lately on how my roles and identity changes and shifts as my life moves forward. So many of the roles I played during my life seemed have shifted and changed. I am not sure what is left. At some point does it get so stripped down that all you are is yourself. Am I almost there?
We identify ourselves often through others. I have been a daughter, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, a lover, a co-worker. Those are the big ones. And they have all changed. My parents are gone, passed now. I am still my parents daughter, but not in a physical way that is active in my life. I am still a mother, my role is different now. My son is grown, he is a man with his own life and he needs me to mother from a distance. Thank the Beloved I am still a sister, that role has held my hand through both amazing and devastating times. But I am not really the big sister now, we are past those days. I have not been a wife for a long time now, that piece is missing. Can it return, perhaps. But it will be different. I am not a young woman wanting a family. I am a grown woman wanting a mate.
And yes, I am still a friend, a lover, co-worker. All of those morph also with time. Friends change, move on. The same with lovers, boyfriends, co-workers. You still have love for them and a relationship but time changes your interactions with them. It has to, life moves forward, life creates, that is what Spirit does. So new players come in, your role shifts a little. Maybe you’re the older wiser friend this time, maybe the younger one.Perhaps you’re the crazy friend, or the one who keeps the balance. Maybe you are the boss, maybe you are the new employee learning from the ground up. And lovers, boyfriends, well each time it is brand new. Each relationship brings its own lessons and growth.
So where does that leave me now? Who is this new person I am growing into? What new roles are around the corner? Spirit always fills the voids. The roles I have played have brought me far and taught me much, but there is more to learn and miles to go. So I am readying myself, recognizing the gifts I have been given along the way. I feel hungry for the new, Who and what are around the corner waiting on me to appear?
I was reading a quote this morning on the universe and it being an echo. One line stuck me “The Universe is not blessing you”….what??? I feel blessed all the time. I count my blessings, I say thank you for my blessings. I am all about being blessed. So the universe does not bless me, how can this be? And I got it, I am the blessing. Of course I am blessed. The universe is responding to me, to what I am giving out. I am the blessing. And I forgot that, or I never really made that leap before. Everything in my life is a reflection of me. Of the energy I generate. So all these blessings I have, wonderful friends, a loving family, a safe home, great memories and dreams for the future, that is all me. I am these things, I am a wonderful friend, I love my family, I created my safe haven, my memories and my dreams. Everyday I wake and am a blessing in this world. So when you count your blessings, count yourself. I am starting with me.
So I kind of poured out my feelings and thoughts in a letter. It was in response to a conversation that was initiated by the other person. And nothing from them, dead silence. Not a ‘that is interesting’, thank you for sharing….nada. Why do I do this? And why can’t I just let it go? So there was no response, so what. I am not responsible or in control of what anyone else does. Still, being ignored is the worst. Dead silence is the worst. Makes me feel less than, less than valuable, less than heard, unacknowledged. Ok, I know I cannot look outside myself for my value. I understand that taking anything personally weakens me as a person. Still, I fucking hate being ignored.
I am getting better at living in the moment, or at least in the day. I guess I have been around long enough to see that most of the worries I carried never came to pass. The the things that knocked me on my ass, worry could not prevent. I was knocked down anyway. Still its hard to stay in the moment. Not to plan or design the future, just let life occur.
Living outside of the moment means I miss so much of right now. Yes, its good to look back, have memories and revisit good and bad times. We can learn from our past, we can feel loved and supported by our past. Every single moment has brought me to who I am today. But only visit, don’t dwell there, life is now. And the future is the future. The steps we make today take us there, but there are many ways to arrive. Let go of pushing the river and flow down with it. It is a much easier ride. So here is to today…all of its joys, lessons and paths to tomorrow. Don’t miss today.
It was such a busy weekend. Actually the last 2 weeks. I feel tired from being around people so much lately. I have a need for alone time and a need for social time. Its hard to balance the two. I love my friends and my family. Its good for me to go out and see people and have social interactions, but they tire me out. They drain me rather than enliven me. My time alone is what feeds me. It is what give me the energy to engage with the world. But too much time alone, its not healthy for me. I am always trying to find that balance.
Is this part of what keeps me single? Maybe. I like my time and I find in relationships I give away too much of what I need for what the other person wants. Sometimes being single is like my fortress, but it can be a lonely one.
But here I go, out to world again. People, traffic, demands, sharing space, sharing air, all of it. And yet, there are smiles, laughter, hugs, joy, color, and the feeling of humaness and being connected. Those are the things I look for today.
So here goes my first post, starting seems to be the hardest part. For awhile now I have thinking of starting up a blog. I’m on Facebook but that doesn’t to be the place for me to expand on what I want to share. I try to keep Facebook light, fun and a little inspirational, but nothing too heavy. Here I want to dig a little deeper. This is the strange thing, I have not told a soul I am doing this. I think I need a little anonymity to speak freely. At least for now, until I get my feet wet.
A little about me…. I am a woman in my 50’s, living in a small town in Northern CA. Born and raised here. I am single and have been for about 20 years now. Single as in I live alone and take care of my own support. Not single as in no boyfriends or lovers. Those come and go (more later on that I’m sure). I have one son, grown and independent, he also lives in the same area.
I love my family, I love my friend’s, I love my life. And I have some things to say……So check back now and then and see whats fallen out of my head onto my blog. Peace out my friends.