First off my friends, I apologize for going missing. I have been feeding this last year way more than being fed. I had to go internal for a minute and recharge. This blog is important to me and I do a lot of processing here, but lately my mind has been jumbled and the words simply would not take form. But I am returned and ready to share with you…….
So how do I define “Home”? Is it a place where I reside? Is it a feeling? Is It a community? Is it family? Do I even have one? Can I have one? Do I want one?
When I lost the house I lived in, raised my son, had so memories in, I lost my home. And I have not found it since. The last 2+ years I live in a nice apartment very comfortably. It is not home to me. It has given me many things, safety, time to re balance, a place of non attachment, a place of little responsibility. It has been a resting stop and for that I am grateful. The apartment is attached to a home and the owners have put the entire place up for sale. So for me, that means a change, again.
Here is what I know, I cannot re create the past. When I think of home I remember my house, my son, my sister, holidays, our pets, my friends, parties. So many memories I cannot begin to list them. But that is what they are, memories.And I kinda get it, that for me, home is memories, making memories. You can’t buy that, you can’t move into that, you have to live it.
A long time ago a man asked me “where do you stay?” It took me by surprise and I said “well I have a home, I stay there”. But now I understand because lately this is where I stay. I complain that friends and family don’t come here, don’t stop by, but the truth is, I don’t ask them. I have not wanted to make this my home. I have been resistant to letting go and moving forward. I have put all kinds of blocks up and made this into both a refuge and a place of isolation. So while one has served me, the other has saddened me.
Is home a person? Sometimes with friends it feels like coming home. You share laughter and tears. But home cannot be one person, it is bigger than that. We are bigger than that. Our lives are so big and complex. There are too many pieces to call one thing home. I find home in my friends, my family and my community. I hope they find that in me. Because feeling at home, safe, comfortable and loved, there is nothing on earth that can touch that. You cannot shrink that down to fit inside walls.
When I moved in here I was wounded and reeling from the circumstances surrounding me. But much of that has healed and I am ready for more. I simply have to decide what that is and manifest it. And what I want is wholeness within the place I live. I want peace, I want the sounds of nature, I want the feeling of love, especially self love, in my home. But I also want the world to come by and share my home with me. I want memories, I want welcoming, I want ease and grace. I think that is what I really want, ease and grace. And so all of those I shall now have. I am ready for them.
Because home is not one place. It is not that simple. What I am seeing is that my life, the wholeness of my life is my home. I am my home. Wherever I go, I take my memories with me, I take my sense of peace with me, I take my laughter with me, I take love wherever I go. So I can never ever be without a home. It will look different at different times in my life. And it is up to me to create whatever kind of space I need at that moment.
So whether I stay here or move on is unknown. I am available and ready for the Universe to send my Good. And some pieces of it have already arrived. There is comfort and peace in knowing that there is no struggle, there is no worry, all good comes my way, ease and grace is mine to enjoy.
“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”
― Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye
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