Tag Archives: Strength

challenges, Daily Life, daily practice, Growth, Honesty, Inspiration, Self

Flexing my Spiritual Muscle

It seems like there are 2 types of people around me these days.  Like minded and challenging. Sometimes (often) they are one in the same.  Human’s are complex, when I am in agreement in one area I can be polar opposite in another. It is those opposites that strengthen.

When I am in class, in church, among like minded friends I feel loved and supported.  I feel like my beliefs are solid, I can expand them.  I learn how to deepen my faith and my core beliefs.  There is no challenge, I hear thoughts and comments that support the path I am on.  And this is good for me, it is a safe place to grow.

But then I go out into the world. And that is where I get stronger.  Because the world does not necessarily agree with me.  I am constantly challenged by different belief systems.  Some of those challenges come from people who I love and respect.  This is where I step up or step out. Can I stand in my truth and not be afraid to share that?

It is pretty easy to take an anonymous stand.  It is pretty easy to say some headline news story is horrible.  We can mostly be in agreement when comes to global disasters, we can all be aghast at kidnappings, human slavery, famine.  This is when we are wonderful as humans who come together for a common good cause.

But when it comes down to individual beliefs we are different.  I was talking to a friend the other day and he was on a little rant against one of the recent police/black deaths that seem to prevalent these days.  We stand on opposite sides of this.  I didn’t want to argue, I didn’t want to have separation between us.  But I couldn’t agree and feel good within myself.  So I simply said “I have to believe that in the end Love will win”.  And there we found a common ground.

I have another friend who I love dearly.  We have common beliefs but we veer away on others.  There was a post the other day I disagreed with.  I tried all day to avoid it.  But I couldn’t let it go.  For me, if I stayed quiet, then I was complicit. I had to speak up, I tried so hard to be respectful.  I was not trying to change them. But I have to be willing to stand behind my beliefs.

And that is where I strengthen my muscles.  It is in the trenches I get stronger.  I believe in being kind.  I say it, I post it.  I’m all about kindness.  What about when it is not easy?  Can I still be kind?  When I am in line at the grocers and your baby is crying and annoying me…can I still be kind?  Can I see you are tired and simply trying to get home to feed the baby.  Can I just see the humanness and be kind?  When you cut me off in traffic can I bless you instead of flipping you off?  Can I see you as distracted or hurried rather than arrogant? When you snub me in the hallway at work, can I smile anyway?  Can I know a bigger truth about you, and not see you as rude?

Those are some simple daily actions that strengthen my muscles.  Life is the classroom.  Life is where I do the work.  Life is where I put into practice all of the beliefs that develop when supported by like minded people.  So my challenges are my greatest blessings.  They show where I have growing to do. I can meditate till the cows come home, but if I am rude to someone, feel anger, or impatience then I have more work to do. If I am afraid you won’t love me if I disagree or stand up for my beliefs, I have work to do.  And I am not going to see that in my little bubble of bliss.  I have to go out in the world and flex my muscles.

So thank you world, for making me strong. Thank you challenges for letting me see where I have work to do.  Thank you humans for showing me I truly believe my talk and am willing to walk it.  Thank you like minded people for giving me a safe place to grow.  Thank you Universal Spirit for this amazingly complex classroom we call life.

Namaste

Standard
Daily Life, family, Growth, Inspiration, Love, Relationships, Self

Becoming My Own Example

So I think I am becoming my own example.  Today my grandmother is pressing on my mind.  I am thinking of her passing and the influence she had on me.  My grandmother (Maxine) was really really alive every day.  She lived until 94, every day celebrating being alive. And she has been such an inspiration to me.  She lived all alone the last 20 years, but was never lonely.  She had an active social life, church life and family life.  She never quit, ever. She told me, don’t stop. Be thirsty, be honest but caring. Grandma had her nose in everything, she was curious and loved to laugh.  She did not let life get her down, she kept going.

And then I thought of my mom who passed 3 years ago, and all the inspiration she gave me.  She was bold, fierce.  She took crap from no one. Honestly my mom had other issues and ended up allowing her demons to push away many friends and family that loved her.  But the parts that inspired me, she would fight for what she loved. She never let anyone tell her what to do. She was artistic, flamboyant and in your face.  She loved strongly.  She was amazing.

My dad’s mom, Grandma Stell  passed away more than 20 years ago.  She had a laughter to her life.  She always wanted to have fun.  She was southern to the core and sweet tea was always in the house.  She would take 3 different artificial Christmas trees, make them into one and called it  “pretty”. Married multiple times, again a woman who never gave up.   She loved hard, she loved me, she loved my dad. Oh my gosh, she would defend her family,

So all of these women who have loved and raised me are passed now.  And I am a mix of all of them.  All of their examples, all of their lessons have found their way into me.  Everyone of them was strong and stood on her own in her own way.  I realize that I do not have to be Mom, or Little Grandma, or Grandma Stell, I get to be Sandy.  And that takes nothing from them.  They did not live in another’s shadow but shone their own light.  I shine my own light, I beat my own drum.  I take the best from all, and become my own example.  I become my own inspiration.

All of these women lived and died a simple life.  None of them became famous, none of them left a mark beyond their own family, friends and lives.  No one wrote a book,  they were not politicians or great humanitarians.  100 years from we will hard pressed to find a memory, but I remember. And I am here now, and that matters.  This is how life goes on.  We lives our lives best we can.  I take all that I have been blessed with build my life.  I leave my mark on the world, be it simple or not.

So more and more I become my own example.  I live my life no one else’s.  I honor all of those women before who lived their own lives.  I see how different they were and each life was beautiful.  They made their choices, they became who they really were, no apologies. And I can do that too. I become myself, no one else. And I make no apologies.  I can see other examples, I can see the fierceness, the laughter, the lovingness, and the strength.  And instead of saying that is how I want to live, who I want to be, I can just be those qualities.  It takes nothing from those who have gone before, there is enough for everyone.  So instead of saying, this is who I want to be, I become it and say ” This is Who I Am.”

And so it is……

Standard
Change, Daily Life, Growth, life, Self, strength

The River Flows as Does Life

Yesterday I walked along a river and noting all the different ways the river flowed.  From its source to the natural end,  it goes through many different incarnations. There are calm pools, there are rapids, there are easily flowing streams, there are waterfalls, it widens, it narrows.  Sometimes it is a trickle and sometimes a flood.  There are twists and turns, over rocks, under branches. So many times life has been likened to a river, I am remembering that now.

Could we not look at the above paragraph and substitute life for river?  From the beginning of our lives we cannot see where it is going to take us.  And though we have conscious thought, choice and control within our lives we cannot always see how we got to where we are.  Life will respond to our unspoken words, our true beliefs and the thoughts we fill our minds with. So even when I say, well this is not what I wanted, is it not what I believed I could have?  Of course it is. My thoughts, my desires, my belief in what I truly can accept is what makes up the river of my life.

I think I have to have all the parts of the river to be whole.  I need the rapids. The rapids make me strong.  I can look back and say I survived that.  I survived that loss, that divorce, that growth, that disappointment.  I build emotional muscle when I run the rapids.  And the waterfalls,  they build my faith.  When I am falling with no idea how this will end, I step into faith. And trust. Let go and let God, or let Life, however you look it.  These are the waterfalls of my life.  This is when I stand up and know whatever happens I can survive.  The rapids have made strong and faith takes me though it.

At times the river is narrow and twisty.  I can only see a small piece of my world.  Perhaps I am focused on one area.  Usually there are rocks underneath and branches above.   At those times my world feels shrunken and tight. I have to work hard to move through it. Maybe there are dangers, things I need to raise my attention to.  These are the times I step carefully, working my way to smoother waters.

At times in narrowness the river dries.  Never completely empty, but pooled and stagnant.  These times are dark.  In those moments of life, it is easy to get stuck. It is muddy and I get bogged down. I feel the stillness instead of movement. In those times I learn what I really want and need in my life. And I call to it, I reach out.  This stretch of the river teaches me patience and strengthens my faith. To know I will make it out of the muck, to know there is movement beyond this moment, this time. Life always returns, and me with it.

There are pools in the river, places to rest.  These times give me peace, and serenity.  To know that I will be back in the river, but for this moment, I get to rest.  I get to be still.  I get to stop look around and make a choice.  For me this is a time of reflection, a deepening. Even though the movement of the river takes me forward,  the pool gives me a moment to breathe and reflect.  I need that in my life to keep my direction.

The tinkling brook, the sounds of the water flowing freely over the rocks.  There is joy, there is ease. It is a busy time, with much movement in my life. I think this part of my life is one of my favorite times.  I feel alive, engaged, happy.  Yes there is work, but in the way that frees me to move forward.  The river sparkles with light, and I sparkle with life.

Sometimes the river is wide and calm and peaceful.  I move from the busy brook to wide river knowing my soul needs rest. I feel full during these times.  I am reaping my harvest from the busy times. I am moving forward, but a pace that affords me rest.  These times fill me with expansiveness and love.  I feel the breadth of my life.  I see my rewards, I feel my peace.  My soul cries out for these times.  To rest, rejuvenate,  and gather myself for the next  piece of the river.

Because I need all of the pieces of the river.  Just as the river is not whole without each facet, neither am I. I am a sparkly brook, a wide peaceful stream.  I am also a waterfall, a rapid and a pool.  All of this makes up the fabric of my life.  Each pieces teaches something about myself.  Each piece brings its own gift.  Each piece makes me whole. And wholeness, well that is Life.  So I am going to love each and every moment of the river. I am going to love the rapids, the falls, the mud, just as much as I love the sparkling brook,  the deep pools and the wideness of my life. It is all me,  this river of my life.  A crazy, twisted, calm, wide, narrow, sparkling ride.  I wish you safe journey down your river, see you at the end.

Check out our  Facebook page Edge of An Angel

Standard
Daily Life, family, Inspiration, Spirit, strength

My Grandma is Amazing

I am so inspired by my grandmother.  Today I watched something amazing.  A little background, my grandma will be 95 in June.  She has lived alone since my grandfather died 20 years ago.  She is tiny, shrunken down to 4’6″ now, maybe 100 pounds. She has always worked, as long as I can remember, She worked when my mom was a child.  Grandma has always held an outside job. She was never the traditional stay at home mom. Up until this last year she was still working, 3 days a week at the Senior Center. She is active in her church and her women’s group.  She has a ton of friends and more of a social life than I do.

But things have not been easy.  She is oldest of 6 siblings and they have all passed away now.  Many many of her friends have passed.  Her husband is gone, her daughter, her beloved son in law and so on. She has watched one person after another leave and she is still here. She has this amazing will.

And today I got to see it in action. Because now she is in a convalescent/rehabilitation hospital.  And she is fighting to get well enough to go home. She is not giving up.  This little tiny ball of fire will not give up.  There are medical things going on she cannot fix.  She has heart failure and water retention.  She is on oxygen.  And still she moves forward.  I watched her today on a walker go up and down the hall with her therapist. She wants to get better.  She is working hard at therapy, trying to prove she can be well enough to go home.  And if anyone can do this, grandma can. I am rooting for her.

And amazingly she is making progress.  They are working her off the oxygen, her swelling is there but better.  And her mind, oh my gosh, she is sharp. She sees everything, she knows everyone and their life stories now.  She is engaged in life, in the midst of struggle, in the midst of a place that is sad, that most people fade away in, she shines.  And I am blown away.  I have known her all my life, I should expect nothing less, but come on, she is 94. How do you find strength, energy and resolve at that point?

I asked her when she turned 89 what were her rules for a long life,  Here is what she told me.  Eat right, keep moving, be kind, but don’t take any malarkey. I love that.  I have it pinned up at my desk. I try to be kind, but I don’t take any malarkey.

So I have no room to complain.  I don’t get to say life is too hard, I don’t get to give up. I don’t get to check out, I don’t get to quit caring.  My life is easy.  I am blessed,  I bounce out of bed, jump in my truck, do a days work.  I am healthy, I can walk, I can think, I can see.  I get to go home at night. Maybe that is the biggest thing, I get to go home. So tomorrow when I am bitching about something, I am going to think of Lillian Maxine Hennigan in her walker working her way back home.  If you are a praying person send up one for my grandma. She is an amazing example of living life every minute you can.

Standard
Daily Life, Self

Finding My Voice (again)

I have been trying to find my voice lately, even when it goes against what someone else wants or expects. Even when what is best for me does not fall into their plan.  Even when it makes me look difficult or uncaring.  As hard as it is sometimes, I am working on saying no or speaking up when I need to.  Here are a couple of things that recently happened:

I am at my church and one of the people are having surgery soon.  So one lady decides that she will set a meal delivery rotation for the patient. Lets remember I am coming off 5 hard weeks of traveling back and forth to San Francisco to visit my sister in UCSF and Kindred Care, all the while still working full time (as much as possible) and taking care of my own personal business. So I don’t have much energy for delivering food to someone no matter how nice they are. But I am caught, I am standing there and they hand the darn clipboard to me, and I don’t say no, I sign my name.

A few days go by and the organizer call me to set up my time in the rotation. At that point I am ready to state my truth.  I told her that as soon as I signed the paper I wondered why I would do that when my plate is so very full. I said I cannot be in this rotation but would absolutely do it this Friday, and then no more. So, a little late, but I did say my truth.  Whether it slows down the handing of the clipboard making assumptions on her part, I have no idea and do not care. My part of the equation is to stand in my own truth, and whatever happens, happens.

Next scenario, going with my sister and brother in law to her DR.appt. in SF.  First I work for a few hours, then meet them at 10:30 to head to the city. I had some breakfast before we left.  I knew my sister was overestimating her strength and that this would be a hard trip for her. She had this plan that we were going to this special restaurant on the way home. So we take off and the trip down is ok.  It’s a little over 2 hours and she held up pretty well.  Then we go the Dr. office.  By now she is becoming uncomfortable and unhappy.  This hurts, that hurts, why do we have to wait so long (15 minutes), etc.  Dr. see her and gives her a good report, she is released and does not have to go back.  All of her recovery and physical therapy can be done in our town (hurray!) Now she wants to go to the hospital and visit the nurses in ICU.  Ok, we go over there, everyone is so happy to see how well she is doing.  It was all good, She perked right up, walked for them, moved her arm. Everyone was happy, I was hungry.

Now its after 4.  I have had no food since that morning.  I get hungry.  She wants to see the cafeteria in the hospital and maybe we will eat there.  Well no,  its between lunch and dinner and the selections are very minimal.  Ok, lets head back home and we will stop at her special restaurant on the way.  Well its on the other side of the freeway and we don’t know how to get back to it.  We end up in some residential area in San Rafael totally lost. Forget that, back on the freeway heading home. We hit commuter traffic all along the way.  Now its about 6 and we are an hour and half from home. Plus I have to pick up my truck and get to my house so add another half an hour, with no food in sight. Now my sister is so uncomfortable, in pain, exhausted, just not doing very well. She no longer wants food, her husband is driving eating day old donut holes because he is starving.  He would never stop though, he will just suffer.

Ok, my sister, I know you are uncomfortable, I know you hurt, I know the last thing you want is to stop for any reason.  But guess what, I need food.  I am important also.  My body is important also. My voice is important also. Its time to feed me.  I look at the clock and I know If I don’t say something I will not get anything in my stomach before 8 pm. So I say “stop at this next town, hit a drive thru, I need to put something in my stomach”.  In the big picture it only added 20 minutes to our trip. Everyone got home fine. I and my b-in law got to eat.  But you know what I struggled to put myself ahead of my wounded sister.

Do I feel good about these decisions? Yes and no.  Mostly yes, but there was no joy in placing myself ahead of either of those women.  They needed help, I have been there for them, mostly my sister. But I took the food to L and visited with her, brightening her evening. I will go visit my sister today and provide whatever help I can.

Its easy to give away our yeses.  We get to be the hero, we get to be the good one, everyone thinks we are awesome, we get praise. And that has been raining down on me a little bit lately, I don’t hate that.  But I need to have boundaries around it.  And that is up to me.  Because everyone will let you put yourself in the background and make them the most important thing around if you let them. And that is my key, what am I allowing?  And is it good for my soul? Does it feel good in my body?  If not, I need an adjustment.  Because when i get to a place where I am doing acts and resenting them or not having an open heart around it, that bad for me and also for the recipient.

So I am working on reclaiming my voice.  My sister’s crisis is over and now her future and recovery are in her hands. I can support that, but it is not mine.  What mine is my own reality, the life I have created.  I am stepping back into it wiser, stronger, smarter, and with my voice.  I will not take on what is not good for me.  I will not sacrifice my health and happiness without having an open heart around that. I will speak up, I will say no, I will voice my opinions, I will take care of myself.  I will know every single day that my life is of equal value and I will celebrate that.  Having love and compassion for myself and others I am ready to get back to my world.

Standard
Daily Life, Self

Male Energy, Female Energy, Can I have both?

I have been running too much male energy lately. My sister, who is like the other piece of me, has been in the hospital.  A serious condition.  She was in ICU for a month and then a rehabilitation hospital for physical therapy.  Today myself and her husband are headed to San Francisco to bring her home.  Its about 2 1/2 hour drive each way.  I have made a dozen of those trips in the last month. So that is kind of how my life has been going lately.

So, the male energy part.  I have noticed in crisis this is how I handle it.  I step up. I push through.  I don’t become emotional, I don’t fall apart, I make decisions, I am rational. In short, I am a man. Don’t get me wrong this is not about women being weak or irrational.  This is about the different sides of ourselves and how we use them.

I remember this happening when my dad died.  I looked around at my family and thought, well I am the man now. My mom was widowed, I was single, my son was a teenager, my sister was married, but her husband, well he was not stronger than me.  Same thing when my mom died.  I planned the funeral, wrote the obituary, got the lawyer, all the stuff that needed taking care of, I did it.  And now, with my sister, I have been the contact person, I have led her husband through this,. advising, listening, comforting.  I have helped him and her understand what is happening and needs to happen.  Through all of this I still go to work, I still pay my bills and take care of daily life. All this male energy.

But is this really good for me?  Not really. I don’t want to hear “oh you are so strong” I want to hear ” I know you are only faking this because no one else will step up. I know you are falling apart, let me catch you”. Because really, who catches the strong ones? No one catches us. No one sees us cry in the corner, they cannot handle our tears. It shakes their world too much. Do you think I want it this way, I don’t.  Just once,  in a crisis, I would like someone, anyone,  to handle it. Leave me to my tears, let me fall apart, catch me.

Because honestly I am weary.  This affects me physically.  I feel drained.  I have had a rash break out, a cold sore, my body is tired and my skin is dry. I am itchy. And I just want to sit and watch tv and then sleep and then sit some more. I have given up exercise, my fuel for happiness, cause I am too darn tired and I have no time

. Sitting in this male energy is not a healthy place for me.and I am trying to move back into my female side.  How do I that?  Well, I made time and energy for good sex.  That reconnects to my female side. I listen to music, but gentle loving music, female artists,  staying away from Eminem or any strong male singer.  Last week I cleaned my apartment.  I know that is a cliche, woman, cleaning, But the nesting part, making my home comfortable and inviting is very female. I cooked a couple of good meals to nurture myself.  I did my nails and got a haircut, girly stuff. I had lunch twice with girlfriends, laughing, relaxing.  I am trying to get my balance back.

Because as much as I know the value of my male energy, I need my female side to sit in front of it.  My male side has saved me more than once.  That is the side that has kept me independent, strong, outspoken and full of belief in my value. But my female side brings out a softness and comfort that is required for my daily living.  I think I have always had a little more respect for my male side, but this time things feel different. I want to learn to merge both energies into a strong, gentle, loving, self caring, independent, smart, resourceful, compassionate, sexy, funny, ballsy, passionate human being that  can run all her energies and never has to pick a side.

Standard