I have been running too much male energy lately. My sister, who is like the other piece of me, has been in the hospital. A serious condition. She was in ICU for a month and then a rehabilitation hospital for physical therapy. Today myself and her husband are headed to San Francisco to bring her home. Its about 2 1/2 hour drive each way. I have made a dozen of those trips in the last month. So that is kind of how my life has been going lately.
So, the male energy part. I have noticed in crisis this is how I handle it. I step up. I push through. I don’t become emotional, I don’t fall apart, I make decisions, I am rational. In short, I am a man. Don’t get me wrong this is not about women being weak or irrational. This is about the different sides of ourselves and how we use them.
I remember this happening when my dad died. I looked around at my family and thought, well I am the man now. My mom was widowed, I was single, my son was a teenager, my sister was married, but her husband, well he was not stronger than me. Same thing when my mom died. I planned the funeral, wrote the obituary, got the lawyer, all the stuff that needed taking care of, I did it. And now, with my sister, I have been the contact person, I have led her husband through this,. advising, listening, comforting. I have helped him and her understand what is happening and needs to happen. Through all of this I still go to work, I still pay my bills and take care of daily life. All this male energy.
But is this really good for me? Not really. I don’t want to hear “oh you are so strong” I want to hear ” I know you are only faking this because no one else will step up. I know you are falling apart, let me catch you”. Because really, who catches the strong ones? No one catches us. No one sees us cry in the corner, they cannot handle our tears. It shakes their world too much. Do you think I want it this way, I don’t. Just once, in a crisis, I would like someone, anyone, to handle it. Leave me to my tears, let me fall apart, catch me.
Because honestly I am weary. This affects me physically. I feel drained. I have had a rash break out, a cold sore, my body is tired and my skin is dry. I am itchy. And I just want to sit and watch tv and then sleep and then sit some more. I have given up exercise, my fuel for happiness, cause I am too darn tired and I have no time
. Sitting in this male energy is not a healthy place for me.and I am trying to move back into my female side. How do I that? Well, I made time and energy for good sex. That reconnects to my female side. I listen to music, but gentle loving music, female artists, staying away from Eminem or any strong male singer. Last week I cleaned my apartment. I know that is a cliche, woman, cleaning, But the nesting part, making my home comfortable and inviting is very female. I cooked a couple of good meals to nurture myself. I did my nails and got a haircut, girly stuff. I had lunch twice with girlfriends, laughing, relaxing. I am trying to get my balance back.
Because as much as I know the value of my male energy, I need my female side to sit in front of it. My male side has saved me more than once. That is the side that has kept me independent, strong, outspoken and full of belief in my value. But my female side brings out a softness and comfort that is required for my daily living. I think I have always had a little more respect for my male side, but this time things feel different. I want to learn to merge both energies into a strong, gentle, loving, self caring, independent, smart, resourceful, compassionate, sexy, funny, ballsy, passionate human being that can run all her energies and never has to pick a side.