Change, Daily Life, friendship, Gratitude, Inspiration, Love, Relationships, Spirit

Each Day is a Blessing

Yesterday I was blessed with a day I was not sure would ever come again. For years my sister and I have spent a day during the holiday season going out in the community and taking part in all it has to offer. Craft sales, bazaars, trolley rides, music, lights, truck parade. It has been “our” day. And it so easily could have been lost. For us, we had a real crisis visit us late last summer.  I watched her struggle to live, to talk, to walk, to come home, to understand what had happened, to rebuild her life, to regain joy, trust in the future and her foothold in the world. And none of us knew then, or even know now, where all of this eventually will end up.

But this is what I know today, yesterday I was blessed.  I spent the day in joy, i2014-12-06 18.02.07n love, in peace, in laughter, in song, In happiness. Here we are last night at the lighted truck parade (she is the blonde), a moment we were not   guaranteed to ever have again. Because there are no guarantees, and I really get that now.                                                                                                                                                                                        We have this moment, this day, right now as it is.  Do not let it slip by without some appreciation, some thankfulness.  It is the small things we will miss when life takes a different road.  The voice, the sound of laughter, the sharing of “our song”, someone saying “mom, or dad”. The shared meals, the easiness of simply loving someone and sharing life.

The lesson that comes up for me over and over is be grateful for today. Be grateful for this moment. Be grateful for the simple things.  Wake up and say “Thank you for today”.  Show compassion, people are struggling with hidden pain, sorrow and fear.  We are all human, we come from the same Stuff.  It is easy to give someone a smile, maybe that smile can change their day.  Maybe it is what they need to not give up. Be kind, show how much I care.  Be loving, don’t pass up the chance to give a hug or say I love you.

One thing I knew when my sister was in the hospital was that she knew how much she was loved by me. If the worst had happened I would not have had regrets on our relationship. But I can’t say that about everyone.  It is easy to get get caught up in the day, the week, or month.  Time goes by really fast so make each day, each moment count.  Reach out, don’t let people you love slip away.  In today’s world it easy to connect.  Yes, I would rather hear my son’s voice and feel his hug, but a text from him that says “I love you” feels so darn good. We have no excuse to be disconnected.  All the modern technology makes it easy.

So my yesterday was a gift. But so is today.  I cannot sit in yesterday, whether it was amazing or trying, it is over and the lesson mine to keep.  So I take that lesson and I move in today, with all of its unknown.  I have no idea where the day will take me.  It could a normal day to be grateful for, there could be unknown adventures and lessons waiting me.  It is important to treasure it and it all it brings. Be they lessons, delights, simple pleasures or adventures, the day awaits.  I will not waste it, because this I know, Time is precious, life is precious, I am precious and the Universe is ready, willing and available for me to join in and dance.

Daily Life, Gratitude, Inspiration, Relationships, Self, Spirit

What am I Spending my Time On?

How are you spending your time? How am I spending my time? I have been learning lessons along the way from sister while she goes through her rehabilitation to regain her life. I am her greatest supporter and cheerleader.  I also watch her carefully for bumps in the road that she might not see coming. She is in the thick of it and I am outside so I have a different perspective. And what I know is her resources, both physical and mental, are limited. And how she uses her resources (energy, time, thoughts, habits) are going to determine the quality of her life to come.

So I say to her ” I know you are not hungry, but when you do eat make sure the food is healthy and good for you.”  ” I know you get tired, so spend your time on things that feed your soul, that make you happy.”  ” I know your mind can only absorb so much right now, so don’t take in information that will not help you heal and recover”.  And we work on that, making sure she uses her resources in a way that will support her recovery.

We all need to do this. I need to do this.  I have been down this road myself but my sister has reminded how important it is. How am I spending my time, and what am spending it on?  Does it make life better, does it make me happier, have more joy, more love, more peace, more growth?  And if does not, why am I doing it?  I don’t have to be in crisis to spend my time wisely and mindfully.

I know I have to go to work everyday to support myself.  I know that every day at work is not awesome. But I can still be awesome.  I don’t have to let my surroundings define me. It is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of stress and gossip that pervade my work place. But that is not me, and I can have a boundary around that.  And I actually do. Occasionally I slip into it. But I have to tell you I slip out it pretty fast.  I know that is not who I am. I know my basic purpose for being at work is financial. It enables me to live my life freely and without obligation.  But beyond I also know my purpose where ever I am is to be a loving presence. So yes, even though I spend 40 hours a week in an office and all that goes with that, it is my choice and a decision I have freely made.  I do not let my workplace define me.

So beyond the work week everything is my choice. I always can say yes or no. But I also know if something shows up in my life on some level I have invited that. Even if it is not comfortable or pretty or easy, it is still my lesson.  I can learn it now or it will just come back later.  The older I am the more I take the lesson now. Why not, I have to learn it to move forward.

And the older I am the more I know what I do not want in my life. I don’t want drama, I don’t want gossip, I don’t want negativity, I don’t want anger, I don’t want to be around people that will use me, I don’t want hatred.  And I don’t have much of that around me.  I see it, I read about it, I overhear it, but it does not come into my space very much. And I think that is because I have worked hard for the last few years on defining exactly what I do want in my life and spending my time watering those seeds.

So my life is good, I spend time making sure it stays that way. I spend time on things that feed my soul. I read inspirational writings, I spend time in nature, I spend time at church, I spend time with those I love, I spend time in prayer, I spend time in music,  I spend time in creating a safe haven to come home to. I spend time in my community. I make sure my family and friends know I love them.  I listen to them, I share with them. I also spend time on junk tv and on dirty jokes with my girlfriends. I spend time going to lunch or dinner, enjoying what world has to offer. I spend as much time as I can in laughter. I spend time taking photos of whatever moves my soul. I spend my time moving my body whether exercise, sex or a walk in nature. I enjoy my body, I feed it. I let it sing, I let dance, I let it live.

And that is what I spend my time on. And each of those things are choices I make day in and day out. I choose to spend my time on things that feed my soul.  I hope you do too. Life is fast and can change on a dime.  Don’t waste your minutes because they become your hours, and that becomes your life. Everyday you get to choose where you spend your time.

Daily Life, Self

Male Energy, Female Energy, Can I have both?

I have been running too much male energy lately. My sister, who is like the other piece of me, has been in the hospital.  A serious condition.  She was in ICU for a month and then a rehabilitation hospital for physical therapy.  Today myself and her husband are headed to San Francisco to bring her home.  Its about 2 1/2 hour drive each way.  I have made a dozen of those trips in the last month. So that is kind of how my life has been going lately.

So, the male energy part.  I have noticed in crisis this is how I handle it.  I step up. I push through.  I don’t become emotional, I don’t fall apart, I make decisions, I am rational. In short, I am a man. Don’t get me wrong this is not about women being weak or irrational.  This is about the different sides of ourselves and how we use them.

I remember this happening when my dad died.  I looked around at my family and thought, well I am the man now. My mom was widowed, I was single, my son was a teenager, my sister was married, but her husband, well he was not stronger than me.  Same thing when my mom died.  I planned the funeral, wrote the obituary, got the lawyer, all the stuff that needed taking care of, I did it.  And now, with my sister, I have been the contact person, I have led her husband through this,. advising, listening, comforting.  I have helped him and her understand what is happening and needs to happen.  Through all of this I still go to work, I still pay my bills and take care of daily life. All this male energy.

But is this really good for me?  Not really. I don’t want to hear “oh you are so strong” I want to hear ” I know you are only faking this because no one else will step up. I know you are falling apart, let me catch you”. Because really, who catches the strong ones? No one catches us. No one sees us cry in the corner, they cannot handle our tears. It shakes their world too much. Do you think I want it this way, I don’t.  Just once,  in a crisis, I would like someone, anyone,  to handle it. Leave me to my tears, let me fall apart, catch me.

Because honestly I am weary.  This affects me physically.  I feel drained.  I have had a rash break out, a cold sore, my body is tired and my skin is dry. I am itchy. And I just want to sit and watch tv and then sleep and then sit some more. I have given up exercise, my fuel for happiness, cause I am too darn tired and I have no time

. Sitting in this male energy is not a healthy place for me.and I am trying to move back into my female side.  How do I that?  Well, I made time and energy for good sex.  That reconnects to my female side. I listen to music, but gentle loving music, female artists,  staying away from Eminem or any strong male singer.  Last week I cleaned my apartment.  I know that is a cliche, woman, cleaning, But the nesting part, making my home comfortable and inviting is very female. I cooked a couple of good meals to nurture myself.  I did my nails and got a haircut, girly stuff. I had lunch twice with girlfriends, laughing, relaxing.  I am trying to get my balance back.

Because as much as I know the value of my male energy, I need my female side to sit in front of it.  My male side has saved me more than once.  That is the side that has kept me independent, strong, outspoken and full of belief in my value. But my female side brings out a softness and comfort that is required for my daily living.  I think I have always had a little more respect for my male side, but this time things feel different. I want to learn to merge both energies into a strong, gentle, loving, self caring, independent, smart, resourceful, compassionate, sexy, funny, ballsy, passionate human being that  can run all her energies and never has to pick a side.