Daily Life

You Don’t Get to Decide how I Feel

Did someone ever make a decision on how they think you feel and then proclaim that to be a fact? This has happened to me a couple of times lately. And it is kind of making me stand up and say no.

First case is a man I am having some sort of a relationship with. I say some sort because I cannot really define it, and that is part of the problem. So he says ” I know you are annoyed by the situation”. What?? No I am not annoyed, I never said I was annoyed, I did not act annoyed that I am aware of. I am confused. I have said repeatedly, I am confused, I am unclear, I do not have clarity, I would like to talk about this so I would be less confused…..over and over again. But somewhere off in his world he decides I am annoyed. Why, because that is easier for him. Annoyance, anger, dislike he can brush off, feel defensive, feel justified in not talking, whatever, it is easier. Because my confusion involves talking, clarity, honesty, sharing and that he does not want to deal with. So he decides in his own mind how I feel and then that becomes a fact for him. Even though it is not true. Of course I cleared that up with him. You do not get to decide how I feel and then make it a truth when it is not.

Next case today, a co worker. She inserted herself in a situation with me and another person that she had no business being involved in. I was trying to take care of something and somehow it became 3 people talking and her viewpoint was not mine. I did not back down, I did not agree with her and I stood my place strongly. So then I receive an email that starts out “I am sorry I upset you”. No, you do not have the power to upset me. I respond to the email staying professional and only addressing the issues that were being discussed and not becoming personal. Her response started and ended again with ” sorry you were upset”. Ok, I have had enough. Instead of playing email tag I go straight to her office and state “I am not upset, I am frustrated”. And then proceeded to outline the very valid reasons for my frustration. I said again “I am not upset, and I do not want you to think that I am.”. So I think in this case it is again about power, “oh I upset her, poor thing, well I will apologize”. I never said I was upset, I was not emotional. How dare you dismiss my sense of self by deciding how I feel. Not today, I am not playing your game.

So how often do people do this to us? And why do we let it happen? Is it easier? Do we think maybe they are right? I have to tell you, when we let people tell us who we are and how we feel we give away our souls, we give away our power, we lay down. Not OK. I think it is always about control. Someone else telling me how I feel to gain control over me. I become the puppet and they the master. And I let it happen.

I am over that. Honestly I might not be making any friends with this one, but I am ok with that. First friend is myself. And anyone who wants to pull my strings in any situation is not trying to have an honest relationship. Every person I meet does not have to be my friend, my confidante or even my buddy. I can have casual friendships, casual encounters, I can even be casual within my family. So I do not feel the need to fix each bump in the road among the people in my life. What I feel the need for is to be aware of people trying to play me, trying to define me and not let them. I decide what my truth is, no one else and my job is communicate that truth with respect and stand firm.

The flip is I need to be careful of defining others. We all play the game on both sides. I interpret how I think someone feels based on my mirror, what works for me. How it applies to me. I have to stop that. I cannot assume I know, I have to ask. And that also is my job. To be aware, to not assume, to not label or identify, but to ask and listen and hear. We know what we give, we receive back. So the path to being seen as I truly am is to start seeing others as they truly are. They get to decide that, not me. Maybe from there we can start to see each other as truly magnificent humans with minds, feelings and souls that belong solely to ourselves.


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