Every single time I ignore the voice inside I regret it. How many times have I felt “something is wrong, this is off, this doesn’t feel right” but I push forward anyway ignoring the voice.
So I have spent the last year trying to make a relationship into something that it is not. And I knew it the whole time. Why??? What a waste of time and energy. What a waste of my mind and my thoughts. What a waste of my emotions. All of things could have been going to a place where they were wanted and celebrated. But no, I had to be right. I had decided this was going to play out a certain way and hell or high water I could not let go. Even though I knew it was a lost cause. My inner voice has been screaming at me, let it go, and I would not.
I think there were a few reasons for this. This was long distance so at first it was safe, I thought I would never meet him and surely nothing could be so important between us that he or I would change our lives for it. I had been out of the relationship groove for about 2 years and this felt like a good way to jump back in. You know, I could still be single but dip my feet in the water so to speak. So he was the first to wake me up in awhile. With all that has happened in my life the prior 2 years I was kind of locked up inside, and he had keys. And it felt good to be wanted and courted. And my heart started beating again, and I got a little bit lost in him. And then everything changed.
Reason 2, I asked the Universe to send me love. I said to the Universe your choice. Send me what I need. Send me my good. I tried to be open to something different. To break the pattern of my prior choices and be open to whatever the Universe decided was right for me. Color did not matter (well it never did), age, location, body type, religion, social beliefs, I was trying to be open for anything. I was trying to not place conditions on who I would love. So the Universe sends this totally different guy from a culture I am not familiar with, lives far away, different religious beliefs, different social beliefs, a body type I would not normally go for , different health habits and I said ok, I will try. And try I did. And it was exhausting.
Because over and over the past 6 months I have thought, this is not right.This does not feel right. You should not have to try so hard, it should be more natural, come easier. I knew this in my heart and in my head and I kept trying. I kept trying beyond what was emotionally healthy for me. I was becoming less, not more. His circumstances, his life, his conditions, desires, thoughts, they all took center stage. And here I am the supporting cast. I cannot live this way. I need balance, I need my life to be just as important as my partners. Not more, but certainly not less. I find that I give that up men way to easy (early training), So I push the envelope with him. Not let him avoid me, ignore me, conveniently forget me. All those things that are so easy to do long distance.
.And I become someone I do not want to be. I do not want to beg for attention. Oh my gosh there are plenty of people who actually love me and want to spend time with me. I do not need crumbs. Why would I not listen to that voice months ago that said get out, there is nothing for you here. I don’t know. I still had lessons to learn but even that is not the real issue. I think this goes back to always putting others first even to my detriment. And that is something I need to explore more, on a different day.
Because today, I am free of him. I said the things that were important to me like “don’t tell me you are too busy, if someone is important to you, you make time for them.” LIke, ” part of me knows it is not about your circumstances, those are excuses.” :Like” most of our relationship has been about you, and very little about me, do you even know my son’s name?” All of this was through texting as he cannot seem to have a conversation even over the phone. So then I said let’s be done. Don’t call, don’t text, no Facebook, no Instagram, And I don’t want to be friends. I cannot go backwards with people. Yes, he wants to say we are friends, but his idea of friends is too strange for me. Its all on his terms and all about him. My friends talk to me, they care about me personally, not just me as I relate to them. I am trying not to think he is a selfish ass, but maybe he is.
So I am not sure of the lesson in all this. I think and hope we are truly done. We have been back and forth a couple of times already but it feels like more this time. I am exhausted from this, I am drained and I have nothing more to give. The only way it could recover is if he decided to step up and pour some love and energy my way and I do not see that happening. And even though part of me wants that, I know it would just be a temporary fix to something that has no solid ground under it.
So let it go………. Find the lesson, move forward, ask the Universe once again, send me love, but let me listen to the voice inside sooner rather than later.
Love, light, light, peace, power, beauty, joy