Author Archives: edgeofanangel

Daily Life, Relationships

Ignoring the Voice Inside

Every single time I ignore the voice inside I regret it.  How many times have I felt “something is wrong, this is off, this doesn’t feel right” but I push forward anyway ignoring the voice.  

So I have spent the last year trying to make a relationship into something that it is not.  And I knew it the whole time. Why??? What a waste of time and energy.  What a waste of my mind and my thoughts. What a waste of my emotions.  All of things could have been going to a place where they were wanted and celebrated. But no, I had to be right.  I had decided this was going to play out a certain way and hell or high water I could not let go.  Even though I knew it was a lost cause. My inner voice has been screaming at me, let it go, and I would not. 

I think there were a few reasons for this.  This was long distance so at first it was safe, I thought I would never meet him and surely nothing could be  so important between us that he or I would change our lives for it. I had been out of the relationship groove for about 2 years and this felt like a good way to jump back in. You know, I could still be single but dip my feet in the water so to speak. So he was the first to wake me up in awhile.  With all that has happened in my life the prior 2 years I was kind of locked up inside, and he had keys. And it felt good to be wanted and courted.  And my heart started beating again, and I got a little bit lost in him. And then everything changed. 

Reason 2, I asked the Universe to send me love.  I said to the Universe your choice.  Send me what I need.  Send me my good.  I tried to be open to something different.  To break the pattern of my prior choices and be open to whatever the Universe decided was right for me.  Color did not matter (well it never did), age, location, body type,  religion, social beliefs, I was trying to be open for anything.  I was trying to not place conditions on who I would love.  So the Universe sends this totally different guy from a culture I am not familiar with, lives far away, different religious beliefs,  different social beliefs, a  body type I would not normally go for , different health habits and I said ok, I will try. And try I did. And it was exhausting. 

Because over and over the past 6 months I have thought, this is not right.This does not feel right.  You should not have to try so hard, it should be more natural, come easier. I knew this in my heart and in my head and I kept trying.  I kept trying beyond what was emotionally healthy for me.  I was becoming less, not more.  His circumstances, his life, his conditions, desires, thoughts, they all took center stage.  And here I am the supporting cast.  I cannot live this way. I need balance, I need my life to be just as important as my partners. Not more, but certainly not less. I find that I give that up men way to easy (early training),  So I push the envelope with him. Not let him avoid me, ignore me, conveniently forget me.  All those things that are so easy to do long distance.

.And I become someone I do not want to be. I do not want to beg for attention. Oh my gosh there are plenty of people who actually love me and want to spend time with me. I do not need crumbs. Why would I not listen to that voice months ago that said get out, there is nothing for you here. I don’t know.  I still had lessons to learn but even that is not the real issue. I think this goes back to always putting others first even to my detriment. And that is something I need to explore more, on a different day.

Because today, I am free of him. I said the things that were important to me like “don’t tell me you are too busy, if someone is important to you, you make time for them.” LIke, ” part of me knows it is not about your circumstances, those are excuses.”  :Like” most of our relationship has been about you, and very little about me, do you even know my son’s name?” All of this was through texting as he cannot seem to have a conversation even over the phone. So then  I said let’s be done. Don’t call, don’t text, no Facebook, no Instagram, And I don’t want to be friends. I cannot go backwards with people.  Yes, he wants to say we are friends, but his idea of friends is too strange for me. Its all on his terms and all about him.  My friends talk to me, they care about me personally, not just me as I relate to them. I am trying not to think he is a selfish ass, but maybe he is.

So I am not sure of the lesson in all this.  I think and hope we are truly done.  We have been back and forth a couple of times already but it feels like more this time. I am exhausted from this, I am drained and I have nothing more to give. The only way it could recover is if he decided to step up and pour some love and energy my way and I do not see that happening. And even though part of me wants that, I know it would just be a temporary fix to something that has no solid ground under it.  

So let it go……….  Find the lesson, move forward, ask the Universe once again, send me love, but let me listen to the voice inside sooner rather than later.

Love, light, light, peace, power, beauty, joy

Standard
Daily Life, Relationships

The Courage of Being Vulnerable

vulnerbility

Being vulnerable, not something I have really aspired to. It takes an extreme circumstance for me to show that I am vulnerable. I am pretty sure that goes way back to childhood. As I think back vulnerability was not encouraged. I learned to hide my feelings, I learned that you have to be strong. How many times did my mom say “tears mean nothing to me”, countless. Until tears became a weakness, a lessening of myself. There were a lot of masks in my house growing up. And certainly you never show your weakness, your vulnerability, your real feelings. Because someone could use them against you. These were lessons I learned as a girl. And I have carried those lessons right into my adulthood.

I know my mom had reasons that went back to her childhood for feeling this way. Good reasons that helped her survive a violent and scary family dynamic. Mom was only teaching us what she learned and how she survived. She did not ever want her daughters to be vulnerable to abuse or being used by the world. She taught us the only way she knew how. I understand that now.

But I am grown now and I can make changes in how I relate to the world. I can change how I see things. I can be different. I have come to see that being vulnerable takes enormous courage. I have to put myself out there. I have to say the truth about myself, how I feel, how I don’t feel, what I want, what is unacceptable. And then I have to wait for the response. Many times I do not receive back what I have put out. I get rejected, maybe laughed at, maybe felt sorry for.

If I say I love, but you don’t love me back, then what? If I tell you I am scared but you only portray yourself as strong do I feel less than? If I share how much I struggle to make it financially in this world is that something you can understand and relate to? If I say I am sad and lonely, can you feel that, or are you always happy and filled with the busyness of family and friends? Am I all alone in this?

Can I take those chances, would you understand? That is courage, to show the truth of yourself. It is not weakness, it is strength beyond strength. When I am honest and it falls on deaf ears the honesty sits inside me like a stone. Yes I want to always share my love, joy, light but I need to be able to show the fears, the anger, the loneliness to be balanced, to be whole.

Each time I don’t get the response; each time I see the glazed look on your face, or feel your silence reacting to my words I know that you are just not ready, or willing, to handle the rawness. But I can’t settle for anything less. I have enough superficial relationships in my life. I refuse to be halfway with those I love. There is a saying “If you cannot handle at my worst, you do not deserve me at my best”.

So I am going to keep going out on a limb, showing my vulnerability to those I should be safe with. No more covering up fear, or sadness. No more pretending not to have feelings just in case they don’t feel the same. No more playing the game of you show me yours first. I don’t want to live with a shell of protection around me. Yes it protects from those who might harm but it also keeps out love, honesty and grace. I am old enough and smart enough to be discerning in who I let in. And I trust myself…and I am learning to trust you.

Standard
Daily Life

You Don’t Get to Decide how I Feel

Did someone ever make a decision on how they think you feel and then proclaim that to be a fact? This has happened to me a couple of times lately. And it is kind of making me stand up and say no.

First case is a man I am having some sort of a relationship with. I say some sort because I cannot really define it, and that is part of the problem. So he says ” I know you are annoyed by the situation”. What?? No I am not annoyed, I never said I was annoyed, I did not act annoyed that I am aware of. I am confused. I have said repeatedly, I am confused, I am unclear, I do not have clarity, I would like to talk about this so I would be less confused…..over and over again. But somewhere off in his world he decides I am annoyed. Why, because that is easier for him. Annoyance, anger, dislike he can brush off, feel defensive, feel justified in not talking, whatever, it is easier. Because my confusion involves talking, clarity, honesty, sharing and that he does not want to deal with. So he decides in his own mind how I feel and then that becomes a fact for him. Even though it is not true. Of course I cleared that up with him. You do not get to decide how I feel and then make it a truth when it is not.

Next case today, a co worker. She inserted herself in a situation with me and another person that she had no business being involved in. I was trying to take care of something and somehow it became 3 people talking and her viewpoint was not mine. I did not back down, I did not agree with her and I stood my place strongly. So then I receive an email that starts out “I am sorry I upset you”. No, you do not have the power to upset me. I respond to the email staying professional and only addressing the issues that were being discussed and not becoming personal. Her response started and ended again with ” sorry you were upset”. Ok, I have had enough. Instead of playing email tag I go straight to her office and state “I am not upset, I am frustrated”. And then proceeded to outline the very valid reasons for my frustration. I said again “I am not upset, and I do not want you to think that I am.”. So I think in this case it is again about power, “oh I upset her, poor thing, well I will apologize”. I never said I was upset, I was not emotional. How dare you dismiss my sense of self by deciding how I feel. Not today, I am not playing your game.

So how often do people do this to us? And why do we let it happen? Is it easier? Do we think maybe they are right? I have to tell you, when we let people tell us who we are and how we feel we give away our souls, we give away our power, we lay down. Not OK. I think it is always about control. Someone else telling me how I feel to gain control over me. I become the puppet and they the master. And I let it happen.

I am over that. Honestly I might not be making any friends with this one, but I am ok with that. First friend is myself. And anyone who wants to pull my strings in any situation is not trying to have an honest relationship. Every person I meet does not have to be my friend, my confidante or even my buddy. I can have casual friendships, casual encounters, I can even be casual within my family. So I do not feel the need to fix each bump in the road among the people in my life. What I feel the need for is to be aware of people trying to play me, trying to define me and not let them. I decide what my truth is, no one else and my job is communicate that truth with respect and stand firm.

The flip is I need to be careful of defining others. We all play the game on both sides. I interpret how I think someone feels based on my mirror, what works for me. How it applies to me. I have to stop that. I cannot assume I know, I have to ask. And that also is my job. To be aware, to not assume, to not label or identify, but to ask and listen and hear. We know what we give, we receive back. So the path to being seen as I truly am is to start seeing others as they truly are. They get to decide that, not me. Maybe from there we can start to see each other as truly magnificent humans with minds, feelings and souls that belong solely to ourselves.

Standard
Relationships

Truth or Love?

Truth or Love? I took one of the those little tests today on Facebook and one of the questions was ” what is most important to you?”  There was a list of 5 or 6 things but I easily discarded most of them. And then I was down to Truth or Love and all of a sudden it was not so easy.

I am all about love, so immediately I was headed to love, but truth kept nudging me.  Really, do I pick love over truth?  Is there even love without truth?  Is that love?  Can I love someone without being honest?  Is that respectful?  Does it honor the other person?  Do I want to be loved without honesty?  I think not.  Or do I?  Do we have to say every little thing?  Couldn’t we just love each other knowing that sometimes we get to not say or share every piece of our thoughts.  Is that the kinder, gentler way?

Maybe it is a chicken or the egg question.  Which comes first love or truth?  Do I have to have love for someone to trust them enough for honesty?  Does someone have to love me to feel safe enough to show their true self?  Or do I start from a place of honesty and move into love from there, being open and vulnerable?  Does another’s honesty give me the room to love them?  Does being honest and open allow another to love me, the real me?

I think of people that I love, they do not know all about me.  No one knows all the sides of me.  Is that dishonest or just me giving each person the piece of me that fits them?  I have not found the person where all my pieces fit.  I am a sister, a mother, a friend, a lover, a relation and more.  All of these roles are filled with love for another.  But they are all different and no two loves are the same.  They all love me, but differently.  Each of these wonderful past and present relationships have brought great lessons and great love.  But I would not say every relationship has been completely honest on either side.

So I want to know the truth, I do not want to be fooled, tricked and lied to. But  temper the honesty with love and compassion.  Take the route that gives us both room to breathe and room to love.  Show me the real you, I will show you me.  But you and I get to keep our very souls and our thoughts and our minds.  Those are sacred to our being and belong to only us.

Truth or love…..I choose love.  How about you?

 

Standard
Inspiration

The Sound of a Voice

The sound of a voice, no two are the same.  I can be mesmerized, angered, seduced and totally fall in love just by a voice.  A voice can soothe me, calm me, excite me,  bring me to laughter or tears.  So very powerful, our voices. Lately I have been paying more attention to the voices of the people I love.  I became caught up the other day in listening to a woman speaking to me, I really listened to her voice, to the tone, to the cadence. Her voice was deeper than I expected, more mature than I remembered.  Her voice was beautiful and uniquely her. No one else has her voice.

So I thought about voices and how they bring me home always.  The ones that have passed, I long to hear their voice.  Those sounds will never be repeated in this lifetime again.   To hear the voice of my father or mother….I don’t even have words for what that would mean. To lose the voices I have in my life now, my son, my family, my friends….unthinkable, but it happens.  Tonight I had a conversation with my grandmother.  She turned 94 last week.  I know clearly how precious my time is with her.  I listened hard to her voice, no one else can ever make those sounds, those tones, that rhythm.  Trying to memorize it, knowing someday it will be gone.

Enough sadness.  How about the joyful voices, those that are here and now and bring me such pleasure.  Each a world within itself.  A certain man calls, he has very distinctive soul in his voice.  Another calls, well he is smooth as glass.  And another, comfortable and like coming home.  Everyone special in itself.  There is no comparison, no one voice is better or worse.  They all have their magic. And my family, oh my gosh.  I can hear my son’s voice right now even though he is miles away.  Same with my sister and my friends. They call, immediately I know who it is, their voice belongs only to them. Their very souls speak out through their voice in a way only they can. 

Why are the voices special ?  Yes, they are all different but so are noses and eyes and feet.  But voices carry weight.  They convey our emotions.  A voice can lift you or knock you down.  It can fill you with love and hope.  But it can also be angry and scary. Voices are a conduit to our souls.  We have to be so very careful with our words and our tones.  Words cut quick and deep and they cannot be unsaid.  And you will always remember the voice that hurt you, just as you will remember the ones that healed you and loved you. 

I am going to soak up the voices around me.  Especially the ones that come from the people I love.  I am going to listen for laughter, song, welcome, joy, love.  I want to hear that, I want to know that.  Your voice matters, my voice matters.  We are the only ones who can create these sounds.  This is ours and it is special and it is valuable.  And what we say and the emotions we convey matter.  This is how we connect with the rest of our world.  And whether we realize it or not we impact others way more than we know.  I want to speak with love and compassion but beyond that I think its important to be honest.  And sometimes honest is not a pretty package.  Its sometimes hard to speak the truth.  But it is respectful and honorable to both myself and to whom I am speaking.  So I guess when my voice is remembered they will say she tried to speak the truth and stand in a place of love. At least I hope so.

Speak with love and sing with joy.

 

Standard
Inspiration

Our Next Breath

Our only guarantee is our next breath.  Anything beyond that is not a given.  Life can change fast.  The phone could ring, a knock on the door, a heart attack, an earthquake, a tsunami, anything. Or it could amazing…the love of my life could be the one knocking, the phone call could be a grandchild on the way, maybe win the lottery, a longed for promotion, again anything.  But life would change. So here is what we have, right now, this moment.  And how we spend is what makes up our life.

This is not intended to give the impression that we should live each moment in terror, fear or anticipation of what could happen next.  Its more to awaken ourselves to all the possibilities and very preciousness of our days.  Each time I see you could be my last, how do I want to leave that?  What things am I leaving unsaid?  What am I taking for granted? Your friendship, your love, the blue sky, my next breath?

I know I cannot live without some semblance of security and comfortableness.  To live at such a high level of intensity would defeat the very pieces of my life I find comforting, relaxing and joyful.  But what I can do is recognize everything is fluid, everything will change and appreciate the moments I am given. I can spend these moments in love, grace, humility, and gratefulness.  If I can let those features fill my moments then I will have lived a blessed life.

Inhale, exhale and live in joy…………..

Standard
Relationships

Make a New Agreement

heart in treeWe can change our minds at anytime about anything.  Last night a friend  made this simplest of statements ” I know I said yes to this, but now I am saying no”.  We were talking about attachments and at that point we were discussing relationships and the unspoken agreements we make to stay in relationships.  And how we become attached to those agreements long past their expiration date.

But the simplicity of just being able to say no.  Can I do that?  It sounds so freeing.  I don’t want to explain, I don’t want to justify, I don’t need a reason. I could just say” I know I said yes to this , but now I am saying no.”  I can  make a new agreement that better fits my needs today.  We don’t have to stay in old agreements when they no longer serve us.  Or when they did not create what we wanted in our lives.

Relationships are our greatest teachers, they hit places in us that nothing else can touch.  We show our vulnerabilities, we place ourselves positions that open us up for hurt and also great joy.  And relationships are where our agreements are the hardest to change.  From family to friends to lovers we have different agreements with everyone.  And the other player has made their own agreements.  Sometimes we get stuck and we don’t know how to change it. So we stay, we dwell in that place that no longer serves our greatest good.

Here’s the good news, we have a mantra now.  “I know I said yes to this, but now I am saying no.”  Say it to yourself, believe it and act as if it is already so.  Let’s see what happens, it will shake things up.  Create a new agreement, a better one.  The one that fits the person you are today.  Life is creation, go create.

Namaste

Standard
Relationships

Attachment 101 part II; Love

How attached am I to your view of me?  How much does that view affect my self love? And why do hold on to this attachment?  Questions in my homework tonight….

I try to hold my view and assessment of myself separate from how the world at large sees me, even how my friends see me.  But do I succeed?  Not really. I know I judge myself according to what you think.  Not all the time, not in every way but it does matter.  If you think I am good, well I feel a little better. And if you think I am bad or wrong I feel a little worse.  I can work my out of it but it is not automatic. And when its good, well I just take it, so your opinion overrides my own.  And that is not ok. My opinion should be enough.

We grow up this way.  Pleasing mommy and daddy and the teachers and our playmates.  Be nice, be kind, don’t be loud, don’t speak your mind.  There’s a good girl, we like you this way. You blend right in, society likes that.  A man will want you, a man will love you, then you will matter. We twist ourselves into something else to be loved.    No one ever told me to love myself.  A lot of people told me they loved me, but all of them had conditions around that.  They loved when… they loved me if…   they loved me because…. And I attached myself to their opinions, to be worthy of love.

I am just as guilty.  I love you because… I love you when….I love you if you love me, that is a big one.  We make that agreement with another.  Does that feel real?  At that moment yes, but at some point the masks come off.  But we do it, we all want to be loved, probably more than we want to love.  And then love becomes a commodity and we have to earn it.  And we have to dance just right to keep it.  They could take it away and then what? What’s left?

Maybe what is left is self love, where we should have started.  The love that is our birthright.  Our first love, our self.  If we love ourselves without the conditions and the judgement maybe we can be free to love others the same way.  I would like to do that.  The closest I come is my son and my sister. I simply love them. They do not have to dance for my love.  I just love them soul to soul.  Can I take that feeling and love myself?  Can I take that feeling and love another? I would like to, I am working on it.   First love myself, and then clearly, cleanly and unconditionally be able to love another.

Standard
Inspiration

Gentle on my Mind

Gentle on my mind.  The phrase is stuck inside my head these days.  The phrase comes from an old song.  I was thinking about a friend on Friday and that phrase came to mind.  There is a calmness now when I think of him. There is a sense of peace and rightness that makes him gentle on my mind.  I can tell you it has not always been this way, there has usually  some distress, some anxiety, some unsettled energy around him.  But something shifted last week, and for now, he is gentle on my mind.  And it feels good, and feels right.

I have no illusions that it will last forever.  Life does not work that way.  But for today I am enjoying the freedom from my monkey mind. I want to expand that, I want life itself to just be “gentle on my mind”.  Can I do with others, can I do that with situations?  What a beautiful phrase, a wonderful gift to give myself.  Did we lose that somewhere, the gentleness, the slower pace, the kindness?  Life became harsher, society is dog eat dog,  climb to the top, road rage.

I just want to slow the fuck down. I want more than just this one man to be gentle on my mind. I want it simple, I want it honest, I want it real. Take off the masks, quit playing the games.  I know it starts with me. And it has already begun.  I strive to be honest and real. I don’t have time for the games.  I will tell you the truth, even if my voice shakes. But I absolutely get caught up into the chaos of the world. I am learning to step back.  Last week I took time for myself.  I ended up spending hours in solitude and it was the best thing for me.  At the end of a crazy week where I struggled for peace, I found that spot where someone could be “gentle on my mind.”

May someone somewhere be Gentle on Your Mind………….

Standard
Inspiration

You are the Sky

Great quote and if you have not experienced Pema Chodron you are missing out.  Today, I am holding this thought in my mind. All the circumstances, the situations, the feelings and emotions: weather.  I am the sky. Bigger than all of that. Yesterday I let the world swirl me around a little.  I did take control and ended up where and how I needed to be.  But I had to consciously work to get there.  Today I seek ease and grace. Today I remember that all of the storms, winds and even the sun are circumstances here to show me life in all its facets.  Headed out now, to be the sky, and to observe the weather dance across my life.

Photo

Standard