Author Archives: edgeofanangel

Daily Life, Relationships, Self

Looking in the Mirrors

A new person has appeared in my life and he is bringing up sorts of mirrors for me.  This is a work situation and I have no control over how much time I have to spend around him. Its been about 6 weeks now and it is not good.  I could go on and on about him and his irritants and faults, which are real, but is not really about him is it?  So lets leave him out of this.

I don’t like who I am around him.  I tried for weeks to blame him. And to be honest and fair to myself a lot of what I am feeling is really valid.  He lies, he manipulates, he evades, I don’t have much respect for his lifestyle.  All of this is true. But really who cares, he will be gone from my life at some point, that is a given.

For whatever reason the Universe has placed him on my path.  So there must a lesson here.  Just realizing and accepting that is freeing for me. I don’t have to fix him or the situation, that is not my responsibility.  But I can learn. I can look at myself through what he shows me.  He is a mirror for me.  I can figure why he triggers such a bitch response from me.  Because I am cutting him no slack, none.  And at this point I am hyper aware of any missteps from him and I respond quickly and without mercy. I am mean. And that is not really me.

So what is this? I know a huge part of it is my response to a male trying to come in and manipulate and control me.  I do not want to work it out, I do not want to come to an understanding. I do not want to compromise, I want to win. This keeps coming up for me.  I have to deal with this.  And now the Universe has put it in my face 40 hours a week.

I like men, I love men.  One of my best friends is a man.  My lover is a man.  I am comfortable with men, I enjoy them. But as soon as I feel disrespected or manipulated or controlled the claws come out. And with women I try harder, I am softer, I look at both sides.

But this harshness in me, I don’t like it. It’s not healthy.  How can I fix this? Well I can recognize it. I can step back and slow my reactions. I can see he is just a mirror for me to work on my issues.  I don’t want to spend my time in bitterness or anger.  I have to learn to separate my sense of self from how he treats me.  I have to give up control of the situation.  If he fools everyone for awhile, well I guess that is their mirror.  I am done reacting like a puppet and he pulling the strings, taking way too much of my energy.

I don’t have to fix anyone but me.  Actually I can’t, your road is your road and my path is my own. So next week when I go to work I will try so hard to have a different mindset.  To not see him as anything but a mirror for me to learn and grow from. Perhaps I can come out of this situation with a better sense of how to handle myself when a man tries to control me.  To look at him with eyes that see a person who is probably in pain and fear and does not have the emotional tools to let down the walls.

Because really we are all just humans trying to find some love and compassion.  Some safety, understanding and connection. I am not interested in connecting past co-workers with this man, but I would like to spend my day in grace and ease.  I know that starts with me. I can control my reactions, I can control where I spend my thoughts.  It is up to me which wolf I feed.  I know it won’t be easy. I know he pushes my buttons, but my job is figure why, use the teachings around that and go out in the world open, available and with love.

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Daily Life, Inspiration, Spirit

Seva, Selfless Service

” The idea of selfless service (seva also sewa) is an important concept in most Indian religions and yogic traditions. Because God is perceived as having a relationship with others, as well as oneself, serving other people is considered an essential devotional practice of indirectly serving God. Service to make life easier for others”

Seva, a concept of service I learned at my church and has actually been serving me lately.  I have found myself in the position frequently the last few months of needing to serve others.  Of needing to put another’s needs in front of mine, of needing to (while not quite sacrifice) at least, put someone else’s problems in front of my own pleasures.

The most recent one occurred this last weekend.  My son had some car problems during the week which I tried to help him and I ended up just lending my truck to him, essentially leaving myself walking or staying home.  His needs were just more urgent than mine.  If you have been following you know I done much to help my sister and family these last couple of months.   And recently some almost resentment has crept in.

Now I am human and no angel and certainly not a martyr.  I like to take care of myself and make sure I have what I need to enjoy my days.  But I also love my people and want to help them.  There are fine lines and sometimes they get blurred.  I started to go to a place that stopped the easy flow of giving and turn it into something forced or resented.

Then I remembered Seva, selfless service.  And that was a gift for me.  I was able to step back into service because I started using it as a path to Spirit.  And everything changed.  My attitude changed,  life became easier, I had more joy, and the service I am  giving has more impact.  By removing any thoughts of resentment, stress or selfishness I am able to give with Love.  And what is given with Love can be received with Love.  The action, the service, will flow easily into good and all parties benefit.   And I am blessed with serving God.  Because anything I do for any being, I do for the The Beloved.

So the next time you are called step into Seva.  It changes everything.  You get to have a Spiritual experience and help someone all in the same moment. Isn’t that why we are here?

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Daily Life, Self

Listening to Myself

When I got off work today I was in this weird bad mood. Other than the fact I had way more work than time to do it, nothing really went wrong. I was umm, kind of edgy, irritable, a little sad, and not fun to be around.  So my plan was to go to the gym. I changed into my workout clothes, got in my truck, started driving to the gym, and no, that did not feel right. I just could not take the thought of being around noise and people and noisy people, clanging machines, all of that.

So I went where I go when my soul needs to breathe.  We have a lake here with a dam about 3/4 mile across.  Lots of people walk on it,  2014-05-09 11.43.12here is a picture.  I plug in my Ipod, turn up the music and take off.  I see people, but I don;t have to talk to them. I nod and keep moving.  I walked the dam 4 times I think, it felt good.  And by the time I was done, so was my bad mood.  I felt calm, I felt centered, I felt back in my body.

I can’t tell what triggered the mood and maybe it doesn’t matter.  What matters is how I handled it.  I could have went home and isolated myself. I could have went to the gym, following my plan.  I am so happy I listened to my soul.  I said what do I really need right now?  How can I take control of my mood instead of letting it control me?

So the next you don’t feel quite right, somethings off but you are not sure what, take stock.  Ask yourself, what do I really need right now. Throw the plan out the window and be willing to make a change. Take a walk, see a movie, call a friend, fly a kite, meditate, the what you do does not matter.  Why you do it does.  Do it because it is what calls you, it is what heals you.  Love yourself so you can love others.  I ended my day listening to a friend who needed to share a problem.  Because I gave myself space and time,  I had the space and time for her.  We both won, because I listened to myself and responded to that call.

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Daily Life, Self

Finding My Voice (again)

I have been trying to find my voice lately, even when it goes against what someone else wants or expects. Even when what is best for me does not fall into their plan.  Even when it makes me look difficult or uncaring.  As hard as it is sometimes, I am working on saying no or speaking up when I need to.  Here are a couple of things that recently happened:

I am at my church and one of the people are having surgery soon.  So one lady decides that she will set a meal delivery rotation for the patient. Lets remember I am coming off 5 hard weeks of traveling back and forth to San Francisco to visit my sister in UCSF and Kindred Care, all the while still working full time (as much as possible) and taking care of my own personal business. So I don’t have much energy for delivering food to someone no matter how nice they are. But I am caught, I am standing there and they hand the darn clipboard to me, and I don’t say no, I sign my name.

A few days go by and the organizer call me to set up my time in the rotation. At that point I am ready to state my truth.  I told her that as soon as I signed the paper I wondered why I would do that when my plate is so very full. I said I cannot be in this rotation but would absolutely do it this Friday, and then no more. So, a little late, but I did say my truth.  Whether it slows down the handing of the clipboard making assumptions on her part, I have no idea and do not care. My part of the equation is to stand in my own truth, and whatever happens, happens.

Next scenario, going with my sister and brother in law to her DR.appt. in SF.  First I work for a few hours, then meet them at 10:30 to head to the city. I had some breakfast before we left.  I knew my sister was overestimating her strength and that this would be a hard trip for her. She had this plan that we were going to this special restaurant on the way home. So we take off and the trip down is ok.  It’s a little over 2 hours and she held up pretty well.  Then we go the Dr. office.  By now she is becoming uncomfortable and unhappy.  This hurts, that hurts, why do we have to wait so long (15 minutes), etc.  Dr. see her and gives her a good report, she is released and does not have to go back.  All of her recovery and physical therapy can be done in our town (hurray!) Now she wants to go to the hospital and visit the nurses in ICU.  Ok, we go over there, everyone is so happy to see how well she is doing.  It was all good, She perked right up, walked for them, moved her arm. Everyone was happy, I was hungry.

Now its after 4.  I have had no food since that morning.  I get hungry.  She wants to see the cafeteria in the hospital and maybe we will eat there.  Well no,  its between lunch and dinner and the selections are very minimal.  Ok, lets head back home and we will stop at her special restaurant on the way.  Well its on the other side of the freeway and we don’t know how to get back to it.  We end up in some residential area in San Rafael totally lost. Forget that, back on the freeway heading home. We hit commuter traffic all along the way.  Now its about 6 and we are an hour and half from home. Plus I have to pick up my truck and get to my house so add another half an hour, with no food in sight. Now my sister is so uncomfortable, in pain, exhausted, just not doing very well. She no longer wants food, her husband is driving eating day old donut holes because he is starving.  He would never stop though, he will just suffer.

Ok, my sister, I know you are uncomfortable, I know you hurt, I know the last thing you want is to stop for any reason.  But guess what, I need food.  I am important also.  My body is important also. My voice is important also. Its time to feed me.  I look at the clock and I know If I don’t say something I will not get anything in my stomach before 8 pm. So I say “stop at this next town, hit a drive thru, I need to put something in my stomach”.  In the big picture it only added 20 minutes to our trip. Everyone got home fine. I and my b-in law got to eat.  But you know what I struggled to put myself ahead of my wounded sister.

Do I feel good about these decisions? Yes and no.  Mostly yes, but there was no joy in placing myself ahead of either of those women.  They needed help, I have been there for them, mostly my sister. But I took the food to L and visited with her, brightening her evening. I will go visit my sister today and provide whatever help I can.

Its easy to give away our yeses.  We get to be the hero, we get to be the good one, everyone thinks we are awesome, we get praise. And that has been raining down on me a little bit lately, I don’t hate that.  But I need to have boundaries around it.  And that is up to me.  Because everyone will let you put yourself in the background and make them the most important thing around if you let them. And that is my key, what am I allowing?  And is it good for my soul? Does it feel good in my body?  If not, I need an adjustment.  Because when i get to a place where I am doing acts and resenting them or not having an open heart around it, that bad for me and also for the recipient.

So I am working on reclaiming my voice.  My sister’s crisis is over and now her future and recovery are in her hands. I can support that, but it is not mine.  What mine is my own reality, the life I have created.  I am stepping back into it wiser, stronger, smarter, and with my voice.  I will not take on what is not good for me.  I will not sacrifice my health and happiness without having an open heart around that. I will speak up, I will say no, I will voice my opinions, I will take care of myself.  I will know every single day that my life is of equal value and I will celebrate that.  Having love and compassion for myself and others I am ready to get back to my world.

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Daily Life, Self

Male Energy, Female Energy, Can I have both?

I have been running too much male energy lately. My sister, who is like the other piece of me, has been in the hospital.  A serious condition.  She was in ICU for a month and then a rehabilitation hospital for physical therapy.  Today myself and her husband are headed to San Francisco to bring her home.  Its about 2 1/2 hour drive each way.  I have made a dozen of those trips in the last month. So that is kind of how my life has been going lately.

So, the male energy part.  I have noticed in crisis this is how I handle it.  I step up. I push through.  I don’t become emotional, I don’t fall apart, I make decisions, I am rational. In short, I am a man. Don’t get me wrong this is not about women being weak or irrational.  This is about the different sides of ourselves and how we use them.

I remember this happening when my dad died.  I looked around at my family and thought, well I am the man now. My mom was widowed, I was single, my son was a teenager, my sister was married, but her husband, well he was not stronger than me.  Same thing when my mom died.  I planned the funeral, wrote the obituary, got the lawyer, all the stuff that needed taking care of, I did it.  And now, with my sister, I have been the contact person, I have led her husband through this,. advising, listening, comforting.  I have helped him and her understand what is happening and needs to happen.  Through all of this I still go to work, I still pay my bills and take care of daily life. All this male energy.

But is this really good for me?  Not really. I don’t want to hear “oh you are so strong” I want to hear ” I know you are only faking this because no one else will step up. I know you are falling apart, let me catch you”. Because really, who catches the strong ones? No one catches us. No one sees us cry in the corner, they cannot handle our tears. It shakes their world too much. Do you think I want it this way, I don’t.  Just once,  in a crisis, I would like someone, anyone,  to handle it. Leave me to my tears, let me fall apart, catch me.

Because honestly I am weary.  This affects me physically.  I feel drained.  I have had a rash break out, a cold sore, my body is tired and my skin is dry. I am itchy. And I just want to sit and watch tv and then sleep and then sit some more. I have given up exercise, my fuel for happiness, cause I am too darn tired and I have no time

. Sitting in this male energy is not a healthy place for me.and I am trying to move back into my female side.  How do I that?  Well, I made time and energy for good sex.  That reconnects to my female side. I listen to music, but gentle loving music, female artists,  staying away from Eminem or any strong male singer.  Last week I cleaned my apartment.  I know that is a cliche, woman, cleaning, But the nesting part, making my home comfortable and inviting is very female. I cooked a couple of good meals to nurture myself.  I did my nails and got a haircut, girly stuff. I had lunch twice with girlfriends, laughing, relaxing.  I am trying to get my balance back.

Because as much as I know the value of my male energy, I need my female side to sit in front of it.  My male side has saved me more than once.  That is the side that has kept me independent, strong, outspoken and full of belief in my value. But my female side brings out a softness and comfort that is required for my daily living.  I think I have always had a little more respect for my male side, but this time things feel different. I want to learn to merge both energies into a strong, gentle, loving, self caring, independent, smart, resourceful, compassionate, sexy, funny, ballsy, passionate human being that  can run all her energies and never has to pick a side.

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Daily Life, Relationships

On Freedom and Love

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose…Janis Joplin

With every loss comes freedom….

So freedom, personal freedom.  I not talking about political freedom, religious freedom, freedom from persecution. I think we can all agree these are important.  I am talking about personal circumstances.  Last night a friend and I were talking.  She is losing a roommate and thinking that maybe she is ready to live alone.  Her husband died 6 or so years ago.  Since then she has had various roommates live in the house with her.  Now she is losing a longtime roommate and looking at making a change.

So driving home, I think about my life.  I am more free than I have ever been in my life. I don’t even have a fish.  I live alone.  All the people I am attached to live separate lives from me.  This is not to say we do not love each other and spend time together, but that our daily lives are not dependent on each other.  I took care of my mom a lot.  I was always concerned about her eating, her health,. her emotional state, but she passed away a couple of years ago and that role went with it.  I lived my son up until a couple of years ago.  I filled the mom role with that. What’s for dinner, how are you feeling?  How was your day? It was nice, having that time with him. But he is a grown up and moved into his own apartment and is living his own life.  Sure I still talk and text with him, but we are not interdependent on each other. 

I can do anything I want with my life, totally free to choose.  I do not have to consider anyone else when I make my daily or long term choices.  Is that freedom? I have been kind of stripped down, watching one person after another leave, losing my home and all that entailed. Letting go of keeping a pet.  This is the first time in my entire life I have lived without a pet, either dog or cat.  I miss that.  

Am I lonely? I don;t think so. I don’t sit around in the evenings sad or lost.  I eat dinner, watch some tv, go online, text with my people. I sleep good.  Sometimes I am a little lost, but it doesn’t last.  I take care of it, I connect with someone, I take a walk, go to the gym, something. If someone asked me, I would say I like my life, I feel good in it.  I like the people in it.  I like my community, I like the church I have chosen, I even like my job. 

So why do I feel like I need a partner in this?  Why do I continue on the search for romantic love? Why do I even need that?  I look at my friends who are married or in long term relationships and they are no happier than I am. Most are less happy. And yet they still strive to keep that connection. I was married for 20 years so I know long term. I have had relationships that have lasted multiple years. I was not happier in those than I am now. Do we need that angst and passion to feel alive, to feel connected  Is it at some cellular level we search for connection even if that does not makes us happy?  Are we searching for something beyond happy?  Maybe so.  Because it is in relationships that we grow, that we feel the deepest, that we stretch our minds and our souls to reach a place of love. Even though I am happy now, I felt more alive then. 

So right now, at this time in my life, I am free. I choose my days, I choose my nights.  It is a calm moment in my life readying me to reach out for the next storm.  Because it is in the storms I feel most alive.  That is where I shine, where I feel passion, energy and love.  So I guess the search continues.  Can I have love and freedom? I hope so.

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Daily Life, Inspiration

We Have Today

Hello, I know I have been missing the last few weeks.  My best friend, my sister was suddenly taken ill with a life threatening condition.  She has been in Intensive Care for over 2 weeks now.  They sent her to a large hospital over 2 hours away from me.  I am getting ready today to make my 8th trip to the city to see her. I have kind of lost my balance these days.  I work, travel, be at the hospital or sleep. 

I have many lessons going on here. Patience, gratitude, self care, did I say patience?  But right now, today, this is what I am thinking………

You better live your life.  Today, not tomorrow, don’t think you will start living next week, you might not.  And I know it can’t always be the big things.  Yes, if you want to write that book or climb that mountain, start making your plan.  Don’t say someday, START NOW.  Take those baby steps to your dream.

 But here is what we have right now, today.  It is as simple as that.  Watch the sun rise and set. Appreciate that cup of coffee or tea. Make that hug good-by a little tighter.  Be kind to strangers, share your smile. Don’t dismiss or brush off kind words and thoughts that come to you. Take the time to acknowledge them, absorb the love that comes to you. Send it back out. Cherish the time with your family , your children, your parents and grandparents.  Oh my gosh, tell your people you love them.  Do not wait until tomorrow.  Do not think it not important, or that you have time. Maybe you do, but maybe they don’t.  

You and I, we have this day, it is a gift.  I said before “Our only guarantee is our next breath”. That has home to me hard these days.  I get it. I really get it. My best girl is in a fight for her future right now.. She is one of the most optimistic happy people I have ever met. Almost innocent in her joy. I can try to take that lesson and live it in my life.  We are having some hard days, but I intend to find some joy, some laughter, some love in today.  I invite you to join me..

 

 

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Daily Life

Just a little plane ride

So my life2014-08-09 13.53.05 has been a bit of a ride this last week.  It is going to take some time to absorb and get the lessons, But for right now let me tell you something I did last weekend.  

I am kind of a chicken.  I don’t take big risks, I don’t skydive, climb mountains, I don’t even jet ski. Physically I have never lived on the edge.  So my friend and I have been planning to go to a local air show. I knew he really wanted to go up in one of the little planes.  Me, not so much. But I am going to the show with him.

We get there,  I don’t really plan to go up in the plane.  I don’t love big planes, why would I go up in a small one? But somehow my name is on the waiting list.  And I watch through out the afternoon, little kids go, big kids go, adults go.  They are all fine.  No one was hurt, no one died.  They all came out smiling.

But me?  I have fears, my fears keep safe, my fears keep me on the ground.  Are these fears reasonable?  Apparently not, cause everyone is having fun, they like it. Hmmmm….. ok. I guess I am going.  So I tell my friends we can both go together, no sending me up in 2 seater. I think, well he will keep me calm, distracted, hold my hand.  It will  be ok, not fun, but ok.

Our turn comes, we head out a little 4 seater plane. Great, now I have to go pee.  Really??  I can’t stop everything and I think its nervous pee.  Ok, ignore it. I’m trying.  Now climb in, I have a dress on.  But somehow I managed to get in my seat semi gracefully without showing anything. I sit down in the seat behind the pilot.  My friend sits in the seat next to him.  What?  I thought we were going to sit next to each other.  I might need to hold your hand.. I am all alone back here. Great. 

The plane takes off.  Pretty smooth.  I wait for panic, fear, I wait for my palms to get sweaty, to have to start taking calming breaths, I wait for that closed in feeling to take over.  I keep waiting, now we are in the air.  Still fine……   I feel great.  I am relaxed, I am comfortable, I am not afraid. This is not what I expected from myself. I sat back and enjoyed the most amazing ride, I took pictures, I laughed and smiled.  I did not want it to end.  I want to go again.

So if I had let fear stop me I would have missed that.  Because my fear was not reasonable.  It was not based on actual dangerous circumstances. It was not my inner voice saying stop.  It was the part of me that holds me back from experiencing all that life has to offer. I stood there on that tarmac and said this is my chance; am I really going to walk away from this experience when my fear is not even rational? And I thought no, fuck this, I am going and whatever happens, happens.  And what happened was a piece of me broke through.  A piece of me said yes to life, instead of no.  I fed trust instead of fear.  I got off the sidelines and into the air.

Will I do that again?  Maybe, I hope so.  I am not suddenly going to start climbing mountain or zip lining through the Rainforest (I would like to do that).  But you know what, maybe I will.  At the very least I have more courage in me and less fear.  I have the knowledge of yes, I did that.  When I am faced with irrational fears I can look them more squarely in the face and know that I can move through them with grace and ease, surviving beautifully, moving forward to the next challenge in my life.

Whatever your plane looks like, get out there and put it behind you.

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Inspiration, Spirit

Endings, and Beginnings

everything

The Buddha says “Everything that has a beginning has an end. Make your peace with that and all will be well.”

Can I do this?  How freeing would that be to really live this way.  To know that when something is started at some point it will be ending. And be ok with that.  Wouldn’t I just embrace the moments and not worry and plan into the future. Would I be able to love freely, without strings and conditions or expectations of what could, should, might happen?  Could I find joy in each moment and then let them go?  The very essence of non attachment. To be that free.

Because it is true, and I know this. And yet I cling to the very moments of today.  How many things have I released? Countless and I am still here.  I am still living, loving, searching, singing, moving, crying, talking, fucking, working, mothering, being a friend……everything that makes me who I am.  Letting go did not kill me, did not break me.  At the end of the day I am not bitter or sad.  Maybe melancholy at times, but that is the wistfulness of days gone by. Mostly I have survived every one of those releases. 

Am I changed? Absolutely. Life changes us, Every single day I am different.  I have an experience, major or minor and I am changed.  That is Spirit recreating Itself on earth through me.  Growth, creation, that is the very essence of being human. Still I let go, I accepted the endings, and I survived.

What if I could see that before I suffered the letting go.  I tell you, I do not let go easily.  There are claw marks on everything I ever released.  What a lot of energy I put in to holding on to something that absolutely had an ending. 

And what if things did not end?  Could I really stay forever in a holding pattern? Where would the not ending begin?  We have to grow to adulthood.  Would the life I was living at 21 be my forever life? How much of life I would have missed. I had my son at 22.  My youth had to end for that blessing to occur.  I have had wonderful jobs and made great friends.  What if my first job had not ended?  I would have missed countless people I come to know and many to love. My marriage?  Well If that had not ended I would have never know the beauty and satisfaction of standing on my own and building a life simply for myself. And I have been blessed with intense and satisfying relationships along the way, each teaching me more about myself. My son grew up, he cannot stay a child.  I would miss knowing this amazing man and the many things he brought to my life as an adult. 

Some things have been really hard to let go of.  And those things are deaths; parents, friends, pets, family… How do I let go? I had no choice. Seriously all of those, claw marks, deep ones. I know in each of those losses there are lessons. Sometimes I can see them, it is not easy,  I know they made me grow, I know they made strong. I know they made me compassionate. These are the ones that left the deepest scars.  Some days I would trade the growth, the strength, the compassion to see them again. To be in that place of love with them again.  But that is not possible in this world and this world is where I dwell.  So I take the lessons and carry some sadness.

Still, I think the Buddha has it right.  Knowing there is an end gives me space to celebrate what is now.  To not try to make it anything it is not.  There was one point in my life I really got this.  My son and his girlfriend lived with me for a few years.  It was crowded, it was a lot of work, it was expensive, it was wonderful. And I knew every single day that it was not forever.  Knowing that gave me the freedom to simply love them and accept their love.  My friends and family did not really understand how grown adults (and their dogs) could move back in with mom. Shouldn’t they be moving out, getting their own place, paying rent etc.  For me, all I knew is that is was a moment in time, a gift, and everyday someone said “I love you mom”. And I knew one day it would be over.  So I loved it every minute I could.  Maybe that moment is my lesson in “Everything that has a beginning has an end”. 

So I can take that lesson and hold it close. Remembering that what I have is today.  Everything will end so that something new can begin.  The Universe will fill the void and I am expecting and accepting nothing less than amazing. 

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Daily Life, Inspiration

Owning my Words

I have been working on using “I” instead of you, or we, or us when making statements.  A few weeks ago in class the instructor called me out for using we instead of I.  She said “don’t speak for me, speak for yourself.  If you are going to make a statement, then own it.”  And that really has stuck with me. And I will say she follows her own lead.  She is my Reverend and yesterday in her sermon she corrected herself.  She started a statement, said we, and then said no, I, I will own this. So that really supported the work around this.

And it is work.  I keep catching myself using we, or people, or they, or us.  Anything to not own the statement.  Anything to not stand behind it all alone by myself.  But really, I don;t get to speak for you or for us.  I speak for myself and that is all.  Unless you come to me and say can you speak for us and make an agreement, than anything I say is an assumption. Never assume…which Agreement is that?  Number 3 I think. 

So why is it so easy to slip into that mode?  I think for me (owning it) it is a way of hiding. By grouping myself with others I minimize my own responsibility for the thought.  So if I am wrong, or not everyone agrees with me I can say well I am not the only one. And also standing alone with a thought  and sharing it is scary, it exposes me….to criticism, to embarrassment, to conflict.  What if you don’t like what I say?  What if I sound stupid, what if I am the only who feels that way?

What if???????

What if I sound brave, smart, funny?  What if I say what others want to, but are quiet?  What if I understand the power of my words and use them carefully and honestly with respect with others? What if I do not assume I know how you feel, what you think?  Can we have a conversation then?  Is this how doors and minds open? When I own my thoughts and feelings and you own yours, how beautiful is that…….

I have a Facebook page.  I try really hard to keep it general, light, fun.  I do not engage in politics, religion, social causes etc. This is my choice.  Everyone should do what they want with their page. But the other day I came across a post from a friend who is probably way less liberal than I am. Not to detail it but it referenced gay pride in a non supportive way.  I tried to pass it by.  I said “its her page, leave it alone” I kept scrolling, but I could not just say nothing. So I went back, thinking I was heading into a minefield.  I kept thinking of the quote by Edmund Burke “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”  Anyway, I posted a respectful disagreement to her post and sat back expecting the worst.  Let me tell you, I received support from total strangers. And I felt like using my words, and owning them, was really powerful in that moment.

Since I have working on owning my words and my thoughts,  I shared that with my co worker over the last few weeks.  Today she started a sentence saying “we” and then switched and said ” I am owning this….I ”  It was awesome, she owned it!

We do not have to strengthen our thoughts by propping them up with the false sense that others agree.  Our thoughts are strong on their own.  We are smart, we are logical, we can figure this out.  We can have our own opinion without permission from anyone else. I am enough, my own mind is enough.  I feel this way, I think this, I believe this, I know this……….it is enough even when it is only me.

So I invite you to join me in owning your statements. In not bringing others in to strengthen your stance but standing tall on your own and saying  “I”.  You would surprised how good it feels. 

And one last thought, do not let others speak for you.  When they say we, gently say to them, you.

 

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