A new person has appeared in my life and he is bringing up sorts of mirrors for me. This is a work situation and I have no control over how much time I have to spend around him. Its been about 6 weeks now and it is not good. I could go on and on about him and his irritants and faults, which are real, but is not really about him is it? So lets leave him out of this.
I don’t like who I am around him. I tried for weeks to blame him. And to be honest and fair to myself a lot of what I am feeling is really valid. He lies, he manipulates, he evades, I don’t have much respect for his lifestyle. All of this is true. But really who cares, he will be gone from my life at some point, that is a given.
For whatever reason the Universe has placed him on my path. So there must a lesson here. Just realizing and accepting that is freeing for me. I don’t have to fix him or the situation, that is not my responsibility. But I can learn. I can look at myself through what he shows me. He is a mirror for me. I can figure why he triggers such a bitch response from me. Because I am cutting him no slack, none. And at this point I am hyper aware of any missteps from him and I respond quickly and without mercy. I am mean. And that is not really me.
So what is this? I know a huge part of it is my response to a male trying to come in and manipulate and control me. I do not want to work it out, I do not want to come to an understanding. I do not want to compromise, I want to win. This keeps coming up for me. I have to deal with this. And now the Universe has put it in my face 40 hours a week.
I like men, I love men. One of my best friends is a man. My lover is a man. I am comfortable with men, I enjoy them. But as soon as I feel disrespected or manipulated or controlled the claws come out. And with women I try harder, I am softer, I look at both sides.
But this harshness in me, I don’t like it. It’s not healthy. How can I fix this? Well I can recognize it. I can step back and slow my reactions. I can see he is just a mirror for me to work on my issues. I don’t want to spend my time in bitterness or anger. I have to learn to separate my sense of self from how he treats me. I have to give up control of the situation. If he fools everyone for awhile, well I guess that is their mirror. I am done reacting like a puppet and he pulling the strings, taking way too much of my energy.
I don’t have to fix anyone but me. Actually I can’t, your road is your road and my path is my own. So next week when I go to work I will try so hard to have a different mindset. To not see him as anything but a mirror for me to learn and grow from. Perhaps I can come out of this situation with a better sense of how to handle myself when a man tries to control me. To look at him with eyes that see a person who is probably in pain and fear and does not have the emotional tools to let down the walls.
Because really we are all just humans trying to find some love and compassion. Some safety, understanding and connection. I am not interested in connecting past co-workers with this man, but I would like to spend my day in grace and ease. I know that starts with me. I can control my reactions, I can control where I spend my thoughts. It is up to me which wolf I feed. I know it won’t be easy. I know he pushes my buttons, but my job is figure why, use the teachings around that and go out in the world open, available and with love.