Tag Archives: Growth

Change, Expansion, family, Growth, Healing, home, Love

Where is home anyway?

First off my friends, I apologize for going missing.  I have been feeding this last year way more than being fed.  I had to go internal for a minute and recharge.  This blog is important to me and I do  a lot of processing here, but lately my mind has been jumbled and the words simply would not take form.  But I am returned and ready to share with you…….

So how do I define “Home”? Is it a place where I reside? Is it a feeling? Is It a community? Is it family? Do I even have one?  Can I have one?  Do I want one?

When I lost the house I lived in, raised my son, had so memories in, I lost my home.  And I have not found it since.  The last 2+ years I live in a nice apartment very comfortably.  It is not home to me. It has given me many things, safety, time to re balance, a place of non attachment, a place of little responsibility. It has been a resting stop and for that I am grateful. The apartment is attached to a home and the owners have put the entire place up for sale.  So for me, that means a change, again.

Here is what I know, I cannot re create the past.  When I think of home I remember my house, my son, my sister, holidays, our pets, my friends, parties.  So many memories I cannot begin to list them. But that is what they are, memories.And I kinda get it, that for me, home is memories, making memories.  You can’t buy that, you can’t move into that, you have to live it.

A long time ago a man asked me “where do you stay?”  It took me by surprise and I said “well I have a home, I stay there”. But now I understand because lately this is where I stay.  I complain that friends and family don’t come here, don’t stop by, but the truth is, I don’t ask them.  I have not wanted to make this my home.  I have been resistant to letting go and moving forward.  I have put all kinds of blocks up and made this into both a refuge and a place of isolation. So while one has served me, the other has saddened me.

Is home a person?  Somehometimes with friends it feels like coming home.  You share laughter and tears.  But home cannot be one person, it is bigger than that. We are bigger than that. Our lives are so big and complex.  There are too many pieces to call one thing home.  I find home in my friends, my family and my community. I hope they find that in me.  Because feeling at home, safe, comfortable and loved, there is nothing on earth that can touch that.  You cannot shrink that down to fit inside walls.

When I moved in here  I was wounded and reeling from the circumstances surrounding me.  But much of that has healed and I am ready for more.  I simply have to decide what that is and manifest it. And what I want is wholeness within the place I live.  I want peace, I want the sounds of nature, I want the feeling of love, especially self love, in my home.  But I also want the world to come by and share my home with me.  I want memories, I want welcoming, I want ease and grace. I think that is what I really want, ease and grace.  And so all of those I shall now have.  I am ready for them.

Because home is not one place.  It is not that simple. What I am seeing is that my life, the wholeness of my life is my home.  I am my home.  Wherever I go, I take my memories with me, I take my sense of peace with me, I take my laughter with me, I take love wherever I go.  So I can never ever be without a home. It will  look different at different times in my life.  And it is up to me to create whatever kind of space I need at that moment.

So whether I stay here or move on is unknown.  I am available and ready for the Universe to send my Good. And some pieces of it have already arrived.  There is comfort and peace in knowing that there is no struggle, there is no worry,  all good comes my way,  ease and grace is mine to enjoy.

“Home wasn’t a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”
― Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye

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family, Gratitude, Growth, Healing, Love, Mother, Relationships

Mother’s Day Without Our Moms

For myself and many of my friends we have Mothers day without our mothers. Be it mom, grandmother, aunt, mothers of our heart, the woman that loved us. They are passed, Whether 1 years, 5 years, 20 years, it doesn’t matter. There is an empty spot where mom should be. There is a sweet longing that comes up, a melancholy for times past and the feel of her hand on my face. I miss her voice, I miss knowing someone loves me, no matter what. I miss having her support and her unwavering belief in my good, even when I wasn’t . That is what a mom does. I miss having that wisdom ahead of me, teaching me. I miss having someone to rebel against. I miss that feeling of two women in the world determined to live their own lives and still be so interdependent in each others. I miss her laughter, I miss her fierceness. I could go on and on.

And I know this is the same for so many of my friends. We are at an age where the torch is passed and we step into the spots our mothers and fathers left behind. There is honor in that. There naturalness and beauty in that. But still, on these special remembrance days, there is a wistful sadness for times past. I guess the best we can do is honor our mothers and stay in a place of love. Take the day and recognize the woman who raised us to be the people we are today. And celebrate the present with the humans who are here with us today. For someday, we, or they, will be a memory. so make it a good one.

Happy Mothers Day my friends.

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Daily Life, friendship, Growth, Honesty, Love, Self, self love

It’s Okay if You Don’t Like Me… I Like Me

Is the quickest way to peace of mind to love yourself?  For some reason this week this statement has been running through my mind “It’s okay if you don’t like me, I like me” I don’t even know why but all of a sudden I am kind of falling in love with myself.  And it feels good.  It feels peaceful, no struggle, no trying to fix myself.  No trying to change for someone or appease someone.  No thinking they are right about me and I am wrong. I am simply relaxing into who I am.

katieI think most people like me, but not everyone.  At one point I would have been wondering why.Did I do something, was I offensive, do they disapprove of my lifestyle?  How can I fix this?  Can I make them like me. Well no I cannot. And is that okay?  Yes.  You can not like me, you can not want to be my friend. I like me and I will be my friend.

The more I am loving myself the better I am to the world.  The better to my friends, my family and the community I live in.  It is like stopping a struggle, the struggle to prove myself.  I get it that I am not everyone’s cup of tea.  And that is okay, there are many flavors out there.  And what I know is, I cannot please everyone. I have to start with myself.

There are certain people I have great respect and love for.  These people, I do care what they think.  I do listen to their opinions and it is important to me that they like me, that they approve of me. But that is a handful of people, and honestly at the end of day if they cannot love me for who I am, I still cannot pull myself in pieces trying to be who they need.  They are just going to have to need me to be as I am, and love me anyway. Everyone else, take me, or don’t.

Okay I am not perfect.  I see things in myself I want to change.   I can jump to conclusions.  I am defensive, I can be self absorbed.  I will let my emotions rule my head.  Sometimes I talk too much and forget to listen.  Other times I don’t talk at all and shut down. I will overshare and then undershare.  I will take way too much crap and then be mad at others and myself.  So I guess I am human.

But I am also amazing.  And I don’t even need to list all those things, it is enough that I know them.   Also,  I am a work in progress.  And I am learning more every day and trying to apply it.  It is all about baby steps.  One after another.  I can look back and see progress.  I am way less concerned with how the world sees me and more connected to my own vision. I am not afraid of you anymore.  I am not afraid of your opinion.  I don’t not have to change for you. I am free, or least on my way.

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

– Louise L. Hay

Someone I loved gave me a box of darkness…. I have spoken of that before. My mother, one of my great teachers.  She did not like herself, let alone, love herself. I watched her push the world away one by one.  I heard her say  so many times things like “Well, I don’t like me.”  And I thought, I love you, can’t you see that?  Can’t you see how amazing the world could be for you, if you would stop this, and starting loving yourself.  She never did, until the very end, she pushed us all away. And I do not want that for myself.  I do not want to repeat how my mom lived.  I do not want to not love myself. I saw what it could do, it was not beautiful, or loving, or peaceful.

The more I accept and love myself the better I am to myself.  I recognize that it makes a difference in the foods I eat, I sleep I get.  I seek out people and circumstances that feed my soul with joy.  I make sure I relax and not be demanding on myself.  I speak well to myself about myself. When I am in a state of self love, I can go out there and change the world.  I can go out there spread love.  I can be joy.  I can be compassionate.

And the struggle to be something we are not can end.  When I know I do not have to change for you to like me, I also know you do not have to change a thing for me.  You are perfect, you are amazing.  You are a beautiful, unique and irreplaceable. You get to celebrate that.  We can each shine our light, our perfect light out into the world saying “Here I am, there is no one else like me and for that I am grateful”.

Namaste

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challenges, Change, daily practice, family, Growth, Relationships

It is Time to Release the Mantra

I don’t even really know where to start.  2 weeks ago my grandmother passed away and I have so many feelings about it.  They are all mixed up.  She was 94 and lived every day of her life.  Her illness was not lingering, she was not suffering.  She basically lived up until the final day.  The day before she died she sitting up in intensive care talking to me, loving me, and living life. The next day she was gone. That cannot be a bad thing.

But for me, I miss my grandma. And now I am looking at another loss.  I see this news headline and 7 children died in a fire.  How do parents survive that?  I mean, that is a tragedy.  That is a loss.  Everywhere I look I see losses that seem to me greater, more significant than mine.  I think for me, it is just adding them all up. And I feel like it is wearing me down.

My life feels so different now. Quick view:  3 years it looked like this:  I was living in my home of 20 years, I had a mom, I lived with my son and our 2 dogs, my sister lived on the next street, my sister was healthy, I was healthy, I liked my job,  I had a grandmother.

Now much of that is gone, I lost the house, my mom died, my son moved out, we had to put one dog to sleep (old age) and re home the other.  My sister and I live miles apart.  My sister had a health crisis and our relationship is changed.  The stress comes out through a variety of health issues. One of my best friends moved away. The work environment has changed and I am unhappy at my job. I tried to have a romantic relationship, that failed. I am trying to get on feet financially and help my son, it is a constant daily struggle. Now my grandmother has died. It is all adding up. I did the lifestyle stress test, I am in trouble.

And I can feel all of this in my body and I have to fix it.  I am starting to have more nocturnal anxiety attacks. My hair continues to shed, I am tired, I have gained weight.  Everything feels like a struggle and I have no emotional reserves.  I was so drained from the whole losing my mom, my home and all that went with that.  I was just starting to get it together when my sister had a big health crisis last summer.  She is my best friend, and now it has changed so much.  And now a few months later my grandmother is gone. Could all of this just please stop?

I can tell you I am trying to mitigate the stress as much as possible.  I meditate daily, I take long walks to clear my head.  I pray.  I try to spend time with friends but it seems that laughter and fun are missing these days.  Everything seem intense. I really just need to fucking relax and let it go. If you have to work at relaxing is that really relaxing?  I don’t think so. But I have to start somewhere.  When I see my son, what I say is “are you having any fun?”  Could I say that to myself?  Because apparently I am on a roller coaster ride these last few years. I guess I need to learn to love the ride.

I keep thinking of losses, I have lost this, I have lost that. That feels sad, that feels pathetic.  It is a pity party.  The truth is I have lost nothing.  I still have a mom and a grandmother.  They are not in physical form,  but I will always be a daughter and a granddaughter.  The souls we share lives with are never away from us. I know that to be true. And that goes for every being, human or not, that I have loved. Everything else is simply stuff.

I still have a home, a different home.  My relationship with my sister is different, but perhaps there can a deepening from the shared journey.  My son, he loves me, but he lives his own life. Isn’t that what i raised him for? Friends?  Well, even the ones I don’t share my time with now, I can love them and I can know they love me.  And I can welcome the new relationships into my life. Work?  I can keep in front of me the knowledge that I can only do my best, I am not in charge of how others respond.  Because at the end of the day if I have loved some, laughed a little, relaxed, been honest with myself and others, prayed, meditated, had a good meal, took a walk and breathed in nature, and laid down my head safe in my home, what more can I really ask for?  That is life, that is the good life.

So I have to accept change again.  I am doing this guided meditation with Deepak Chopra and the end he says “it is time to release the mantra”.  My mantra has been ” I have lost so much.” It is time to release that mantra.  Because it is not about loss, it never was.  It is about change, and change will always happen.  Change causes me to grow, to stretch myself, to look inside, to be honest, to be brave, to be compassionate.  Change makes me better.  And I will always ask for that, to be better.  And if change is the price, than so be it, I am willing. So no more loss, this is about growth. This is about life. And I am grateful.

And so it is.

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Daily Life, family, Growth, Inspiration, Love, Relationships, Self

Becoming My Own Example

So I think I am becoming my own example.  Today my grandmother is pressing on my mind.  I am thinking of her passing and the influence she had on me.  My grandmother (Maxine) was really really alive every day.  She lived until 94, every day celebrating being alive. And she has been such an inspiration to me.  She lived all alone the last 20 years, but was never lonely.  She had an active social life, church life and family life.  She never quit, ever. She told me, don’t stop. Be thirsty, be honest but caring. Grandma had her nose in everything, she was curious and loved to laugh.  She did not let life get her down, she kept going.

And then I thought of my mom who passed 3 years ago, and all the inspiration she gave me.  She was bold, fierce.  She took crap from no one. Honestly my mom had other issues and ended up allowing her demons to push away many friends and family that loved her.  But the parts that inspired me, she would fight for what she loved. She never let anyone tell her what to do. She was artistic, flamboyant and in your face.  She loved strongly.  She was amazing.

My dad’s mom, Grandma Stell  passed away more than 20 years ago.  She had a laughter to her life.  She always wanted to have fun.  She was southern to the core and sweet tea was always in the house.  She would take 3 different artificial Christmas trees, make them into one and called it  “pretty”. Married multiple times, again a woman who never gave up.   She loved hard, she loved me, she loved my dad. Oh my gosh, she would defend her family,

So all of these women who have loved and raised me are passed now.  And I am a mix of all of them.  All of their examples, all of their lessons have found their way into me.  Everyone of them was strong and stood on her own in her own way.  I realize that I do not have to be Mom, or Little Grandma, or Grandma Stell, I get to be Sandy.  And that takes nothing from them.  They did not live in another’s shadow but shone their own light.  I shine my own light, I beat my own drum.  I take the best from all, and become my own example.  I become my own inspiration.

All of these women lived and died a simple life.  None of them became famous, none of them left a mark beyond their own family, friends and lives.  No one wrote a book,  they were not politicians or great humanitarians.  100 years from we will hard pressed to find a memory, but I remember. And I am here now, and that matters.  This is how life goes on.  We lives our lives best we can.  I take all that I have been blessed with build my life.  I leave my mark on the world, be it simple or not.

So more and more I become my own example.  I live my life no one else’s.  I honor all of those women before who lived their own lives.  I see how different they were and each life was beautiful.  They made their choices, they became who they really were, no apologies. And I can do that too. I become myself, no one else. And I make no apologies.  I can see other examples, I can see the fierceness, the laughter, the lovingness, and the strength.  And instead of saying that is how I want to live, who I want to be, I can just be those qualities.  It takes nothing from those who have gone before, there is enough for everyone.  So instead of saying, this is who I want to be, I become it and say ” This is Who I Am.”

And so it is……

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Change, Daily Life, Growth, Honesty, Inspiration, self love

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

So what story am I telling myself, and is it even true?  Something happened today that made me take a look at the stories we tell and where they come from.  How we build lives around them, make decisions around them, and was the story ever really true?

Someone I know (my son) has been living this story that today proved to not even be true.  He bought a car 1 1/2 years ago.  In order to register it in his name he had to have it smogged.  This car had modifications to the engines (guys car) so he said it would not pass smog.  He could not finish the registration and transfer because of this.  Time goes by, he gets an extension. More time goes by, he gets a tickets as his tags are expired.   He cannot get the tags, because its not in his name.  He gets another extension.  We have multiple conversations around this. He tells me there is an engine light causing the problem.  To fix it would mean much work and many dollars.  More time goes by, he gets another tickets.  Next move is impound.

There is much stress, anxiety, many conversations around this.  My sister tries to help, my brother in law gives advice.  Finally I say I need to tell my mechanic exactly why it won’t smog.  Tell me what the smog people said. My sons says “well I never tried to have it smogged.”  What?????  Deep breath…… Okay son, take it to the smog people, get an exact reason it will not smog and we can go from there. Today he takes the car in.  It passes smog.  There is no problem.  The story was not true. He built a whole piece of his life around a story that was not true.

our story

Our stories are important. We define ourselves,  we connect with others, we make decisions, all around the story we have decided is our truth.  But we have a responsibility to ourselves to  question these stories.  We cannot live blindly or stuck in an old story.  That does not do us or those around us justice.  Every now and then we need to check in and say is this still true?  How did we start believing this, was it ever true?  Looking at that will help us move forward and grow.  Maybe the story is still true, okay then we know are on the right path. We have to be wiling to look at ourselves and what we believe about ourselves every now and then.  Otherwise we are living by default.

One story I tell myself is that I am not the kind of woman a man wants to marry.  Where I decided this I don’t know.  I think it was to protect myself from being rejected.  This thought helped me get through failed relationships, giving me an out (not my fault),  after all I am not the kind of woman that men marry.  It couldn’t have been that I picked men who were emotionally unavailable, or younger and wanting to make a family. It couldn’t have been that I did not want to be married.  Shouldn’t every woman want that?  Isn’t that the dream?  How could I not want that?

Here is the thing, that thought helped me get through some really fragile years.  Years I should not have been thinking of marriage or any long term relationship.  So that belief served me well. It protected me, it gave me time, time to grow. I came out of a 20 year marriage and I had some healing to do. So that story that I told, well it helped me then.

But now, maybe I need to look at that again.  Because I still say it, and I am not so sure it is true anymore.  I think differently now.  I have grown in many ways and now my life has changed and so have I .   But if I keep thinking that and saying that, I will be stuck in an old pattern.  A pattern that doesn’t fit anymore.   Yes, I am independent and tend to need alone time, but I am sure there is someone out there that I am perfect for.   I am changing my story.

Our stories can be good, they can be empowering.  One of my mom’s stories was that she was lucky. And she was!  She was always winning contests and jackpots.  She went through her life saying “i’m lucky” and it served her well.  So how about some good stories.  How about I say I am smart, funny, capable? How about I believe that I am amazing?  I could say I am lucky in love, in finances.  Just plain lucky.  I could tell the story of how I survived a divorce and came out on the other side with my sanity. I could believe that I am available to be a wonderful partner. My story could be I am a great mom. My story could be I leave a blessed mark wherever I go.  My story can be whatever I want.

But I need to look at it.  What am I telling myself, what I do believe to be true?  And is it? No more hiding, no more fairy tales.  The princess is a queen now and stories are in the open.  Whether pretty, ugly, sad or uplifting, I own them.  I invite you to look at your stories.  What are you telling yourself, and is it true?  We all have many stories through our lives.  We can change them, we can write another chapter.  It is all in our hands.  But mainly be sure the story still fits.  Don’t try to live in outgrown skin.   Make a new story, and fill it with love.

Namaste

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attachment, Daily Life, Growth, Love, Relationships

Can I Really Dis- Attach?

Attachment has been coming up a lot for me this week.  Attachment to things, situations, relationships, all kinds of things.  It seems like each time I check out Facebook there is some kind of quote on attachment.  Attachment reminders are all around me these days.

I keep wanting things to stay the same, it is like safety net in some ways.  For instance, I had a possession that I have been holding on to for awhile.  Even though I didn’t really treasure it, I always thought well, if I ever need it……    But this last week it was taken out of my hands.  I let someone else make a decision around it.  I gave that person instructions about letting go of it and she disregarded that and made her own choice.  Before I knew it, it was gone. At first I was taken aback, but then I thought a different way.  The clinging to it, the attachment was gone.  Not by my hand, but maybe that is the way it had to happen.  Because I felt a little freer. Like I could not quite make that choice, so the Universe made it for me.

I have a relationship in my life I am attached to. And I can see some shifting around that.  I might have to let it go. I don’t really want to, it brings me joy and pleasure.  But some things have happened around the relationship which may bring it an end. Is that Life’s way of saying “let go”?  I am not sure yet, but I at least have to look at it.

A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there’s work to be done…….Ram Dass

I have to listen to those signs.  What is coming into my awareness?   When I am sleeping (even though awake) it is easy for me to pass by the clues that I don’t really want to see.   If I see, hear or feel something, but disregard it, that does not mean it is not real. It means that I choose not to acknowledge it because it challenged my attachment.  The more I am attached to something the less awake I am to change and growth.

Because I am awakening it is harder for me to ignore the signs along the path.  And more and more I know everything means something.  All kinds of signals come my way.  I heard what you said, I saw the sign,  I felt the wrongness in my stomach. I knew it felt bad, I could feel the loss of personal power and choice.  Because I am attached to the idea, the belief, the person, the possession. the safety, the status quo, the past, my story I disregard the signals.

I am attached to so much, and does it serve me?  Only to a point.  When attachment impedes my growth it is not serving me.  When attachment holds space in my life keeping out newness it does not serve me.  When attachment keeps me feeling safe, that is an illusion. When I am attached to an outcome that is a set up for frustration and disappointment.

attachment So can I let go and let life happen?  I want to.  I did this week, a baby step.  I let go of a possession that I had been clinging to .  And I did it gracefully.  After a small feeling of shock and feeling an empty spot, i let go.  I even said thank you to the Universe for helping me dis attach. The relationship?  I am not sure yet, but at least I am willing to look with fresh eyes.  To not cling blindly and without thought.  I may make a choice which seems the same on the outside but has been made from a different mindset.

Sometimes I confuse attachments with love. It is easy to do.  Both have similar feelings for me. But they go down very different paths, and that is the trick, staying on the path of love.  Not straying off into attachment. Because attachments have expectation around the outcome, and often those are not met. For instance, I love my son. Simply love him. But I do have some attachments around that. Way less that I used too, but I am attached to the idea he loves me back.  I am attached to the idea he will stay in my life. I love him clearly, without judgement, without needing to change him, without wanting to control him.  The attachments I have are around how I want our relationship to play out. And I have to keep that separate in my mind.  When I become frustrated or hurt, this is not about the love, this is about the attachment.  And the attachment keeps me a little needy and a little powerless.  So if nothing else, I can recognize that and take the lesson.

I know this, attachments seem comforting in the beginning.  Whether it is a thought, a belief, a person, a situation, a possession.  But at some point when the agreement is not given freely attachments can become my burdens.  They stop me from living from a place of choice and freedom.  So I work on that.  I recognize when I am attached and look at how important that is to me.  Can I let it go?  Can I be free of that?  Can I have a different thought? Can I take a different path?  When I can do that I am free to enjoy what life has placed before me.  I don’t look to see where this is going, I don’t push the river.  I can be in the moment, I can dis attach and enjoy my life. I let go of worry on the future, I release the bindings of the past.  So this week that is what I am working on.  Dis-attachment and simply staying in the moment.  Letting Life take me down the road.  Because I can never be empty.  The Universe will always fill the spaces I open when I release.  I am open to the joy and love coming my way and I am making room for it.

Namaste

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Change, Choice, Growth, lov, Love, Relationships, self love

It is Not About Them, It Never Was

This week I have been on vacation.  I have had a lot of time to myself to relax my mind and do some self reflection.  A few days ago I was sitting out by some water doing a guided meditation on self love. It took me down some paths I did not see coming.  As I was letting the words stay in the background I was thinking about a couple of circumstances in my life now.  Both of these things have given me much stress and angst. On the surface they are appear different, but I looked for a common thread.

I realized I have looking for validation in both places.  Looking outward, saying prove how much you want me, prove I am valuable to you.  Won’t you sacrifice this or that for me?  Aren’t  I worth it?  Oh my gosh, this is not about them and what they have been doing, this is about me. Okay then, that doesn’t feel as good.  Where did this start?

Was it my ex husband?  We were married for 20 years.  During that time his drinking took him over.  My story has been that he choose alcohol over me.  But that is just my story, what I have told myself, and then the world.  I don’t know that to be true.  I don’t know what it is like to be an alcoholic. I don’t know that even he had a choice. And if he did, the choice is his to live with. It is time to let my story go and have a new thought about it.  I don’t know how that looks yet, but I know something shifted.  Maybe I choose happiness, sanity, a better life over living with an alcoholic.

I kept on with the meditation letting the voice fall into the background as I dug deeper.  Could this go back farther?  You know, my mom was not easy.  I could write story after story about her.  At my moms core she did not feel loved.  I know my mom loved me as best she could, but there were lots of lessons around that. So if I can just look at that I can see she had a lot of “prove your love” in her.  Love wasn’t given freely, it had to be earned.  You had to be “worth” it.  I saw that in how she moved through the world.  I saw that in her relationships.  I saw that in how she taught me about being in love.  She never loved herself, she felt unlovable and these were my first lessons.

And I took those lessons out in the world.  I had a dad who balanced much of my mom.  I knew I was loved, my family loved me.  I was not ignored or abused.  One thing my mom always said is ” I want my children to have a dad that loves them, I never had that”.  That was important to her, that we felt loved. Still I was little girl learning about life and love from my moms example.  And I think I might be finally sorting out these lessons.

Keeping on with my meditation I had a moment of ‘I will remove this person from my life’.  And at the same time the podcast said ” you can’t reject any part of you, you have to love everything”.  At that moment I saw that removing a person only left room for the same thing to happen over again.  It didn’t really fix anything.  Because it is not about them, it never was.  Both of these circumstances that are playing out have happened multiple times before.  It really is  a here we go again feeling. Okay, who is creating this?  Me, I am. Everything around me has been by choice, my invitation. I can consciously accept that and start to make a change.

Because it seems at the core of all of this is me saying if you love me, if you value me, prove it.  I want you to sacrifice for me.  I choose men who would have to give up something to be with me.  This last one, he would have to move 500 miles, giving up living by his family, his children, in a community he has grown up in. He would have to give up his job, basically everything to be with me.  If he is not willing to that , well then what, he didn’t love me enough?  I wasn’t worth it?  And this is just the last one, this is a pattern.  Because shutting him out,  deleting him, I will just replace him with something similar.  Someone who has to make some kind of sacrifice to prove they love me.  Love should not be this hard.

It is not just relationships.  I see this played out in other ways throughout my life.  It comes up in employment a lot.  I  end up frustrated and feeling devalued.  It will take years, but it happens.  Then I make a change, and end up years later in a similar situation.  Sometimes with long time friends, I see them move on to different friends, lifestyles and I feel rejected.  I am better with that now, but it has played out in the past.  It seems when I have time and an emotional investment in something or someone I have set it up so that at some point I need them to choose me. Prove they love me.  It seems I am needy that way,  I have to let that go.

So this was never about them,  it is always about me.  About my growth, my lessons, my being willing to look at things differently and have a different story.  I am not unworthy of love, I am not unlovable, I am not my mother. I don’t have to keep repeating those lessons.  She never learned differently, she never really trusted love.   I don’t have to draw circumstances into my life where I feel like being loved is a win. I can let go of the need to prove myself through others that I am lovable.  I can let this go.  Maybe not overnight, these lessons are almost hard wired in, but I control my thoughts and I can have a different thought.  I can say I am ready to be loved just as I am.  I don’t have to earn your love and you do not have to prove you love me. We can let be easy, we can let it flow. I can start here, in my 3rd act, ready to be open and learn a new truth about myself.

Because it is not about them, it never was.

Namaste

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forgiveness, Growth, Inspiration, Love, Relationships

Second Chances

Second chances, we get them sometimes.  A chance to make amends, to forgive or be forgiven. I had one of those come up for me recently.  When my mom died hurt feelings were left behind with 2 people who I have known and loved my entire life. Circumstances around honoring my mothers wishes fell to me.  And because of that I had to make choices that did not include them.  And I always felt they were mad at me, that they held me responsible.  And I really hated that, but I didn’t know how to make it right.

Now 3 years have passed, and I get a Christmas card from them. First one ever.  It was in response to my sisters illness, just saying thank you for watching out for her.  A nice card.  It opened the door a little bit for me.  I thought I should call and thank them, but I was afraid.  Afraid all the pain of my mother dying would be fresh again,afraid all the decisions would have to justified.  Afraid the card was not really an opening, but just a politeness. So I sat the card aside, but never let it go in my mind.

Lately something has been changing inside me.  I want to clean up my side of the street. I want to heal wounds I have carried and created.  I want to be open and honest and real. More and more I am telling people I love them.  Not just my family, I have always said that to them, not even old friends, they know that.  But those people who are important to me. Who I love and maybe I have never said that to them.

I think somewhere in my mind saying “I love you” carried some responsibility, some sense of commitment….scary stuff to me.  That is kind of shifting for me.  Now loving you, means I love you.  I care about you, I care that you are happy and healthy.  That your life has value to me. That I am joyful to be with you.  I does not mean I owe you, or I am responsible for you. i do not have to make you happy.  I do not have to heal you.  I can simply Love you. For me, this is freeing, it opens the door to all kinds of Love.

Back to the card….. Yesterday I called them.  I was a little hoping I would get the answering machine.  But no, she answered. After the first couple of sentences the awkwardness was gone.  I simply said “Thank you for sending the card, it meant a lot to me”. And then we just started talking, about family, about life. We brushed on my mother but did not dwell there.  Maybe someday I can explain, maybe I don’t need to.  Maybe it is done and forgiven without words.  This is what I know, before we hung upsecond chance she said ” I love you, please stay in touch”.  And I felt forgiven, I felt so much guilt disappear. I felt healing in my soul.

But here is the deal, I was lucky.  They are still here for me to have had that conversation with.  I am ever aware it could be different.  If something would have happened I would have never known I was forgiven.  I know forgiveness starts inside.  I know the real forgiveness is me forgiving myself.  And on many levels I have done that.  I was in an impossible circumstance and I did my very best.  I forgive myself for any missteps I made during that time.  But a piece of me needed to know they were okay with me, that they understood and still loved me.  And I got that chance, I had that moment.

So don’t wait, don’t wonder.  Timing is important.  In the thick of things it is hard to get a true perspective, from either side.  But don’t drag it out.  I waited three years, anything could have happened during that time.  I would have carried those thoughts (that were not even true) for the rest of my life.  I would have always wondered.

I must look at my self also.  Where do I need to forgive?  What am I holding on to?  If someone needs a second chance with me, am I ready?  Have I healed?  Can I be gracious and be open to the idea we can have a better ending?  I want to be that person, I am working towards that.  Maybe just taking the first step is half the battle.

I have to let go of ego, or the I am justified feeling. I need to take down the fences I keep up because I think they keep me safe from rejection.   Looking inside myself I don’t want to carry those feelings.  Those feelings stand in the way of my good, those feelings keep me trapped.  Perhaps those feelings at some point protected me from what I perceived as vulnerability or further hurt. There comes a time when those walls do more to keep me in than others out.

I know now to grow I must be vulnerable, I must willing to be open and honest.  I think most of my growth has come through pain. Joy is wonderful. Happiness, peace, these are places my soul can rest in.  But pain, growth, soul searching, vulnerability, these places make me strong and whole. I must experience it all to be complete.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. Kahlil Gibran.

So be willing to open the shell, to grow and see a different ending.  Be willing to forgive and be forgiven.  Forgiveness is not about condoning bad behavior or letting anyone use you, or lessen the person you are.  Forgiveness (for me) is about letting go of the picture I thought should have happened and accepting what really did.  It is about moving past that moment, taking the lesson and growing into a new idea or belief. It is about seeing the relationship in its wholeness, not just one piece of it. It is about letting go, moving on, and being free.  Free from anger, free from bitterness, free from pain.

If you have a chance, if your moment comes, take it. Whether it is about forgiving or being forgiven, it is one coin.  There is wholeness when both sides come together.  You cannot have one without the other.  Even if what ends up happening is you forgive yourself, that is enough.  That is more than enough. Still, there is a certain beauty when two souls come together in healing.

May your life be filled with second chances.

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Change, Growth, Love, Relationships

Love With a Capital L

Can I accept all the love the Universe offers me no matter the form it comes in? How available am I to be loved in ways that are a little different from what I want? Do I simply relax and say yes?  I think so.

I spent the last 48 hours surrounded by love.  I have had 2 days of sharing time with people that love me and who I love back.  All of these visits, meetings, sharing, were unrelated. I just kind of fell onto a pathway of love.  There was a visit, then a lunch, then a conversation, then a visit, then a phone call, another visit and I have an event tonight with a dear friend.  All people who are so valuable to me and who love me all in different ways. An interesting note, not one of those loved ones are blood family.  But they are my family, they are my tribe. They are the people I have chosen to love.

So many different kinds of love.  We go through life building relationships, all kinds.  Family, friend, work, romantic, church, community.  As we move ahead these all change over time.  And that is what I mean, can I accept love, however it comes?

Right now I am struggling to change within a relationship that has changed.  I want it to be the same, but it is not. And I don’t know where to put these feelings.  This change comes from life circumstances that neither of us had any control over. But she has changed, and I have to love her in a different way now.  Our relationship has to find new footing, the old path does not fit.   I think I have to be gentle and kind and breathe through it. I have to be honest and share my feelings and be willing to hear hers.  I have to stay in a place of non judgement and no expectations.  I have to let the Universe do its work through me and through her.  Because she is my sister we will always be connected.  That is, for us, a given. Her path is hard right now.  There are also lessons for me in this. A willingness to let go of what was, and love what is.  Does it always come down to “Love what Is”?  Maybe, standing in the past, holding on to the days that have passed is a lonely way to live.

Hafiz

I love this quote by Hafiz. If we could just love each other, as we are, as we stand here. Can we accept that people are going to grow, are going to change, are going to not want the same relationships that we do, and love them anyway?   Can we not put conditions around how we love, who we love, why we love?  Can we just love?  There is a belief that there is nothing you can do to earn God’s love and nothing you can do to lose it.  Can we love like that?  Can I love like that?

Because this is not about my sister, that was simply my strongest example.  This is about everyone in my tribe.  This is about my son, and loving him even when…. This is about my friends and knowing they have their own lives, be willing to take the amount of love and time they have to share, and not judging that. Or comparing, or keeping a list. This is about men who I have loved when the relationships went south. Can I stay in a place of love even then? Can a different kind of relationship develop?  Can I accept that as our path this time around?  Can I keep seeing love when basic beliefs are different from mine, and yet I love the person? Can I have a loving physical relationship and be good with the limitations around that?  Can I love old friends from afar, knowing our time together ran its course?  Can I have all of these loves and more, and not say “you owe me”. Can I take what is offered and celebrate that?

The answer to that is yes, most of the time. Not always, sometimes I feel sad, or lonely.  I might feel rejected, I might be having a pity party.  But really, that is only sometimes, and doesn’t really last.  It lasts long enough for me to remember who I am and who you are.  We are love, We are of the Universe, we are here to create, to learn and grow.  And our greatest teacher is Love.  We crave it, we name it, we judge it, we cling to it, we cry when we perceive it lost. We lose our minds, our perspective and our sense of self.  All in the name of love.

But let us look at LOVE, love with a capital L. Love comes from Source, Love is energy, Love lets us believe in ourselves.  We see ourselves more gently when we look at ourselves through another’s loving eyes. Love lifts us, Love makes us strong. Love makes us compassionate, Love sets us free.

So when I can stay in the place of Love with a capital L. I can have 48 hours of bliss.  I can welcome all kinds of love coming my way.  And the more I welcome, the more that appears.  Rumi returns with “What I seek is seeking me”. I court Love, I invite Love in.  All Love, all Love is welcome.  I am going to move forward into my day seeking Love, not judging, no conditions, no requirements. Because Love only wants my greater good, only lifts me higher.  Open mind, open heart and ready to claim all the Love the Universe can send my way.  I invite you to join me in welcoming Love with a capital L.

Namaste

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