I am taking a new class.  It is a short 4 week class on the book The 5 Levels of Attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.  I have read about half the book now.  If you have read anything by Don Miguel you know have to read it over and over.  I have read the 4 Agreements so many times I can quote it (in my sleep).  But each time it goes deeper and I have more understanding.  I think that is how The 5 Levels of Attachment will be.  I have only had one class, but as soon as it was offered I jumped at the chance to take it.  Because I attach easily and I am not sure why.

It helps me to have a formula to recognize my roles and how I am playing them out.  I don’t want to go over the book too much (you can read and decide for yourself).  For me, to be able to say I am at level 1 or 3 or 2 helps me step outside the situation and gives me some breathing room. A moment to assess and recognize where I am at and if is this where I want to be.

I have one big attachment right now.  Sure, its a relationship one.  If I could just let go of the fantasy I have built around this person and the future my life would be better.  I am trying, but it keeps coming back for different reasons. When I look at this situation unemotionally it is nothing I want, so let it go right? Easier said than done.  Do I just want to win? Do I want to be right? Do I want the power that comes with surrender from another? Do I want to believe that love conquers all?  Is this even love, probably not. It might be about control.  Isn’t it enough to just control my own life, do I have to direct all players in it also?  That is tiring and really doesn’t work.  People are going to do their own thing, I know I am.

It So this is another journey, this dis-attaching. I am thinking start small, get some skills and work up to the larger issues. I know my life will be more joyful, calmer and closer to Spirit once I clean house.  Another way of letting go and being more authentic, more free, more open to the truth. Clarity, seeing myself as I really am, this is the goal. Wish me luck, this one is going to take some time.

I feel like I am waiting for something.  I am not sure what.  Things have changed so much for me in the last 2 years.  I have gone from living in a family home with my son and his girlfriend to a granny unit over a garage at a house where I am a stranger.  I have gone from caring for my son, our dogs and my mother to caring only for myself. My mom is gone now, my dad also. My sister and I used to live around the block from each other, now we are separate, but still in the same town. I often feel lost, I often feel alone

.  Yes on the surface it looks good.  I have a good job, a sister who is my best friend, a son who loves me, beautiful close friends that I spend time with, safe housing in a well maintained environment among friendly people who welcome me, a church I resonate with and that gives me acceptance and guidance and the security of living in a community where I have grown, and raised a family.  I cannot walk into a place and not feel familiar with someone. So what is my problem?

This is another transition and I am getting older and running out of time.  I never really feel this is it, I am at the place I belong.  I didn’t feel it in my marriage.  I knew someday I would lose my home. We all know someday our parents will pass.  When I lived with my son and my heart daughter I knew it was temporary. Each job has been a stop along the way.  Even friends change with time.  Almost always I keep my friends but circumstances and rhythms of our lives change. I have never,  in any romantic relationship, known that forever kind of feeling. Maybe when I was starry eyed 18 and a bride, but that changed and at some point i knew that we were not destined for forever.

All of those situations have brought me to today, and I have mostly loved and appreciated the moments.  There have been very hard times, painful times that have taken my breath and left me on my knees.  Even those times have a tragic beauty that have shown me new doors.  There is a saying “With each loss comes freedom.”.  Man, is that true for me.  I have never been so free, so unencumbered, so open for life to come in.  For the first time, I think in my life, it is just me.  My last vestiges of responsibility were stripped from me last year when I lost my home and walked away from all I had known and built.   So now what?  I feel alone, sometimes it is very freeing and almost exciting.  But I am getting older and I feel like time is slipping away.  I want to find my place and I want that forever kind of love. Are those things not for me in this lifetime? Is that one of my lessons?  I don’t know, I keep trying, I keep my mind and my heart open but the days pass and then the weeks and then the months.

This is not to say I sit around sad and lonely, that is not the case.  Each day is full and the hours fly.  I sleep good and my only true concern is financial, and don’t most of us feel that.  I am a happy person with a joyful spirit.  But there a darkness to each of us. To deny that is to bury it.  It will come for me one way or another.  I would rather sit in the darkness for a minute knowing it is my friend and here to teach me.  That way I can step into the light cleanly not afraid, just acknowledging there are many sides to myself. I love them all.

So now I set out on my day. It happens to be Sunday, there is church, a birthday, a meet up with my son, good food, good love, good friends.  My goodness surrounds me.  And during this transition I will celebrate, enjoy and await my next adventure, hoping to find my place and my forever love.

So I am at the coffee shop last weekend with a friend.  I ask her what she wants, a regular latte. I say ok, I am going to get an iced one. So she says oh well, I will just get iced also. What? Why? Well it will be easier for them. So what, get what you want.  Don’t give up what you want to make it easier for someone else.  Truth is, the barista could care less. My girl got regular, I got iced, everyone was happy.

When did we start doing that? I think it was young.  We grew in an age where you don’t rock the boat, make nice for everyone.  Put others needs first. I am so done with that.  And you know what, when you are with me, you are done with too.  We don’t get to shrink back anymore.  We put ourselves at the front of our lives. 

Here is what I know…if I do not respect and honor myself no one else will.  People will either take advantage of me or feel sorry for me.  Neither of those are acceptable. People will take there lead from me on how to treat me.  If I walk in expecting to be treated decently, and give the same, then that is what I will receive.  Playing small, standing back serves no one.  We lift others up by expecting more and showing the way.

One time a friend said that I was the star of my life.  Well yes, and you should be too.  Is was not an egotistical observation. This is not about me being better or above anyone at all.  It is just that my life, is the most important life to me.  We are here to love each other, learn from each other and interact on a variety of planes, but we truly are individual beings moving through this life. 

So even with the small things, like coffee, get what you want.  Make your choice and own it. Because those small things are the blocks we build our foundations on.  At the end of the day loving and honoring yourself gives you room to love and honor others. 

Namaste

Is Sunday morning the beginning or end of a week?  Do I set my intention today for the week ahead or do I gather my lessons from the week left behind and settle them in my mind? I guess it is both. Sunday is like a bridge for me.  I spend time gathering my thoughts and feelings from what I have experienced recently.   I see where there was hurt or dis ease in my life.  I try to figure out why, I try to move past those experiences.  I celebrate the joys and gifts I was given. I have so very many blessings, Sunday being one of them. I learn from those also, as joy and love are the bricks I stand on to reach the good life.   But Monday looms ahead and the world is knocking at my door.  All the “to do’s” return, that is the rhythm of my life right now. So on Sunday I look for peace and reflection, I look for time in nature, I spend time with Spirit, i spend time with those I love, my family, my friends, I ready myself for world.  Yes Sunday is my bridge……….. 

I can barely read the news anymore.  I try everyday, I get up, I sit down at my computer and I click AOL news or Mail Online or some news source.  I start with the headlines, there is always terrible news story headlining the page.  4 people dead, young women kidnapped, a fathers pain, a mother grief.  And I scroll down, looking for something, anything that will keep me there.  Sometimes I find a compelling story and I start reading it. It gets in my body, it gets in my brain, it gets in my soul.   I just cannot handle the news.  Its overwhelming, the amount of pain in the world. 

Are we too big now?  Has the internet opened us up so much that the pain and outcry is global instead of local.  I love the internet, it has connected the world in a way that nothing else could ever have done.  And I want to know about what is going on in the world, the world has become smaller, and it is my world.  But I become overwhelmed with the sadness and the pain, and that does not help my world.

I believe I can change the world  by being a light in the world.  By being a beacon of love, of hope, of peace.  And perhaps the people that benefit most are right here in my life, my town, my community.  And those people, oh my gosh, they are so important.  These are my people. I can get outraged that children in Nigeria have been abducted but my upset, anger and fear around that do not help me transfer loving energy to people that I actually can help. I need to be able to give the homeless man sitting on the street an honest look from one human to another. I need to be able to soothe an upset co worker with laughter.  I need to be able to tell my son, my sister, my friends that life is good and love is here for all.  I have to come from a place of peace and love to do that.

So I will continue to try to be informed.  And if it is local news, something I can effect, then I am right there.  But I no longer apologize, even to myself, for passing by many of the news stories flooding my space, clogging my brain and wounding my heart.  I will stand in a place of love, of peace, of joy.  I choose to save my energy for those things.