Category Archives: Relationships

Daily Life, friendship, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

Sharing our Stories

Are you listening to me?  I had this experience yesterday; an acquaintance asked how my sister was doing.   As I shared about her I could see he was not listening.  He looked engaged, his face was pointed at me, but something was off.  As soon as I finished my sentence he launched into a story about himself and an experience he had.  So really you just want to talk about yourself.  Do you ask me these questions as an opening for talking about yourself?  Do you even care or remember what I said? I don’t think so.

 Thing is, he is nice guy, he didn’t even see what he did.  He probably thinks we had a nice conversation.  His experience was so very different than mine.  And it happens all the time. While we are listening we are preparing our next thought, our response,our words.  And maybe we are missing some really important stuff.

Being heard is essential to our well being.  What happens when we feel heard?  We feel acknowledged, we know we matter, that what we think and say has substance and is important.  Important enough for someone to stop their own thoughts and listen to ours. It is validating. 

So why does this happen, where we jump forward in our thoughts before we hear out the other person?  I think one reason is that people want to share their stories. We want connection.  Long long ago we shared our stories, we shared our lives around the hearth, at the sewing tables, while preparing meals,  during long dark winters. People shared stories. That was how we learned our history and our life lessons.   That is innate in us, that need to communicate and be connected. Somehow we have lost those storytelling skills. But not the need for the storytelling. 

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
Maya Angelou

So we are all out here trying to tell our story, in a fast paced electronic world. I am sitting here alone in my apartment typing my story to share with you.  Things have changed so much, our world has both grown and shrunk.  But we still need that human connection, hearing the voice, seeing their eyes, sharing laughter and smiles one to one.  Yesterday I was with my sister and I had something to tell her but we busy at that moment.  So I said ” oh it’s a whole story” and her response was ” great I like stories”.  Yes we like to share our stories, but we need to listen to the stories being offered to us. 

Because that is the other part, we are so darn busy.  My life is simple and I am busy.  Life gets busy, all kinds of things fills our days:  raising families, working, maybe 2 jobs, doing volunteer work, have a scheduled workout routine, finding time for friends, being involved the church, being a caretaker, a million things make up the tapestry of our lives. Listen?  For that we have to slow down. We have to make time. We have to. 

I know to have anything manifest in my life I have to become that thing.  If I want love, I must be love. If I want peace, I have to be in a place of peace,   Want joy? Be joy. So if I want you to listen to my story, I have to listen to yours.  And as always,  it starts with me. I have to put out the energy for it to return to me. I want to be heard,. I want to tell my story.  I want you to listen to me, acknowledge me, actually hear me. So I am going to go out in the world and listen the stories.  Really hear them.  To not think about how I want to respond, what I am going to say.  But listen, and then take a breath and say to the person, thank you for sharing your story. I have learned something from you.  I appreciate you trusting me with your story.  And then, when the time is right, I know I can share my story and really be heard.

“In those moments when we tell stories together,
we are most truly human and most genuinely ourselves.”
Jeannine Pasini Beekman

Namaste

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Daily Life, Gratitude, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirit

The Gratitude Season

Starting November 1st I am doing 30 Days of Gratitude.  With all that has happened lately and the holidays coming up this seems timely for me.  And of course here in America it is the Thanksgiving season, so thankfulness, gratitude, appreciation, all of that is blooming.

gratitude II

How my 30 days looks is like this:  I have  a Facebook  page and I will simply post each evening whatever I am grateful for that day.  In addition I am exchanging a gratitude text with my sister each night and maybe one other friend.  I haven’t heard back from him yet.  I want to do those personal ones because they are both so very important to me and sharing this will only strengthen our bonds.

I haven’t always been grateful, at least actively.  I took so much for granted.  I think that’s just being young.  I felt immortal, I was self absorbed. I was in a rush and the intensity level was high. I had many lessons to learn, one of them has been gratitude.

“I have learned over a period of time to be almost unconsciously grateful–as a child is–for a sunny day, blue water, flowers in a vase, a tree turning red. I have learned to be glad at dawn and when the sky is dark. Only children and a few spiritually evolved people are born to feel gratitude as naturally as they breathe, without even thinking. Most of us come to it step by painful step, to discover that gratitude is a form of acceptance.”
― Faith Baldwin, Many Windows, Seasons of the Heart

I have to say I am pretty grateful everyday in all kinds of ways.  The older I am the more grateful I am, and it’s for the simple things. The blue sky, the rain, the changing leaves, a gentle touch, humor, a phone call, a text, a warm bed, food,….I think these were all today.  It has been a process, a Practice actually.  I have had to be conscious of my thoughts.  I have had to look for gratitude.  It did not bloom overnight. But now gratitude comes naturally, every day I am grateful. And I know, and I speak it and I share it.

With gratitude comes calmness, peace, harmony, joy, love, acceptance, all the things I searched for.  I find them through being grateful. And even when times are hard, there is always, always something to be grateful for.  And the more I feed gratitude, the more my life settles into a pattern of Peace, a pattern of Joy.

Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

So yes, even though it sounds simplistic be grateful you wake up, start there. Be grateful for the coffee, or the tea, or the hot shower.  You could be grateful for 10 things first thing in the morning.  It does not always have to be the big stuff, small stuff matters.  Because the little things, those are the things that make up our life.  And when we have a pattern of gratefulness for the small things, when something big arrives, whether it looks like trouble or not, you can move easily and gracefully into gratitude.  It will be your “go to” place. Because all of our lessons are not easy.  Sometimes they are scary, hard, sad, confusing, even then stay in gratitude, It will bring you through with ease and grace.

I invite you to join me in 30 Days of Gratitude. Do it your way, whatever feels good to you. Write it down, whisper it to the sky, share with friends, have it be the voice of your heart.  There are no rules, you decide. Do one a day, three a day, whatever works. Say thank you.  You don’t have to believe in a certain God for this, you could say thank you to yourself. You could thank you to Universal Energy, you could say thank you to the Trees, you could say thank you to Father Time, Mother Nature.  It doesn’t matter, because this is for you, to make your life better, do it your way.  But do it. It is the path to Peace and Joy.

And for today, I am grateful to be sharing myself with you………

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Daily Life, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

A Little on Forgiveness

Forgiveness, if that is not key to living a beautiful life I don’t know what is.  For me, growing up, forgiveness always came from others.  I looked for forgiveness from others.  I was taught that way.  So whatever I did wrong it could not be made right until someone forgave me for it.  Forgiving myself was never mentioned.  And in turn, I could forgive others for whatever they did.  Say “I am sorry”, “Its okay, I forgive you”, how many times did we hear those things?  And I am not faulting my parents, they doing their best to raise a good girl. Basing my sense of self on whether someone did or did not forgive me gave away  my autonomy.  Of course when raising a “good girl” that may have been a goal.

But now I am grown and everything I knew when I was young had to be looked again.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

-Buddha

Forgiving someone, in the traditional “I forgive you” sense,  holds a certain power over the person.  It is a control issue,  Without someone’s forgiveness a wrong I have done is held over my head.  I cannot move on, because they don’t forgive me, they are still mad.  It is like holding a little piece of me hostage.  Same if I am holding out on forgiveness for someone else.  I am still mad at you, you can’t be happy.  I need you to feel bad until I am done being mad, and then I will forgive you.  Like I get to decide when you can be happy.  We see this all the time in relationships of all kinds.

It’s time to let those games go. That takes forgiveness and warps its true beauty and intent. Over and over these past years I have seen how forgiving is really about setting myself free. Its never really about the other person. I think the first time it really came home to me was in a relationship that had blown up.  You know, he done me wrong. And I was mad, for a long time. And I suffered.  And somehow in my little brain I thought he was suffering too.  I was mad at him, I did not forgive him, he must be miserable.  And then one day I ran into him, and he was fine. Not miserable, not suffering, fine. And I realized he did not need  my forgiveness to move forward.  I was the only one walking around with anger and hurt, holding on to those uncomfortable feelings.  Now whether he forgave himself, or simply never thought he was wrong, I don’t know. But he moved forward to live happy.  So I had to look at that.

Now over and over I have learned how forgiving really releases me from the situation.  Its not about condoning bad behavior.  Its not about saying it is okay.  We never have to accept that for ourselves or anyone. It is about not holding on to the anger that only poisons us. What do I  want in my body?  How do i want to feel?  I get to decide that.  Because really, if I am mad at you and holding on to that then I am the only one effected by my thoughts and feelings.  If you truly forgive yourself for your part, you do not need my forgiveness.  And when I can forgive myself for my wrongs, I am free.

A CSL minister whose name escapes me said “If I see you and I do not smile, I have work to do”

Another friend said just the other day “when I wake in the morning I think, who do I have to forgive today”.

This is all about setting ourselves free.  Free from holding on to unpleasant, uncomfortable and unhealthy feelings. Free from the false belief that we can (or need) to control others by bestowing or withholding our forgiveness.  It is hard enough to move through all of these thought and emotions that make up our lives without taking on someone else’s.

So what do you think? What anger can you let go of so your life can move forward.  Where can you forgive to free yourself?  It is never about them, it is always about you.  Remember that, they will move forward and your forgiveness it not needed for them, but it is needed for you.  Let us live happy, let us live free, let us forgive.

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Daily Life, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

A Box of Darkness

box of darknessMy friend posted this today.  I have posted this sentiment on Facebook myself in the past.  I have had conversations around it. I guess its time to write about it.

A box of darkness, when I hear this, I think of my Mom.  My mom was really dark. She was angry, and sad, and bitter, and all closed up.  And yet she yearned for love, for connection.  It all goes back to her childhood and never feeling loved, wanted, accepted.  I know all of this because she told me, many times. She spoke of her abuse and I know she left much out in that area.  But I can put together the pieces.  It was not good.

So as grown woman having a relationship with my mom there were a lot of challenges. She lived 15 years after my dad died and our lives became more intertwined. As she grew older she isolated herself more, the anger, the bitterness grew.  I tried to take it on.  I tried to help her out of the dark place. I would suggest friends, activities, all kinds of things.  She would shut that down fast, always a reason to not partake.  We would spend time together but the quality suffered.  I finally accepted her terms letting her be., It was better for our relationship which I did not want to lose.

I could not  fill the void that my dad had left, no one could.  He stood between her and the world. I am not sure if he protected her, I think it was more he protected the world from her.  By the end of her life she had pretty isolated herself from her family and friends. She did not talk to her mom or her brother. The only ones left were myself, my son, my sister and her husband.  One by one mom shut everyone down. It was a big box of darkness.

So how can a box of darkness be a gift?   She trusted me, she loved me, she shared that scary part of herself knowing she was safe.  That is a gift. Knowing that someone can survive child abuse and move on to fiercely love her children is a gift. Because she gave me entry to her box of darkness I am more compassionate.  I can see that humans are fragile and yet incredibly strong.  I can see that even in the darkness there was beauty, there was song, there was laughter, there was love.

When I see darkness in someone I can handle that.  I am not afraid of it.  I don’t need them to hide it from me.  I am strong enough in my light to shine on your darkness. My mom taught me that.  Because if I could love her though all of that, I am good with loving you. That also, was a gift.

And I can see how very hard it is to share your darkness, to take that step.  We all have darkness. We all have those spots of anger, fear, sadness, shame.  That is our balance for the light.  How could you see the light without the dark to contrast.  My mom sharing her darkness makes me less afraid of my own.  I know I can survive the dark thoughts, the doubts, the demons.  I don’t have to feed them, but I don’t deny them either. I am a human female with all kinds of facets, I have to embrace that and love myself through it.

So yes,” someone once gave me a box of darkness and it took me years to understand that too was a gift.”. Perhaps more than light this gift brought me growth, understanding, compassion, and ultimately peace. There is no struggle to pretend,  I don’t have to hide my darkness.  But I don’t feed it either. Sometimes i am sad, scared, lonely. I look at the world and the horrible things humans do each other and I feel hopeless and angry. And it is okay to feel that. I know without a doubt even in the darkness there is Love, Light, Life, Peace, Power, Beauty and Joy.  And those are the things that I feed.

Thank you Mom, Namaste

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Daily Life, Relationships, Self

Looking in the Mirrors

A new person has appeared in my life and he is bringing up sorts of mirrors for me.  This is a work situation and I have no control over how much time I have to spend around him. Its been about 6 weeks now and it is not good.  I could go on and on about him and his irritants and faults, which are real, but is not really about him is it?  So lets leave him out of this.

I don’t like who I am around him.  I tried for weeks to blame him. And to be honest and fair to myself a lot of what I am feeling is really valid.  He lies, he manipulates, he evades, I don’t have much respect for his lifestyle.  All of this is true. But really who cares, he will be gone from my life at some point, that is a given.

For whatever reason the Universe has placed him on my path.  So there must a lesson here.  Just realizing and accepting that is freeing for me. I don’t have to fix him or the situation, that is not my responsibility.  But I can learn. I can look at myself through what he shows me.  He is a mirror for me.  I can figure why he triggers such a bitch response from me.  Because I am cutting him no slack, none.  And at this point I am hyper aware of any missteps from him and I respond quickly and without mercy. I am mean. And that is not really me.

So what is this? I know a huge part of it is my response to a male trying to come in and manipulate and control me.  I do not want to work it out, I do not want to come to an understanding. I do not want to compromise, I want to win. This keeps coming up for me.  I have to deal with this.  And now the Universe has put it in my face 40 hours a week.

I like men, I love men.  One of my best friends is a man.  My lover is a man.  I am comfortable with men, I enjoy them. But as soon as I feel disrespected or manipulated or controlled the claws come out. And with women I try harder, I am softer, I look at both sides.

But this harshness in me, I don’t like it. It’s not healthy.  How can I fix this? Well I can recognize it. I can step back and slow my reactions. I can see he is just a mirror for me to work on my issues.  I don’t want to spend my time in bitterness or anger.  I have to learn to separate my sense of self from how he treats me.  I have to give up control of the situation.  If he fools everyone for awhile, well I guess that is their mirror.  I am done reacting like a puppet and he pulling the strings, taking way too much of my energy.

I don’t have to fix anyone but me.  Actually I can’t, your road is your road and my path is my own. So next week when I go to work I will try so hard to have a different mindset.  To not see him as anything but a mirror for me to learn and grow from. Perhaps I can come out of this situation with a better sense of how to handle myself when a man tries to control me.  To look at him with eyes that see a person who is probably in pain and fear and does not have the emotional tools to let down the walls.

Because really we are all just humans trying to find some love and compassion.  Some safety, understanding and connection. I am not interested in connecting past co-workers with this man, but I would like to spend my day in grace and ease.  I know that starts with me. I can control my reactions, I can control where I spend my thoughts.  It is up to me which wolf I feed.  I know it won’t be easy. I know he pushes my buttons, but my job is figure why, use the teachings around that and go out in the world open, available and with love.

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Daily Life, Relationships

On Freedom and Love

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose…Janis Joplin

With every loss comes freedom….

So freedom, personal freedom.  I not talking about political freedom, religious freedom, freedom from persecution. I think we can all agree these are important.  I am talking about personal circumstances.  Last night a friend and I were talking.  She is losing a roommate and thinking that maybe she is ready to live alone.  Her husband died 6 or so years ago.  Since then she has had various roommates live in the house with her.  Now she is losing a longtime roommate and looking at making a change.

So driving home, I think about my life.  I am more free than I have ever been in my life. I don’t even have a fish.  I live alone.  All the people I am attached to live separate lives from me.  This is not to say we do not love each other and spend time together, but that our daily lives are not dependent on each other.  I took care of my mom a lot.  I was always concerned about her eating, her health,. her emotional state, but she passed away a couple of years ago and that role went with it.  I lived my son up until a couple of years ago.  I filled the mom role with that. What’s for dinner, how are you feeling?  How was your day? It was nice, having that time with him. But he is a grown up and moved into his own apartment and is living his own life.  Sure I still talk and text with him, but we are not interdependent on each other. 

I can do anything I want with my life, totally free to choose.  I do not have to consider anyone else when I make my daily or long term choices.  Is that freedom? I have been kind of stripped down, watching one person after another leave, losing my home and all that entailed. Letting go of keeping a pet.  This is the first time in my entire life I have lived without a pet, either dog or cat.  I miss that.  

Am I lonely? I don;t think so. I don’t sit around in the evenings sad or lost.  I eat dinner, watch some tv, go online, text with my people. I sleep good.  Sometimes I am a little lost, but it doesn’t last.  I take care of it, I connect with someone, I take a walk, go to the gym, something. If someone asked me, I would say I like my life, I feel good in it.  I like the people in it.  I like my community, I like the church I have chosen, I even like my job. 

So why do I feel like I need a partner in this?  Why do I continue on the search for romantic love? Why do I even need that?  I look at my friends who are married or in long term relationships and they are no happier than I am. Most are less happy. And yet they still strive to keep that connection. I was married for 20 years so I know long term. I have had relationships that have lasted multiple years. I was not happier in those than I am now. Do we need that angst and passion to feel alive, to feel connected  Is it at some cellular level we search for connection even if that does not makes us happy?  Are we searching for something beyond happy?  Maybe so.  Because it is in relationships that we grow, that we feel the deepest, that we stretch our minds and our souls to reach a place of love. Even though I am happy now, I felt more alive then. 

So right now, at this time in my life, I am free. I choose my days, I choose my nights.  It is a calm moment in my life readying me to reach out for the next storm.  Because it is in the storms I feel most alive.  That is where I shine, where I feel passion, energy and love.  So I guess the search continues.  Can I have love and freedom? I hope so.

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Daily Life, Relationships

Ignoring the Voice Inside

Every single time I ignore the voice inside I regret it.  How many times have I felt “something is wrong, this is off, this doesn’t feel right” but I push forward anyway ignoring the voice.  

So I have spent the last year trying to make a relationship into something that it is not.  And I knew it the whole time. Why??? What a waste of time and energy.  What a waste of my mind and my thoughts. What a waste of my emotions.  All of things could have been going to a place where they were wanted and celebrated. But no, I had to be right.  I had decided this was going to play out a certain way and hell or high water I could not let go.  Even though I knew it was a lost cause. My inner voice has been screaming at me, let it go, and I would not. 

I think there were a few reasons for this.  This was long distance so at first it was safe, I thought I would never meet him and surely nothing could be  so important between us that he or I would change our lives for it. I had been out of the relationship groove for about 2 years and this felt like a good way to jump back in. You know, I could still be single but dip my feet in the water so to speak. So he was the first to wake me up in awhile.  With all that has happened in my life the prior 2 years I was kind of locked up inside, and he had keys. And it felt good to be wanted and courted.  And my heart started beating again, and I got a little bit lost in him. And then everything changed. 

Reason 2, I asked the Universe to send me love.  I said to the Universe your choice.  Send me what I need.  Send me my good.  I tried to be open to something different.  To break the pattern of my prior choices and be open to whatever the Universe decided was right for me.  Color did not matter (well it never did), age, location, body type,  religion, social beliefs, I was trying to be open for anything.  I was trying to not place conditions on who I would love.  So the Universe sends this totally different guy from a culture I am not familiar with, lives far away, different religious beliefs,  different social beliefs, a  body type I would not normally go for , different health habits and I said ok, I will try. And try I did. And it was exhausting. 

Because over and over the past 6 months I have thought, this is not right.This does not feel right.  You should not have to try so hard, it should be more natural, come easier. I knew this in my heart and in my head and I kept trying.  I kept trying beyond what was emotionally healthy for me.  I was becoming less, not more.  His circumstances, his life, his conditions, desires, thoughts, they all took center stage.  And here I am the supporting cast.  I cannot live this way. I need balance, I need my life to be just as important as my partners. Not more, but certainly not less. I find that I give that up men way to easy (early training),  So I push the envelope with him. Not let him avoid me, ignore me, conveniently forget me.  All those things that are so easy to do long distance.

.And I become someone I do not want to be. I do not want to beg for attention. Oh my gosh there are plenty of people who actually love me and want to spend time with me. I do not need crumbs. Why would I not listen to that voice months ago that said get out, there is nothing for you here. I don’t know.  I still had lessons to learn but even that is not the real issue. I think this goes back to always putting others first even to my detriment. And that is something I need to explore more, on a different day.

Because today, I am free of him. I said the things that were important to me like “don’t tell me you are too busy, if someone is important to you, you make time for them.” LIke, ” part of me knows it is not about your circumstances, those are excuses.”  :Like” most of our relationship has been about you, and very little about me, do you even know my son’s name?” All of this was through texting as he cannot seem to have a conversation even over the phone. So then  I said let’s be done. Don’t call, don’t text, no Facebook, no Instagram, And I don’t want to be friends. I cannot go backwards with people.  Yes, he wants to say we are friends, but his idea of friends is too strange for me. Its all on his terms and all about him.  My friends talk to me, they care about me personally, not just me as I relate to them. I am trying not to think he is a selfish ass, but maybe he is.

So I am not sure of the lesson in all this.  I think and hope we are truly done.  We have been back and forth a couple of times already but it feels like more this time. I am exhausted from this, I am drained and I have nothing more to give. The only way it could recover is if he decided to step up and pour some love and energy my way and I do not see that happening. And even though part of me wants that, I know it would just be a temporary fix to something that has no solid ground under it.  

So let it go……….  Find the lesson, move forward, ask the Universe once again, send me love, but let me listen to the voice inside sooner rather than later.

Love, light, light, peace, power, beauty, joy

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Daily Life, Relationships

The Courage of Being Vulnerable

vulnerbility

Being vulnerable, not something I have really aspired to. It takes an extreme circumstance for me to show that I am vulnerable. I am pretty sure that goes way back to childhood. As I think back vulnerability was not encouraged. I learned to hide my feelings, I learned that you have to be strong. How many times did my mom say “tears mean nothing to me”, countless. Until tears became a weakness, a lessening of myself. There were a lot of masks in my house growing up. And certainly you never show your weakness, your vulnerability, your real feelings. Because someone could use them against you. These were lessons I learned as a girl. And I have carried those lessons right into my adulthood.

I know my mom had reasons that went back to her childhood for feeling this way. Good reasons that helped her survive a violent and scary family dynamic. Mom was only teaching us what she learned and how she survived. She did not ever want her daughters to be vulnerable to abuse or being used by the world. She taught us the only way she knew how. I understand that now.

But I am grown now and I can make changes in how I relate to the world. I can change how I see things. I can be different. I have come to see that being vulnerable takes enormous courage. I have to put myself out there. I have to say the truth about myself, how I feel, how I don’t feel, what I want, what is unacceptable. And then I have to wait for the response. Many times I do not receive back what I have put out. I get rejected, maybe laughed at, maybe felt sorry for.

If I say I love, but you don’t love me back, then what? If I tell you I am scared but you only portray yourself as strong do I feel less than? If I share how much I struggle to make it financially in this world is that something you can understand and relate to? If I say I am sad and lonely, can you feel that, or are you always happy and filled with the busyness of family and friends? Am I all alone in this?

Can I take those chances, would you understand? That is courage, to show the truth of yourself. It is not weakness, it is strength beyond strength. When I am honest and it falls on deaf ears the honesty sits inside me like a stone. Yes I want to always share my love, joy, light but I need to be able to show the fears, the anger, the loneliness to be balanced, to be whole.

Each time I don’t get the response; each time I see the glazed look on your face, or feel your silence reacting to my words I know that you are just not ready, or willing, to handle the rawness. But I can’t settle for anything less. I have enough superficial relationships in my life. I refuse to be halfway with those I love. There is a saying “If you cannot handle at my worst, you do not deserve me at my best”.

So I am going to keep going out on a limb, showing my vulnerability to those I should be safe with. No more covering up fear, or sadness. No more pretending not to have feelings just in case they don’t feel the same. No more playing the game of you show me yours first. I don’t want to live with a shell of protection around me. Yes it protects from those who might harm but it also keeps out love, honesty and grace. I am old enough and smart enough to be discerning in who I let in. And I trust myself…and I am learning to trust you.

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Relationships

Truth or Love?

Truth or Love? I took one of the those little tests today on Facebook and one of the questions was ” what is most important to you?”  There was a list of 5 or 6 things but I easily discarded most of them. And then I was down to Truth or Love and all of a sudden it was not so easy.

I am all about love, so immediately I was headed to love, but truth kept nudging me.  Really, do I pick love over truth?  Is there even love without truth?  Is that love?  Can I love someone without being honest?  Is that respectful?  Does it honor the other person?  Do I want to be loved without honesty?  I think not.  Or do I?  Do we have to say every little thing?  Couldn’t we just love each other knowing that sometimes we get to not say or share every piece of our thoughts.  Is that the kinder, gentler way?

Maybe it is a chicken or the egg question.  Which comes first love or truth?  Do I have to have love for someone to trust them enough for honesty?  Does someone have to love me to feel safe enough to show their true self?  Or do I start from a place of honesty and move into love from there, being open and vulnerable?  Does another’s honesty give me the room to love them?  Does being honest and open allow another to love me, the real me?

I think of people that I love, they do not know all about me.  No one knows all the sides of me.  Is that dishonest or just me giving each person the piece of me that fits them?  I have not found the person where all my pieces fit.  I am a sister, a mother, a friend, a lover, a relation and more.  All of these roles are filled with love for another.  But they are all different and no two loves are the same.  They all love me, but differently.  Each of these wonderful past and present relationships have brought great lessons and great love.  But I would not say every relationship has been completely honest on either side.

So I want to know the truth, I do not want to be fooled, tricked and lied to. But  temper the honesty with love and compassion.  Take the route that gives us both room to breathe and room to love.  Show me the real you, I will show you me.  But you and I get to keep our very souls and our thoughts and our minds.  Those are sacred to our being and belong to only us.

Truth or love…..I choose love.  How about you?

 

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Relationships

Make a New Agreement

heart in treeWe can change our minds at anytime about anything.  Last night a friend  made this simplest of statements ” I know I said yes to this, but now I am saying no”.  We were talking about attachments and at that point we were discussing relationships and the unspoken agreements we make to stay in relationships.  And how we become attached to those agreements long past their expiration date.

But the simplicity of just being able to say no.  Can I do that?  It sounds so freeing.  I don’t want to explain, I don’t want to justify, I don’t need a reason. I could just say” I know I said yes to this , but now I am saying no.”  I can  make a new agreement that better fits my needs today.  We don’t have to stay in old agreements when they no longer serve us.  Or when they did not create what we wanted in our lives.

Relationships are our greatest teachers, they hit places in us that nothing else can touch.  We show our vulnerabilities, we place ourselves positions that open us up for hurt and also great joy.  And relationships are where our agreements are the hardest to change.  From family to friends to lovers we have different agreements with everyone.  And the other player has made their own agreements.  Sometimes we get stuck and we don’t know how to change it. So we stay, we dwell in that place that no longer serves our greatest good.

Here’s the good news, we have a mantra now.  “I know I said yes to this, but now I am saying no.”  Say it to yourself, believe it and act as if it is already so.  Let’s see what happens, it will shake things up.  Create a new agreement, a better one.  The one that fits the person you are today.  Life is creation, go create.

Namaste

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