Tag Archives: honesty

Daily Life, friendship, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

Sharing our Stories

Are you listening to me?  I had this experience yesterday; an acquaintance asked how my sister was doing.   As I shared about her I could see he was not listening.  He looked engaged, his face was pointed at me, but something was off.  As soon as I finished my sentence he launched into a story about himself and an experience he had.  So really you just want to talk about yourself.  Do you ask me these questions as an opening for talking about yourself?  Do you even care or remember what I said? I don’t think so.

 Thing is, he is nice guy, he didn’t even see what he did.  He probably thinks we had a nice conversation.  His experience was so very different than mine.  And it happens all the time. While we are listening we are preparing our next thought, our response,our words.  And maybe we are missing some really important stuff.

Being heard is essential to our well being.  What happens when we feel heard?  We feel acknowledged, we know we matter, that what we think and say has substance and is important.  Important enough for someone to stop their own thoughts and listen to ours. It is validating. 

So why does this happen, where we jump forward in our thoughts before we hear out the other person?  I think one reason is that people want to share their stories. We want connection.  Long long ago we shared our stories, we shared our lives around the hearth, at the sewing tables, while preparing meals,  during long dark winters. People shared stories. That was how we learned our history and our life lessons.   That is innate in us, that need to communicate and be connected. Somehow we have lost those storytelling skills. But not the need for the storytelling. 

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
Maya Angelou

So we are all out here trying to tell our story, in a fast paced electronic world. I am sitting here alone in my apartment typing my story to share with you.  Things have changed so much, our world has both grown and shrunk.  But we still need that human connection, hearing the voice, seeing their eyes, sharing laughter and smiles one to one.  Yesterday I was with my sister and I had something to tell her but we busy at that moment.  So I said ” oh it’s a whole story” and her response was ” great I like stories”.  Yes we like to share our stories, but we need to listen to the stories being offered to us. 

Because that is the other part, we are so darn busy.  My life is simple and I am busy.  Life gets busy, all kinds of things fills our days:  raising families, working, maybe 2 jobs, doing volunteer work, have a scheduled workout routine, finding time for friends, being involved the church, being a caretaker, a million things make up the tapestry of our lives. Listen?  For that we have to slow down. We have to make time. We have to. 

I know to have anything manifest in my life I have to become that thing.  If I want love, I must be love. If I want peace, I have to be in a place of peace,   Want joy? Be joy. So if I want you to listen to my story, I have to listen to yours.  And as always,  it starts with me. I have to put out the energy for it to return to me. I want to be heard,. I want to tell my story.  I want you to listen to me, acknowledge me, actually hear me. So I am going to go out in the world and listen the stories.  Really hear them.  To not think about how I want to respond, what I am going to say.  But listen, and then take a breath and say to the person, thank you for sharing your story. I have learned something from you.  I appreciate you trusting me with your story.  And then, when the time is right, I know I can share my story and really be heard.

“In those moments when we tell stories together,
we are most truly human and most genuinely ourselves.”
Jeannine Pasini Beekman

Namaste

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Daily Life, Self, Spirit

Everyone is Beautiful (when you look with love)

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart. – Helen Keller

I am at a dinner a couple of weeks ago and my friend leans over and says “look at Mary, she is so beautiful tonight”. And she was. And I looked around again and there were all of these beautiful people,. The light was shining through them.  So I say to my friend ” I think the more we love people, they more beautiful they become”

That’s it, it is love, compassion, sharing, bonding, seeing the light in someone, It is not about mainstream beauty.  I have to tell you we are not necessarily beautiful people.  Take us apart piece by piece, we are regular humans, Someone has a big nose, someone has a crooked mouth, bad skin, the list goes on. Does not matter, they are beautiful to me when I look with loving eyes.

Take my son, he is not tall, dark and handsome, the society requirements for beauty in a man.  He is so beautiful to me. When I see him love fills my heart.  I only see this beautiful person who I love. I see his smile, I see his intelligence, I see his struggle to make in this world and still believe that life is good,  I see the love and respect he gives me and he is so fucking beautiful to me. His friends know his beauty, his family knows this, those that love him know this.

I guess beauty has changed for me, evolved.  I look at my sister, in her 50’s, lines, scars, some gray, life has left a mark on her but when she smiles or laughs, or touches me lovingly she is oh my gosh, so beautiful. My friends, when their faces light to see me, they are beautiful.  When someone shares their story and lessons with me they are beautiful. When I see someone overcome a challenge they are beautiful.  When I see that  the light of love fills someones heart, they are beautiful. When joy fills someone, and a smile splits their face open, they are beautiful. Even when tragedy hits, and the tears flow, they are beautiful in their honesty and their humanity.

I look at myself, I have lines in my face, I sag in places, my hair would be gray if I did not dye it. I have scars, my hands show the time I have spent here. Life, also, has left it’s mark on me, and I am more beautiful than I ever have been. And that is because now I look at myself with love.  I appreciate all I have been through.  Those struggles have made me strong,have made me loving.  Those lines I have are born from living life, from worrying about people I love, from thinking a new thought and from smiling and laughing, And I have earned every single one of them. I am done picking myself apart,  because if I only see beauty when I look with love, then it must be the same for you.  And If you are not looking at me with love, then that is your work to do, not mine.

Today in my world it is a beautiful blue sky day and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.  Autumn is here and the changing colors are brilliant, the air is crisp and the world is calling me to come out and play in it beauty.  But even in the dead of winter we can find beauty, in the rain slicked streets, children splashing in the puddle, the frost from our breath as we hurry home to warmth.  The purity of the snow, the fog settling in.  As long as we live from the heart and keep our eyes open we will find beauty in every step of our day.

Have a beautiful day

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Daily Life, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

A Little on Forgiveness

Forgiveness, if that is not key to living a beautiful life I don’t know what is.  For me, growing up, forgiveness always came from others.  I looked for forgiveness from others.  I was taught that way.  So whatever I did wrong it could not be made right until someone forgave me for it.  Forgiving myself was never mentioned.  And in turn, I could forgive others for whatever they did.  Say “I am sorry”, “Its okay, I forgive you”, how many times did we hear those things?  And I am not faulting my parents, they doing their best to raise a good girl. Basing my sense of self on whether someone did or did not forgive me gave away  my autonomy.  Of course when raising a “good girl” that may have been a goal.

But now I am grown and everything I knew when I was young had to be looked again.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

-Buddha

Forgiving someone, in the traditional “I forgive you” sense,  holds a certain power over the person.  It is a control issue,  Without someone’s forgiveness a wrong I have done is held over my head.  I cannot move on, because they don’t forgive me, they are still mad.  It is like holding a little piece of me hostage.  Same if I am holding out on forgiveness for someone else.  I am still mad at you, you can’t be happy.  I need you to feel bad until I am done being mad, and then I will forgive you.  Like I get to decide when you can be happy.  We see this all the time in relationships of all kinds.

It’s time to let those games go. That takes forgiveness and warps its true beauty and intent. Over and over these past years I have seen how forgiving is really about setting myself free. Its never really about the other person. I think the first time it really came home to me was in a relationship that had blown up.  You know, he done me wrong. And I was mad, for a long time. And I suffered.  And somehow in my little brain I thought he was suffering too.  I was mad at him, I did not forgive him, he must be miserable.  And then one day I ran into him, and he was fine. Not miserable, not suffering, fine. And I realized he did not need  my forgiveness to move forward.  I was the only one walking around with anger and hurt, holding on to those uncomfortable feelings.  Now whether he forgave himself, or simply never thought he was wrong, I don’t know. But he moved forward to live happy.  So I had to look at that.

Now over and over I have learned how forgiving really releases me from the situation.  Its not about condoning bad behavior.  Its not about saying it is okay.  We never have to accept that for ourselves or anyone. It is about not holding on to the anger that only poisons us. What do I  want in my body?  How do i want to feel?  I get to decide that.  Because really, if I am mad at you and holding on to that then I am the only one effected by my thoughts and feelings.  If you truly forgive yourself for your part, you do not need my forgiveness.  And when I can forgive myself for my wrongs, I am free.

A CSL minister whose name escapes me said “If I see you and I do not smile, I have work to do”

Another friend said just the other day “when I wake in the morning I think, who do I have to forgive today”.

This is all about setting ourselves free.  Free from holding on to unpleasant, uncomfortable and unhealthy feelings. Free from the false belief that we can (or need) to control others by bestowing or withholding our forgiveness.  It is hard enough to move through all of these thought and emotions that make up our lives without taking on someone else’s.

So what do you think? What anger can you let go of so your life can move forward.  Where can you forgive to free yourself?  It is never about them, it is always about you.  Remember that, they will move forward and your forgiveness it not needed for them, but it is needed for you.  Let us live happy, let us live free, let us forgive.

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Daily Life, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

A Box of Darkness

box of darknessMy friend posted this today.  I have posted this sentiment on Facebook myself in the past.  I have had conversations around it. I guess its time to write about it.

A box of darkness, when I hear this, I think of my Mom.  My mom was really dark. She was angry, and sad, and bitter, and all closed up.  And yet she yearned for love, for connection.  It all goes back to her childhood and never feeling loved, wanted, accepted.  I know all of this because she told me, many times. She spoke of her abuse and I know she left much out in that area.  But I can put together the pieces.  It was not good.

So as grown woman having a relationship with my mom there were a lot of challenges. She lived 15 years after my dad died and our lives became more intertwined. As she grew older she isolated herself more, the anger, the bitterness grew.  I tried to take it on.  I tried to help her out of the dark place. I would suggest friends, activities, all kinds of things.  She would shut that down fast, always a reason to not partake.  We would spend time together but the quality suffered.  I finally accepted her terms letting her be., It was better for our relationship which I did not want to lose.

I could not  fill the void that my dad had left, no one could.  He stood between her and the world. I am not sure if he protected her, I think it was more he protected the world from her.  By the end of her life she had pretty isolated herself from her family and friends. She did not talk to her mom or her brother. The only ones left were myself, my son, my sister and her husband.  One by one mom shut everyone down. It was a big box of darkness.

So how can a box of darkness be a gift?   She trusted me, she loved me, she shared that scary part of herself knowing she was safe.  That is a gift. Knowing that someone can survive child abuse and move on to fiercely love her children is a gift. Because she gave me entry to her box of darkness I am more compassionate.  I can see that humans are fragile and yet incredibly strong.  I can see that even in the darkness there was beauty, there was song, there was laughter, there was love.

When I see darkness in someone I can handle that.  I am not afraid of it.  I don’t need them to hide it from me.  I am strong enough in my light to shine on your darkness. My mom taught me that.  Because if I could love her though all of that, I am good with loving you. That also, was a gift.

And I can see how very hard it is to share your darkness, to take that step.  We all have darkness. We all have those spots of anger, fear, sadness, shame.  That is our balance for the light.  How could you see the light without the dark to contrast.  My mom sharing her darkness makes me less afraid of my own.  I know I can survive the dark thoughts, the doubts, the demons.  I don’t have to feed them, but I don’t deny them either. I am a human female with all kinds of facets, I have to embrace that and love myself through it.

So yes,” someone once gave me a box of darkness and it took me years to understand that too was a gift.”. Perhaps more than light this gift brought me growth, understanding, compassion, and ultimately peace. There is no struggle to pretend,  I don’t have to hide my darkness.  But I don’t feed it either. Sometimes i am sad, scared, lonely. I look at the world and the horrible things humans do each other and I feel hopeless and angry. And it is okay to feel that. I know without a doubt even in the darkness there is Love, Light, Life, Peace, Power, Beauty and Joy.  And those are the things that I feed.

Thank you Mom, Namaste

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Daily Life, Relationships, Self

Looking in the Mirrors

A new person has appeared in my life and he is bringing up sorts of mirrors for me.  This is a work situation and I have no control over how much time I have to spend around him. Its been about 6 weeks now and it is not good.  I could go on and on about him and his irritants and faults, which are real, but is not really about him is it?  So lets leave him out of this.

I don’t like who I am around him.  I tried for weeks to blame him. And to be honest and fair to myself a lot of what I am feeling is really valid.  He lies, he manipulates, he evades, I don’t have much respect for his lifestyle.  All of this is true. But really who cares, he will be gone from my life at some point, that is a given.

For whatever reason the Universe has placed him on my path.  So there must a lesson here.  Just realizing and accepting that is freeing for me. I don’t have to fix him or the situation, that is not my responsibility.  But I can learn. I can look at myself through what he shows me.  He is a mirror for me.  I can figure why he triggers such a bitch response from me.  Because I am cutting him no slack, none.  And at this point I am hyper aware of any missteps from him and I respond quickly and without mercy. I am mean. And that is not really me.

So what is this? I know a huge part of it is my response to a male trying to come in and manipulate and control me.  I do not want to work it out, I do not want to come to an understanding. I do not want to compromise, I want to win. This keeps coming up for me.  I have to deal with this.  And now the Universe has put it in my face 40 hours a week.

I like men, I love men.  One of my best friends is a man.  My lover is a man.  I am comfortable with men, I enjoy them. But as soon as I feel disrespected or manipulated or controlled the claws come out. And with women I try harder, I am softer, I look at both sides.

But this harshness in me, I don’t like it. It’s not healthy.  How can I fix this? Well I can recognize it. I can step back and slow my reactions. I can see he is just a mirror for me to work on my issues.  I don’t want to spend my time in bitterness or anger.  I have to learn to separate my sense of self from how he treats me.  I have to give up control of the situation.  If he fools everyone for awhile, well I guess that is their mirror.  I am done reacting like a puppet and he pulling the strings, taking way too much of my energy.

I don’t have to fix anyone but me.  Actually I can’t, your road is your road and my path is my own. So next week when I go to work I will try so hard to have a different mindset.  To not see him as anything but a mirror for me to learn and grow from. Perhaps I can come out of this situation with a better sense of how to handle myself when a man tries to control me.  To look at him with eyes that see a person who is probably in pain and fear and does not have the emotional tools to let down the walls.

Because really we are all just humans trying to find some love and compassion.  Some safety, understanding and connection. I am not interested in connecting past co-workers with this man, but I would like to spend my day in grace and ease.  I know that starts with me. I can control my reactions, I can control where I spend my thoughts.  It is up to me which wolf I feed.  I know it won’t be easy. I know he pushes my buttons, but my job is figure why, use the teachings around that and go out in the world open, available and with love.

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Daily Life, Self

Finding My Voice (again)

I have been trying to find my voice lately, even when it goes against what someone else wants or expects. Even when what is best for me does not fall into their plan.  Even when it makes me look difficult or uncaring.  As hard as it is sometimes, I am working on saying no or speaking up when I need to.  Here are a couple of things that recently happened:

I am at my church and one of the people are having surgery soon.  So one lady decides that she will set a meal delivery rotation for the patient. Lets remember I am coming off 5 hard weeks of traveling back and forth to San Francisco to visit my sister in UCSF and Kindred Care, all the while still working full time (as much as possible) and taking care of my own personal business. So I don’t have much energy for delivering food to someone no matter how nice they are. But I am caught, I am standing there and they hand the darn clipboard to me, and I don’t say no, I sign my name.

A few days go by and the organizer call me to set up my time in the rotation. At that point I am ready to state my truth.  I told her that as soon as I signed the paper I wondered why I would do that when my plate is so very full. I said I cannot be in this rotation but would absolutely do it this Friday, and then no more. So, a little late, but I did say my truth.  Whether it slows down the handing of the clipboard making assumptions on her part, I have no idea and do not care. My part of the equation is to stand in my own truth, and whatever happens, happens.

Next scenario, going with my sister and brother in law to her DR.appt. in SF.  First I work for a few hours, then meet them at 10:30 to head to the city. I had some breakfast before we left.  I knew my sister was overestimating her strength and that this would be a hard trip for her. She had this plan that we were going to this special restaurant on the way home. So we take off and the trip down is ok.  It’s a little over 2 hours and she held up pretty well.  Then we go the Dr. office.  By now she is becoming uncomfortable and unhappy.  This hurts, that hurts, why do we have to wait so long (15 minutes), etc.  Dr. see her and gives her a good report, she is released and does not have to go back.  All of her recovery and physical therapy can be done in our town (hurray!) Now she wants to go to the hospital and visit the nurses in ICU.  Ok, we go over there, everyone is so happy to see how well she is doing.  It was all good, She perked right up, walked for them, moved her arm. Everyone was happy, I was hungry.

Now its after 4.  I have had no food since that morning.  I get hungry.  She wants to see the cafeteria in the hospital and maybe we will eat there.  Well no,  its between lunch and dinner and the selections are very minimal.  Ok, lets head back home and we will stop at her special restaurant on the way.  Well its on the other side of the freeway and we don’t know how to get back to it.  We end up in some residential area in San Rafael totally lost. Forget that, back on the freeway heading home. We hit commuter traffic all along the way.  Now its about 6 and we are an hour and half from home. Plus I have to pick up my truck and get to my house so add another half an hour, with no food in sight. Now my sister is so uncomfortable, in pain, exhausted, just not doing very well. She no longer wants food, her husband is driving eating day old donut holes because he is starving.  He would never stop though, he will just suffer.

Ok, my sister, I know you are uncomfortable, I know you hurt, I know the last thing you want is to stop for any reason.  But guess what, I need food.  I am important also.  My body is important also. My voice is important also. Its time to feed me.  I look at the clock and I know If I don’t say something I will not get anything in my stomach before 8 pm. So I say “stop at this next town, hit a drive thru, I need to put something in my stomach”.  In the big picture it only added 20 minutes to our trip. Everyone got home fine. I and my b-in law got to eat.  But you know what I struggled to put myself ahead of my wounded sister.

Do I feel good about these decisions? Yes and no.  Mostly yes, but there was no joy in placing myself ahead of either of those women.  They needed help, I have been there for them, mostly my sister. But I took the food to L and visited with her, brightening her evening. I will go visit my sister today and provide whatever help I can.

Its easy to give away our yeses.  We get to be the hero, we get to be the good one, everyone thinks we are awesome, we get praise. And that has been raining down on me a little bit lately, I don’t hate that.  But I need to have boundaries around it.  And that is up to me.  Because everyone will let you put yourself in the background and make them the most important thing around if you let them. And that is my key, what am I allowing?  And is it good for my soul? Does it feel good in my body?  If not, I need an adjustment.  Because when i get to a place where I am doing acts and resenting them or not having an open heart around it, that bad for me and also for the recipient.

So I am working on reclaiming my voice.  My sister’s crisis is over and now her future and recovery are in her hands. I can support that, but it is not mine.  What mine is my own reality, the life I have created.  I am stepping back into it wiser, stronger, smarter, and with my voice.  I will not take on what is not good for me.  I will not sacrifice my health and happiness without having an open heart around that. I will speak up, I will say no, I will voice my opinions, I will take care of myself.  I will know every single day that my life is of equal value and I will celebrate that.  Having love and compassion for myself and others I am ready to get back to my world.

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Daily Life, Relationships

The Courage of Being Vulnerable

vulnerbility

Being vulnerable, not something I have really aspired to. It takes an extreme circumstance for me to show that I am vulnerable. I am pretty sure that goes way back to childhood. As I think back vulnerability was not encouraged. I learned to hide my feelings, I learned that you have to be strong. How many times did my mom say “tears mean nothing to me”, countless. Until tears became a weakness, a lessening of myself. There were a lot of masks in my house growing up. And certainly you never show your weakness, your vulnerability, your real feelings. Because someone could use them against you. These were lessons I learned as a girl. And I have carried those lessons right into my adulthood.

I know my mom had reasons that went back to her childhood for feeling this way. Good reasons that helped her survive a violent and scary family dynamic. Mom was only teaching us what she learned and how she survived. She did not ever want her daughters to be vulnerable to abuse or being used by the world. She taught us the only way she knew how. I understand that now.

But I am grown now and I can make changes in how I relate to the world. I can change how I see things. I can be different. I have come to see that being vulnerable takes enormous courage. I have to put myself out there. I have to say the truth about myself, how I feel, how I don’t feel, what I want, what is unacceptable. And then I have to wait for the response. Many times I do not receive back what I have put out. I get rejected, maybe laughed at, maybe felt sorry for.

If I say I love, but you don’t love me back, then what? If I tell you I am scared but you only portray yourself as strong do I feel less than? If I share how much I struggle to make it financially in this world is that something you can understand and relate to? If I say I am sad and lonely, can you feel that, or are you always happy and filled with the busyness of family and friends? Am I all alone in this?

Can I take those chances, would you understand? That is courage, to show the truth of yourself. It is not weakness, it is strength beyond strength. When I am honest and it falls on deaf ears the honesty sits inside me like a stone. Yes I want to always share my love, joy, light but I need to be able to show the fears, the anger, the loneliness to be balanced, to be whole.

Each time I don’t get the response; each time I see the glazed look on your face, or feel your silence reacting to my words I know that you are just not ready, or willing, to handle the rawness. But I can’t settle for anything less. I have enough superficial relationships in my life. I refuse to be halfway with those I love. There is a saying “If you cannot handle at my worst, you do not deserve me at my best”.

So I am going to keep going out on a limb, showing my vulnerability to those I should be safe with. No more covering up fear, or sadness. No more pretending not to have feelings just in case they don’t feel the same. No more playing the game of you show me yours first. I don’t want to live with a shell of protection around me. Yes it protects from those who might harm but it also keeps out love, honesty and grace. I am old enough and smart enough to be discerning in who I let in. And I trust myself…and I am learning to trust you.

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Relationships

Truth or Love?

Truth or Love? I took one of the those little tests today on Facebook and one of the questions was ” what is most important to you?”  There was a list of 5 or 6 things but I easily discarded most of them. And then I was down to Truth or Love and all of a sudden it was not so easy.

I am all about love, so immediately I was headed to love, but truth kept nudging me.  Really, do I pick love over truth?  Is there even love without truth?  Is that love?  Can I love someone without being honest?  Is that respectful?  Does it honor the other person?  Do I want to be loved without honesty?  I think not.  Or do I?  Do we have to say every little thing?  Couldn’t we just love each other knowing that sometimes we get to not say or share every piece of our thoughts.  Is that the kinder, gentler way?

Maybe it is a chicken or the egg question.  Which comes first love or truth?  Do I have to have love for someone to trust them enough for honesty?  Does someone have to love me to feel safe enough to show their true self?  Or do I start from a place of honesty and move into love from there, being open and vulnerable?  Does another’s honesty give me the room to love them?  Does being honest and open allow another to love me, the real me?

I think of people that I love, they do not know all about me.  No one knows all the sides of me.  Is that dishonest or just me giving each person the piece of me that fits them?  I have not found the person where all my pieces fit.  I am a sister, a mother, a friend, a lover, a relation and more.  All of these roles are filled with love for another.  But they are all different and no two loves are the same.  They all love me, but differently.  Each of these wonderful past and present relationships have brought great lessons and great love.  But I would not say every relationship has been completely honest on either side.

So I want to know the truth, I do not want to be fooled, tricked and lied to. But  temper the honesty with love and compassion.  Take the route that gives us both room to breathe and room to love.  Show me the real you, I will show you me.  But you and I get to keep our very souls and our thoughts and our minds.  Those are sacred to our being and belong to only us.

Truth or love…..I choose love.  How about you?

 

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