Category Archives: Honesty

Change, Daily Life, Honesty, Inspiration, Self, Spirit

My Rumpled Life

My life is like a rumpled bed.  I came across those two words “rumpled bed” and wow, they fit.  Because my life is not messy, but it is rumpled.  You can tell someone lives here.  And I think that is kind of awesome. Nothing in my life is perfect, or calm, or smooth. I am rumpled.

So what does that mean to me?  Well most people don’t even see the rumples.  They are busy living their lives and look past my bumps and folds.  On the outside I look pretty together.  I have a responsible job, I support myself, my clothes match, I know how to present myself properly, I am fairly healthy, I have friends, a lover, I am on good terms with my family. It all looks good from the outside.

But if I pick it apart I am a little rumpled. Yes I have a good job, but I am stuck and not moving forward.  I know that is on me but apparently I don’t care enough to change it, so bumps there. Yes I support myself, but every single month I stretch the pennies to make it, and savings is joke at this point.  Lots of rumples there, but no one sees it. I look good, I have lots of clothes, I buy them at the thrift shops, more rumpledness.  My health is okay but I don’t go for checkups like I should.  And my weight, well, that plagues me. But if I dress appropriately and keep showing up for work and life, well then no one really notices.  But I am so very rumpled in this area. I will say family, friends, and lover, those are the smooth parts of my rumpled life but we do hit bumps.

She was made for untidy rooms and rumpled beds.”
― Alexander McCall Smith, The Sunday Philosophy Club

Maybe that is me, because I like my life.   I don’t want a messy life, I have had that.  But I don’t want it all to be smooth sailing either.  Because it is the rumpledness that adds texture.  I have to look around for things.  I have to challenge myself. I have to work through my life; think, feel, experience it.  Right now my apartment is messy. I can look at it and see what needs to be picked up, dusted off, vacuumed.  And I will do that this morning.  When I come home later everything will be spiffy for a minute. But then I will fill it up again. And the cycle continues.  This is how I live my life.

So do we all live rumpled lives?  I think so, to different degrees.  Some lives are messy and mine has been at times. There is a lot of work there and once the messes were cleared I did not care to revisit it.  Those lessons were learned, though I am sure more mess will appear.  I am never done with my lessons.  But in my daily life, moving through my world,  I like It a rumpled, a little scattered.  Not quite in control.  Not quite as it appears to the world. We are human.  When we stop to smell the flowers we might get rained on.  When I see smooth sheets and a made bed I think it is there to be laid on and enjoyed.  Mess those sheets up.  Life is like that.  It is there to be lived, all the way.

I think rumpled is a synonym for opportunity to grow.  It means there is something in my world I can fix. I can make better, I can grow from. And that keeps my juicy, it keeps me engaged, it keeps me reaching and a little unsatisfied.  When I am hungry for something, when my soul calls for it, that is when I make the changes, that is when I smooth the sheets. That is when I feel most alive.  I never want my bed to be completely smooth, I always want something to be calling me to grow.

And I hope that is the same for you.  Whether you are rumpled everywhere or just a little, those are your places to look at.  Those are the sweet spots that take you to another level.  I don’t wish mess for you, mess is hard.  Mess happens when we ignore the rumples.  The rumples are our warning, our signal, our call to change.  May we always have a little bump in our road. And may it lift us higher.

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Change, Courage, Daily Life, Honesty, Inspiration, Relationships, Self, The Past

Owning My Past

So I had an interesting experience a couple of weeks ago.  I was out visiting some friends and there was a person there who said he thought he knew me.  And as the evening ended I asked if he remembered where we had met. And he was cagey about it.  I said “in high school? college?” The way he looked at me it was like he thought he had secret knowledge about me, something I wouldn’t want shared. And he wouldn’t tell me.  So I moved on, said goodnight and left.

But here is the deal, I don’t care what you know, or even what you think you know.  Because I know it all, and I own it. You can’t say anything about me that is going to shock me.  Because I lived it. And I am not ashamed of anything. Was it my marriage?  I was not the best wife, I admit that. I was not anywhere near ready to be a wife.  Was it drugs?  I did my share of drugs, maybe your share too.  Was it sex?  I have slept with a lot of men, all of them willing. I am a sexual being and not ashamed of that.  What else?  Was I drunk?  Oh my gosh, I have spent nights on the bathroom floor. What else, was I rude, did I act out? Maybe, probably, I am no angel. Was it the  man I dated who was in prison?  It didn’t last long after he came out, it was an interesting 6 months, no shame here.  I learned a lot about what I don’t want.

My point is this, my past brought me to this point. I have learned lessons along the way, some the hard way. Many the hard way. But it is my past and you cannot use it against me.  I simply do not  care anymore to hide or pretend. I have lived too long and seen every single person I know fall down from time to time, and that includes me.  There is no shame in that. People will try to control us by presenting that they will “keep our secret”. The way out of that is to  graceown who we are, not have secrets and be willing to share our story. Or at least not hide it.

So Mr. whoever you were, you have nothing on me.  You cannot control or make me feel uncomfortable because you “know” something. I know everything, and I will share it all if circumstances warrant it.  If anyone wants to judge me by my past I probably don’t want to spend much time or energy on that person. No more games, no more pretending, no more hiding who I am. I am proud of who I am even if I am not proud of some of the missteps I have made.  Some of things that brought me to this point I would not do again. But I refuse to lie, pretend or be ashamed. Each step along the way has been a lesson and brought me to this point.  Shame holds us down, fear of discovery holds us down, guilt holds us down. Whatever happened, happened, It is done, learn and move forward.

I  want to know people that have a past to share.  Those are the ones with the stories that resonate with me. Show me your scars, show me how you survived, show me how strong you are.  Let’s not deny how we came to be here, strong, beautiful, survivors. Let’s own that and never ever let anyone hold how we came to be here over us. Never let anyone make us feel small or less than. Every step of the way, we walked this, it is ours, this is our story. And it is beautiful and valuable and we have something to share. So go out there and live your life, every piece of it has brought you to the place you are, and there is no shame in that. Love yourself, all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly, because truly,  It is all beautiful, it made you who you are.

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