Category Archives: Inspiration

Daily Life, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

A Little on Forgiveness

Forgiveness, if that is not key to living a beautiful life I don’t know what is.  For me, growing up, forgiveness always came from others.  I looked for forgiveness from others.  I was taught that way.  So whatever I did wrong it could not be made right until someone forgave me for it.  Forgiving myself was never mentioned.  And in turn, I could forgive others for whatever they did.  Say “I am sorry”, “Its okay, I forgive you”, how many times did we hear those things?  And I am not faulting my parents, they doing their best to raise a good girl. Basing my sense of self on whether someone did or did not forgive me gave away  my autonomy.  Of course when raising a “good girl” that may have been a goal.

But now I am grown and everything I knew when I was young had to be looked again.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

-Buddha

Forgiving someone, in the traditional “I forgive you” sense,  holds a certain power over the person.  It is a control issue,  Without someone’s forgiveness a wrong I have done is held over my head.  I cannot move on, because they don’t forgive me, they are still mad.  It is like holding a little piece of me hostage.  Same if I am holding out on forgiveness for someone else.  I am still mad at you, you can’t be happy.  I need you to feel bad until I am done being mad, and then I will forgive you.  Like I get to decide when you can be happy.  We see this all the time in relationships of all kinds.

It’s time to let those games go. That takes forgiveness and warps its true beauty and intent. Over and over these past years I have seen how forgiving is really about setting myself free. Its never really about the other person. I think the first time it really came home to me was in a relationship that had blown up.  You know, he done me wrong. And I was mad, for a long time. And I suffered.  And somehow in my little brain I thought he was suffering too.  I was mad at him, I did not forgive him, he must be miserable.  And then one day I ran into him, and he was fine. Not miserable, not suffering, fine. And I realized he did not need  my forgiveness to move forward.  I was the only one walking around with anger and hurt, holding on to those uncomfortable feelings.  Now whether he forgave himself, or simply never thought he was wrong, I don’t know. But he moved forward to live happy.  So I had to look at that.

Now over and over I have learned how forgiving really releases me from the situation.  Its not about condoning bad behavior.  Its not about saying it is okay.  We never have to accept that for ourselves or anyone. It is about not holding on to the anger that only poisons us. What do I  want in my body?  How do i want to feel?  I get to decide that.  Because really, if I am mad at you and holding on to that then I am the only one effected by my thoughts and feelings.  If you truly forgive yourself for your part, you do not need my forgiveness.  And when I can forgive myself for my wrongs, I am free.

A CSL minister whose name escapes me said “If I see you and I do not smile, I have work to do”

Another friend said just the other day “when I wake in the morning I think, who do I have to forgive today”.

This is all about setting ourselves free.  Free from holding on to unpleasant, uncomfortable and unhealthy feelings. Free from the false belief that we can (or need) to control others by bestowing or withholding our forgiveness.  It is hard enough to move through all of these thought and emotions that make up our lives without taking on someone else’s.

So what do you think? What anger can you let go of so your life can move forward.  Where can you forgive to free yourself?  It is never about them, it is always about you.  Remember that, they will move forward and your forgiveness it not needed for them, but it is needed for you.  Let us live happy, let us live free, let us forgive.

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Daily Life, Inspiration, Relationships, Self

A Box of Darkness

box of darknessMy friend posted this today.  I have posted this sentiment on Facebook myself in the past.  I have had conversations around it. I guess its time to write about it.

A box of darkness, when I hear this, I think of my Mom.  My mom was really dark. She was angry, and sad, and bitter, and all closed up.  And yet she yearned for love, for connection.  It all goes back to her childhood and never feeling loved, wanted, accepted.  I know all of this because she told me, many times. She spoke of her abuse and I know she left much out in that area.  But I can put together the pieces.  It was not good.

So as grown woman having a relationship with my mom there were a lot of challenges. She lived 15 years after my dad died and our lives became more intertwined. As she grew older she isolated herself more, the anger, the bitterness grew.  I tried to take it on.  I tried to help her out of the dark place. I would suggest friends, activities, all kinds of things.  She would shut that down fast, always a reason to not partake.  We would spend time together but the quality suffered.  I finally accepted her terms letting her be., It was better for our relationship which I did not want to lose.

I could not  fill the void that my dad had left, no one could.  He stood between her and the world. I am not sure if he protected her, I think it was more he protected the world from her.  By the end of her life she had pretty isolated herself from her family and friends. She did not talk to her mom or her brother. The only ones left were myself, my son, my sister and her husband.  One by one mom shut everyone down. It was a big box of darkness.

So how can a box of darkness be a gift?   She trusted me, she loved me, she shared that scary part of herself knowing she was safe.  That is a gift. Knowing that someone can survive child abuse and move on to fiercely love her children is a gift. Because she gave me entry to her box of darkness I am more compassionate.  I can see that humans are fragile and yet incredibly strong.  I can see that even in the darkness there was beauty, there was song, there was laughter, there was love.

When I see darkness in someone I can handle that.  I am not afraid of it.  I don’t need them to hide it from me.  I am strong enough in my light to shine on your darkness. My mom taught me that.  Because if I could love her though all of that, I am good with loving you. That also, was a gift.

And I can see how very hard it is to share your darkness, to take that step.  We all have darkness. We all have those spots of anger, fear, sadness, shame.  That is our balance for the light.  How could you see the light without the dark to contrast.  My mom sharing her darkness makes me less afraid of my own.  I know I can survive the dark thoughts, the doubts, the demons.  I don’t have to feed them, but I don’t deny them either. I am a human female with all kinds of facets, I have to embrace that and love myself through it.

So yes,” someone once gave me a box of darkness and it took me years to understand that too was a gift.”. Perhaps more than light this gift brought me growth, understanding, compassion, and ultimately peace. There is no struggle to pretend,  I don’t have to hide my darkness.  But I don’t feed it either. Sometimes i am sad, scared, lonely. I look at the world and the horrible things humans do each other and I feel hopeless and angry. And it is okay to feel that. I know without a doubt even in the darkness there is Love, Light, Life, Peace, Power, Beauty and Joy.  And those are the things that I feed.

Thank you Mom, Namaste

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Daily Life, Inspiration, Spirit

Seva, Selfless Service

” The idea of selfless service (seva also sewa) is an important concept in most Indian religions and yogic traditions. Because God is perceived as having a relationship with others, as well as oneself, serving other people is considered an essential devotional practice of indirectly serving God. Service to make life easier for others”

Seva, a concept of service I learned at my church and has actually been serving me lately.  I have found myself in the position frequently the last few months of needing to serve others.  Of needing to put another’s needs in front of mine, of needing to (while not quite sacrifice) at least, put someone else’s problems in front of my own pleasures.

The most recent one occurred this last weekend.  My son had some car problems during the week which I tried to help him and I ended up just lending my truck to him, essentially leaving myself walking or staying home.  His needs were just more urgent than mine.  If you have been following you know I done much to help my sister and family these last couple of months.   And recently some almost resentment has crept in.

Now I am human and no angel and certainly not a martyr.  I like to take care of myself and make sure I have what I need to enjoy my days.  But I also love my people and want to help them.  There are fine lines and sometimes they get blurred.  I started to go to a place that stopped the easy flow of giving and turn it into something forced or resented.

Then I remembered Seva, selfless service.  And that was a gift for me.  I was able to step back into service because I started using it as a path to Spirit.  And everything changed.  My attitude changed,  life became easier, I had more joy, and the service I am  giving has more impact.  By removing any thoughts of resentment, stress or selfishness I am able to give with Love.  And what is given with Love can be received with Love.  The action, the service, will flow easily into good and all parties benefit.   And I am blessed with serving God.  Because anything I do for any being, I do for the The Beloved.

So the next time you are called step into Seva.  It changes everything.  You get to have a Spiritual experience and help someone all in the same moment. Isn’t that why we are here?

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Daily Life, Inspiration

We Have Today

Hello, I know I have been missing the last few weeks.  My best friend, my sister was suddenly taken ill with a life threatening condition.  She has been in Intensive Care for over 2 weeks now.  They sent her to a large hospital over 2 hours away from me.  I am getting ready today to make my 8th trip to the city to see her. I have kind of lost my balance these days.  I work, travel, be at the hospital or sleep. 

I have many lessons going on here. Patience, gratitude, self care, did I say patience?  But right now, today, this is what I am thinking………

You better live your life.  Today, not tomorrow, don’t think you will start living next week, you might not.  And I know it can’t always be the big things.  Yes, if you want to write that book or climb that mountain, start making your plan.  Don’t say someday, START NOW.  Take those baby steps to your dream.

 But here is what we have right now, today.  It is as simple as that.  Watch the sun rise and set. Appreciate that cup of coffee or tea. Make that hug good-by a little tighter.  Be kind to strangers, share your smile. Don’t dismiss or brush off kind words and thoughts that come to you. Take the time to acknowledge them, absorb the love that comes to you. Send it back out. Cherish the time with your family , your children, your parents and grandparents.  Oh my gosh, tell your people you love them.  Do not wait until tomorrow.  Do not think it not important, or that you have time. Maybe you do, but maybe they don’t.  

You and I, we have this day, it is a gift.  I said before “Our only guarantee is our next breath”. That has home to me hard these days.  I get it. I really get it. My best girl is in a fight for her future right now.. She is one of the most optimistic happy people I have ever met. Almost innocent in her joy. I can try to take that lesson and live it in my life.  We are having some hard days, but I intend to find some joy, some laughter, some love in today.  I invite you to join me..

 

 

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Inspiration, Spirit

Endings, and Beginnings

everything

The Buddha says “Everything that has a beginning has an end. Make your peace with that and all will be well.”

Can I do this?  How freeing would that be to really live this way.  To know that when something is started at some point it will be ending. And be ok with that.  Wouldn’t I just embrace the moments and not worry and plan into the future. Would I be able to love freely, without strings and conditions or expectations of what could, should, might happen?  Could I find joy in each moment and then let them go?  The very essence of non attachment. To be that free.

Because it is true, and I know this. And yet I cling to the very moments of today.  How many things have I released? Countless and I am still here.  I am still living, loving, searching, singing, moving, crying, talking, fucking, working, mothering, being a friend……everything that makes me who I am.  Letting go did not kill me, did not break me.  At the end of the day I am not bitter or sad.  Maybe melancholy at times, but that is the wistfulness of days gone by. Mostly I have survived every one of those releases. 

Am I changed? Absolutely. Life changes us, Every single day I am different.  I have an experience, major or minor and I am changed.  That is Spirit recreating Itself on earth through me.  Growth, creation, that is the very essence of being human. Still I let go, I accepted the endings, and I survived.

What if I could see that before I suffered the letting go.  I tell you, I do not let go easily.  There are claw marks on everything I ever released.  What a lot of energy I put in to holding on to something that absolutely had an ending. 

And what if things did not end?  Could I really stay forever in a holding pattern? Where would the not ending begin?  We have to grow to adulthood.  Would the life I was living at 21 be my forever life? How much of life I would have missed. I had my son at 22.  My youth had to end for that blessing to occur.  I have had wonderful jobs and made great friends.  What if my first job had not ended?  I would have missed countless people I come to know and many to love. My marriage?  Well If that had not ended I would have never know the beauty and satisfaction of standing on my own and building a life simply for myself. And I have been blessed with intense and satisfying relationships along the way, each teaching me more about myself. My son grew up, he cannot stay a child.  I would miss knowing this amazing man and the many things he brought to my life as an adult. 

Some things have been really hard to let go of.  And those things are deaths; parents, friends, pets, family… How do I let go? I had no choice. Seriously all of those, claw marks, deep ones. I know in each of those losses there are lessons. Sometimes I can see them, it is not easy,  I know they made me grow, I know they made strong. I know they made me compassionate. These are the ones that left the deepest scars.  Some days I would trade the growth, the strength, the compassion to see them again. To be in that place of love with them again.  But that is not possible in this world and this world is where I dwell.  So I take the lessons and carry some sadness.

Still, I think the Buddha has it right.  Knowing there is an end gives me space to celebrate what is now.  To not try to make it anything it is not.  There was one point in my life I really got this.  My son and his girlfriend lived with me for a few years.  It was crowded, it was a lot of work, it was expensive, it was wonderful. And I knew every single day that it was not forever.  Knowing that gave me the freedom to simply love them and accept their love.  My friends and family did not really understand how grown adults (and their dogs) could move back in with mom. Shouldn’t they be moving out, getting their own place, paying rent etc.  For me, all I knew is that is was a moment in time, a gift, and everyday someone said “I love you mom”. And I knew one day it would be over.  So I loved it every minute I could.  Maybe that moment is my lesson in “Everything that has a beginning has an end”. 

So I can take that lesson and hold it close. Remembering that what I have is today.  Everything will end so that something new can begin.  The Universe will fill the void and I am expecting and accepting nothing less than amazing. 

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Daily Life, Inspiration

Owning my Words

I have been working on using “I” instead of you, or we, or us when making statements.  A few weeks ago in class the instructor called me out for using we instead of I.  She said “don’t speak for me, speak for yourself.  If you are going to make a statement, then own it.”  And that really has stuck with me. And I will say she follows her own lead.  She is my Reverend and yesterday in her sermon she corrected herself.  She started a statement, said we, and then said no, I, I will own this. So that really supported the work around this.

And it is work.  I keep catching myself using we, or people, or they, or us.  Anything to not own the statement.  Anything to not stand behind it all alone by myself.  But really, I don;t get to speak for you or for us.  I speak for myself and that is all.  Unless you come to me and say can you speak for us and make an agreement, than anything I say is an assumption. Never assume…which Agreement is that?  Number 3 I think. 

So why is it so easy to slip into that mode?  I think for me (owning it) it is a way of hiding. By grouping myself with others I minimize my own responsibility for the thought.  So if I am wrong, or not everyone agrees with me I can say well I am not the only one. And also standing alone with a thought  and sharing it is scary, it exposes me….to criticism, to embarrassment, to conflict.  What if you don’t like what I say?  What if I sound stupid, what if I am the only who feels that way?

What if???????

What if I sound brave, smart, funny?  What if I say what others want to, but are quiet?  What if I understand the power of my words and use them carefully and honestly with respect with others? What if I do not assume I know how you feel, what you think?  Can we have a conversation then?  Is this how doors and minds open? When I own my thoughts and feelings and you own yours, how beautiful is that…….

I have a Facebook page.  I try really hard to keep it general, light, fun.  I do not engage in politics, religion, social causes etc. This is my choice.  Everyone should do what they want with their page. But the other day I came across a post from a friend who is probably way less liberal than I am. Not to detail it but it referenced gay pride in a non supportive way.  I tried to pass it by.  I said “its her page, leave it alone” I kept scrolling, but I could not just say nothing. So I went back, thinking I was heading into a minefield.  I kept thinking of the quote by Edmund Burke “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”  Anyway, I posted a respectful disagreement to her post and sat back expecting the worst.  Let me tell you, I received support from total strangers. And I felt like using my words, and owning them, was really powerful in that moment.

Since I have working on owning my words and my thoughts,  I shared that with my co worker over the last few weeks.  Today she started a sentence saying “we” and then switched and said ” I am owning this….I ”  It was awesome, she owned it!

We do not have to strengthen our thoughts by propping them up with the false sense that others agree.  Our thoughts are strong on their own.  We are smart, we are logical, we can figure this out.  We can have our own opinion without permission from anyone else. I am enough, my own mind is enough.  I feel this way, I think this, I believe this, I know this……….it is enough even when it is only me.

So I invite you to join me in owning your statements. In not bringing others in to strengthen your stance but standing tall on your own and saying  “I”.  You would surprised how good it feels. 

And one last thought, do not let others speak for you.  When they say we, gently say to them, you.

 

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Inspiration

The Sound of a Voice

The sound of a voice, no two are the same.  I can be mesmerized, angered, seduced and totally fall in love just by a voice.  A voice can soothe me, calm me, excite me,  bring me to laughter or tears.  So very powerful, our voices. Lately I have been paying more attention to the voices of the people I love.  I became caught up the other day in listening to a woman speaking to me, I really listened to her voice, to the tone, to the cadence. Her voice was deeper than I expected, more mature than I remembered.  Her voice was beautiful and uniquely her. No one else has her voice.

So I thought about voices and how they bring me home always.  The ones that have passed, I long to hear their voice.  Those sounds will never be repeated in this lifetime again.   To hear the voice of my father or mother….I don’t even have words for what that would mean. To lose the voices I have in my life now, my son, my family, my friends….unthinkable, but it happens.  Tonight I had a conversation with my grandmother.  She turned 94 last week.  I know clearly how precious my time is with her.  I listened hard to her voice, no one else can ever make those sounds, those tones, that rhythm.  Trying to memorize it, knowing someday it will be gone.

Enough sadness.  How about the joyful voices, those that are here and now and bring me such pleasure.  Each a world within itself.  A certain man calls, he has very distinctive soul in his voice.  Another calls, well he is smooth as glass.  And another, comfortable and like coming home.  Everyone special in itself.  There is no comparison, no one voice is better or worse.  They all have their magic. And my family, oh my gosh.  I can hear my son’s voice right now even though he is miles away.  Same with my sister and my friends. They call, immediately I know who it is, their voice belongs only to them. Their very souls speak out through their voice in a way only they can. 

Why are the voices special ?  Yes, they are all different but so are noses and eyes and feet.  But voices carry weight.  They convey our emotions.  A voice can lift you or knock you down.  It can fill you with love and hope.  But it can also be angry and scary. Voices are a conduit to our souls.  We have to be so very careful with our words and our tones.  Words cut quick and deep and they cannot be unsaid.  And you will always remember the voice that hurt you, just as you will remember the ones that healed you and loved you. 

I am going to soak up the voices around me.  Especially the ones that come from the people I love.  I am going to listen for laughter, song, welcome, joy, love.  I want to hear that, I want to know that.  Your voice matters, my voice matters.  We are the only ones who can create these sounds.  This is ours and it is special and it is valuable.  And what we say and the emotions we convey matter.  This is how we connect with the rest of our world.  And whether we realize it or not we impact others way more than we know.  I want to speak with love and compassion but beyond that I think its important to be honest.  And sometimes honest is not a pretty package.  Its sometimes hard to speak the truth.  But it is respectful and honorable to both myself and to whom I am speaking.  So I guess when my voice is remembered they will say she tried to speak the truth and stand in a place of love. At least I hope so.

Speak with love and sing with joy.

 

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Inspiration

Our Next Breath

Our only guarantee is our next breath.  Anything beyond that is not a given.  Life can change fast.  The phone could ring, a knock on the door, a heart attack, an earthquake, a tsunami, anything. Or it could amazing…the love of my life could be the one knocking, the phone call could be a grandchild on the way, maybe win the lottery, a longed for promotion, again anything.  But life would change. So here is what we have, right now, this moment.  And how we spend is what makes up our life.

This is not intended to give the impression that we should live each moment in terror, fear or anticipation of what could happen next.  Its more to awaken ourselves to all the possibilities and very preciousness of our days.  Each time I see you could be my last, how do I want to leave that?  What things am I leaving unsaid?  What am I taking for granted? Your friendship, your love, the blue sky, my next breath?

I know I cannot live without some semblance of security and comfortableness.  To live at such a high level of intensity would defeat the very pieces of my life I find comforting, relaxing and joyful.  But what I can do is recognize everything is fluid, everything will change and appreciate the moments I am given. I can spend these moments in love, grace, humility, and gratefulness.  If I can let those features fill my moments then I will have lived a blessed life.

Inhale, exhale and live in joy…………..

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Inspiration

Gentle on my Mind

Gentle on my mind.  The phrase is stuck inside my head these days.  The phrase comes from an old song.  I was thinking about a friend on Friday and that phrase came to mind.  There is a calmness now when I think of him. There is a sense of peace and rightness that makes him gentle on my mind.  I can tell you it has not always been this way, there has usually  some distress, some anxiety, some unsettled energy around him.  But something shifted last week, and for now, he is gentle on my mind.  And it feels good, and feels right.

I have no illusions that it will last forever.  Life does not work that way.  But for today I am enjoying the freedom from my monkey mind. I want to expand that, I want life itself to just be “gentle on my mind”.  Can I do with others, can I do that with situations?  What a beautiful phrase, a wonderful gift to give myself.  Did we lose that somewhere, the gentleness, the slower pace, the kindness?  Life became harsher, society is dog eat dog,  climb to the top, road rage.

I just want to slow the fuck down. I want more than just this one man to be gentle on my mind. I want it simple, I want it honest, I want it real. Take off the masks, quit playing the games.  I know it starts with me. And it has already begun.  I strive to be honest and real. I don’t have time for the games.  I will tell you the truth, even if my voice shakes. But I absolutely get caught up into the chaos of the world. I am learning to step back.  Last week I took time for myself.  I ended up spending hours in solitude and it was the best thing for me.  At the end of a crazy week where I struggled for peace, I found that spot where someone could be “gentle on my mind.”

May someone somewhere be Gentle on Your Mind………….

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Inspiration

You are the Sky

Great quote and if you have not experienced Pema Chodron you are missing out.  Today, I am holding this thought in my mind. All the circumstances, the situations, the feelings and emotions: weather.  I am the sky. Bigger than all of that. Yesterday I let the world swirl me around a little.  I did take control and ended up where and how I needed to be.  But I had to consciously work to get there.  Today I seek ease and grace. Today I remember that all of the storms, winds and even the sun are circumstances here to show me life in all its facets.  Headed out now, to be the sky, and to observe the weather dance across my life.

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