That time of the year that brings out the best and worst in me. Because as much as I am about light, joy, love, tucked away inside are pockets of sadness, fear and loneliness. And holidays exacerbate that. Those places of pain keep floating up. They come up when I am alone, they come up through music, they come up when a harsh headline catches my eye, when I waken and see that I am alone. I am fragile this time of year.
Perhaps it is autumn. The very brilliance of nature displayed before my eyes every day. And yet the earth is giving her last beauty before shutting down for the winter. The days are shorter and home calls everyone sooner. I miss living with a family. I feel that more in the fall and winter. My father’s favorite time of year was Fall. He died Nov 6, 1997. I miss him every day, but most especially right now. My mother, she received her cancer diagnosis the week after Thanksgiving 3 years ago. November is hard for me.
Everything has changed, and I don’t have a plan. All the ways I thought my life would go, this was not it. I never thought I would be alone so long. I have been divorced almost 20 years. It was never my plan to stay single forever. I have always been longing for that relationship that would enhance my life and take to the next level. My fear is that I am running out of time. I fear I will die without having ever been really loved. I am not talking about family and friends. I know I am loved. But to have that sharing, loving, interpersonal relationship with one person, that is missing. It is like I go through the day and say nope not today. I go through the week, the month and the year, and say ‘not yet” keep waiting. Stay open, be available to what the Universe has in mind. But really this was not my plan.
I am in 50’s, my son is 36. I don’t have any grandchildren. He gets to live exactly as he chooses, and I love him unconditionally. But this was not my plan. By the time he decides to have children (if he does) I am afraid I will be too old for us to really fully enjoy each other. I just thought there would be grandchildren in my life at some point. It is another relationship that is missing from my life.
So I feel melancholy, wistful for the past, wishing the present was different. I guess my biggest fear is that I am running out of time. The months and years are passing, and I am getting older. And everything has changed, and I don’t have a plan. Do I just run with that? Be okay with no plan, no goal, no agenda.
I am simply living my life everyday, as best I can. Is that enough? Because right now I am kind of living on faith. Faith that at some point all of this will make sense. Faith that this path with all of it’s twists and turns. the sunny and dark spots is leading somewhere. Faith that somehow all my lessons and growth are steering toward that time in my life when I can say “yes, this was where the path was taking me, I am home” .
I did an online search to see if anyone else supported not having a goal or a plan. This is the only thing I found..
Effort within the mind further limits the mind, because effort implies struggle towards a goal and when you have a goal, a purpose, an end in view, you have placed a limit on the mind.”
― Bruce Lee, Tao of Jeet Kune Do
Everyone else thinks you need a goal, a plan, an agenda to move you forward in life. I like the Bruce Lee one, I like not placing limits. I want to be open to the Universe and whatever path It takes down. But then, we are back to faith. I know things are going to change in my life. I know at some point I will live somewhere else. I know my son will fall in love and have babies. I know a new relationship will come in my life. I will make new friends, have new experiences, say goodbye to people, places….. I don’t have a plan for of any this. Is that okay?
In my faith, Centers for Spiritual Living, we recognize that we are God manifesting on earth. That everything is God, everyone, every being, no exceptions. We all walk through life made up of the same substance that God is. And we know that we work together with God to manifest the state of being we find ourselves in. We understand it is God working through us to experience life on this plane and it is God’s great pleasure for us to live in joy.
And that is my faith. And that is what carries me through the dark sides of my life. I know experiencing these feelings, sharing them, living them helps me to grow and be more humble and compassionate. Talking about my fears brings them to the light. I don’t have to hide away and feel different and alone.
I know I have been blessed, so very blessed. I grew up knowing love, I have been able to bear and love a child. I have loved in many different ways, friends, lovers, pets, family, nature, God. I am way ahead of so many people. And I know this, every single day.
But I am human and complex and my pain and fear is valid also. I don’t have to be homeless, battered, disabled or the many other states that people struggle through to have my feelings. I get to have my feelings. I get to have my dark places. I get to be lonely, I get to be wistful, but I don’t get to stay there. I remember who I am and why I am on this path. And when my step falters, I pause and feel my feelings,then I take a deep breath, and say “This too, is God”
And so it is…….