So I kind of poured out my feelings and thoughts in a letter.  It was in response to a conversation that was initiated by the other person. And nothing from them, dead silence.  Not a ‘that is interesting’, thank you for sharing….nada. Why do I do this?  And why can’t I just let it go? So there was no response, so what.  I am not responsible or in control of what anyone else does.  Still, being ignored is the worst.  Dead silence is the worst.  Makes me feel less than, less than valuable, less than heard, unacknowledged.  Ok, I know I cannot look outside myself for my value.  I understand that taking anything personally weakens me as a person.  Still, I fucking hate being ignored. 

  It was such a busy weekend.  Actually the last 2 weeks.  I feel tired from being around people so much lately.  I have a need for alone time and a need for social time.  Its hard to balance the two. I love my friends and my family.  Its good for me to go out and see people and have social interactions, but they tire me out.  They drain me rather than enliven me.  My time alone is what feeds me.  It is what give me the energy to engage with the world.  But too much time alone, its not healthy for me.  I am always trying to find that balance. 

Is this part of what keeps me single? Maybe.  I like my time and I find in relationships I give away too much of what I need for what the other person wants.  Sometimes being single is like my fortress, but it can be a lonely one.

But here I go, out to world again.  People, traffic, demands, sharing space, sharing air, all of it.  And yet, there are smiles, laughter, hugs, joy, color, and the feeling of humaness and being connected.  Those are the things I look for today.